Bye October; you certainly threw some challenges into the mix, and this new month has got me feeling energised. The whole of October was taken up by my commitment to blog every day, and I just about did it – albeit, a lot of the posts were done within the last hour of the day… If you missed it, they’re all listed below:
1st October: October: Everyday
2nd October: An Adventure in the Woods
3rd October: Directions
4th October: It’s Friday!!
5th October: 10 Things I Love
6th October: Sunday Night Inspiration
7th October: You
8th October: Watch It
9th October: Midweek Pause
10th October: Let It Go
11th October: 10 Things I Love
12th October: Living
13th October: Words
14th October: A little Autumn love
15th October: Whitstable
16th October: Fort Day
17th October: Sunshine, Coffee and Thoughts
18th October: The Little Moments
19th October: Life is for…
20th October: Sunday Night Inspiration
21st October: The Secret of Change
22nd October: Life and Soul
23rd October: Halfway Point
24th October: Be The Light
25th October: Happy Friday
26th October: Bringing Happy Back
27th October: Stars (and a birthday)
28th October: A very Eeyore Monday
29th October: Tuesday Thoughts
30th October: One of these days…
31st October: Happy Halloween
With some of the lengthier posts, you get a real sense of how I was feeling when I was writing them – I guess that’s true for most personal writing. It’s just that when they’re viewed altogether, there’s a big impact. October really was quite challenging, and there were a whole load of days where I just felt down in the dumps. Plenty of soul searching moments. A lot of questioning. It’s not entirely resolved, but with this new month beginning, I feel clearer. Yesterday was another day where things weren’t going as well as I hoped, and it resulted in me taking an impulsive walk at 6.30pm, with the sole aim to get a hot chocolate, with cream and marshmallows. I arrived at the coffee-shop just in time, and then waited around for the boy to come and meet me. Then I broke. Everything poured out, and I couldn’t contain anything any longer.
Whilst it’s not possible to change certain things in my life, they still get me down from time to time. In October it felt like a lot was just piled on, and by the end of the month – last night – I just cracked. Thankfully I feel better today. Strange what a good cry can do. Sometimes it’s just what you need. Squeezing out vulnerability, both in real life and here on the blog, really helps. It gives you a deep sense of connection, and opens up free communication. I cannot be a bigger advocate of letting things out, and, if you feel courageous enough, putting it out there. The beauty of doing this means that you will get so much back.
I’m feeling a strong urge to just disappear, to be alone, and work through all the things I’m feeling. To figure things out. The current living situation is beginning to feel far from ideal, and as much as I love everyone, I just can’t be around people all the time. There is something that is stopping me from growing, and as much as I try to fight it, I am feeling increasingly suffocated. I can’t see into the future, and I would like to believe that in a year’s time things will be better; but you just can’t tell. There is so much dreaming and hoping, and I aspire to be living with the boy, and I truly hope that will be possible next year. With our current situations – him a student, and me trying to make a living – it’s just not viable yet. But next year? That is our goal, and the goalposts are being planted.
At times it can be exhausting to be constantly battling with your emotions, to stop them from pulling you too far down. Sometimes it feels like people don’t always appreciate this, and the need for space is made more apparent at those times. It isn’t always intentional, but it just doesn’t help. At the end of the day, we are only human, and we need to remember to be kind to one another. It does not help to point out faults when someone is vulnerable. Kindness, even in small doses, goes a long, long way.
Sometimes you have to be selfish, to be kind to yourself. You have to shut yourself away, and do what you need to do. There are many things that society has created stigmas against, but if you do things in the right way – often just whatever feels right for you – then whatever society thinks can be thrown out of the window. Don’t let yourself feel needlessly guilty; this is your life, and if something isn’t making you feel good then reassess it. Likewise, if something makes you feel good, then you don’t need to have reasons – it just makes you feel good, full stop. There is so much about 21st Century living that puts a helluva lot of pressure on us. I often find that the best way to combat this is to go back to the basics. To try and live a simplistic life, without complications. To take pleasure in the little things. I love the little things.
If you need it, then give yourself time away. And don’t feel guilty about it. We have to look after ourselves. I am still firmly in the camp of making sure we are okay in order to help others. Of course, this isn’t always possible, and there is no reason we can’t be there for others when things aren’t how we’d like in our own life. However, we must always be there for ourselves as well. And stop feeling guilty. Stop feeling shame.
With the new month, create some time for yourself.
Let go of things from the past.
Focus on the now.
Focus on moving forward.
And I shall leave you with a little splash of hope from Steve Jobs:
Here’s to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels. The trouble makers, the round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently.
They’re not fond of rules and they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them… because they change things, they push the human race forward.
While some may see them as “the crazy ones”, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world – are the ones who do.