Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives.
Currently in a healing period at the moment. Overcoming the months that were hard. I am happy, oh, yes, I am happy. But I am healing at the same time.
Over the last week, I have had a few moments, scattered about, where I have felt sad. The type of sad where it just comes over you randomly, without a real cause. If I acknowledge it, it soon passes. It is slightly hard, as someone very close to me is also healing at the moment. When they have a low moment, I find myself trying to help them, whilst at the same time making sure that I don’t slip myself.
Generally, though, things are good. Life feels good right now. And I feel so grateful and thankful. And strong.
For a while, damage was keeping me down. Now, set firmly on the path of healing, I am letting go. Letting go of sadness. Letting go of the past. Letting go of could have beens, should have beens. I am embracing the present.
The things that we allow to go through our minds will inevitably affect our mood and behaviour. If we constantly replay painful memories, without moving on…well, I don’t need to say much more. It will bring you down.
When you feel ready, start healing. Your one wild and precious life is calling you, so heal, and move on from any damage; you are worth it. You are so worth it.
At the end of the day, healing is greater than damage, hands down, it is greater.
Being deaf, there are many groups, societies, social groups and so on, that I could be a part of. Yet, I’m not. That’s not to say I haven’t tried different things in the past, nor to say that all these various groups are bad – just, it was never a good fit. For as long as I can remember, I have been in the middle. In between the hearing world and the deaf world, fully fitting in to neither. The reason for this is partly because I was brought up orally (and I am happy with this), and in the past I have been cast aside by some individuals, simply because I “spoke”. I must say, this is only a very small minority, and the majority of the deaf community can be, and are, lovely. But the fact of it is, I had a handful of negative experiences, and me being me (a shy introvert who can sometimes take a while to come out of her shell…la la la, you know the rest), I retreated and gave up on the idea of being “accepted”.
There were also a handful of incidences last year that shook me as well. In another group, I felt slightly bullied and put down, my views being suppressed and disregarded – where was I suppose to “fit”? It seemed as if there wasn’t anywhere to go, no other group that would be accepting. Fast forward a bit, and we land at now. What’s happening now? There is a group. It’s a marvellous group, at that. In this group, it does not matter if you are deaf, hearing, deafened, hard of hearing, have usher syndrome…no matter how you define yourself and your deafness/hearing loss, you are welcome. Welcome, regardless. And I can’t even begin to tell you how much it means, not just to me, but to many others. To have a place, where you can be yourself, support one another, no judgement, but rather, lifting one another up, helping each other to find our wings; words will never be enough to express how happy I am to have found this.
In terms of my deaf identity, I have been rather confused for a while. Whilst I have had periods of time where I’ve felt strong in who I am, and my deafness, there have been other periods of time where I just get confused and have mixed-emotions. It’s like a minefield at times. I love English, but I love British Sign Language too. I love the spoken language, but I find it a relief when I can use my hands and expressions. I love music, but I suspect I could feel music more if it is BSL interpreted. I love being anonymous, and just going into London on my own; but I also love being taken in by the warm embrace of an accepting group, and causing chaos together on the tube. So many contradictions. But this is okay, because this is what life is like; life isn’t black and white. It just means that I have never quite been able to describe myself properly as a deaf person; sure, I will tell someone I am deaf, but if we start to delve into deaf issues, and how I feel about deaf issues that affect me…well, what is the answer there? Do I tell it from the point of view of Sarah-who-speaks or Sarah-who-signs? They are very different things, yet they inhabit the same person. I have many different experiences; on one hand, I love that I can try and communicate with a wide variety of hearing people, on the other hand, when I use BSL, I access a conversation on a much deeper, clearer level.
The whole deaf identity thing is an ongoing thing. It will still probably take a long time before I will confidently be able to define it. I am more sure of myself, and I understand myself a lot more, but I am still learning about how my deafness fits into all of this. It is a part of me, it has made me who I am today, but I’m still on a long journey. But now? Now it is a journey in which I already feel accepted; I feel accepted by a whole host of people. Life is good. It presents people to us, just at the right time. And if you want to find out more about this group? Go ahead; we are mad, but we are lovely.
What makes you feel accepted?
Happy Thursday, y’all, have a good one. ♥
For the last 10 minutes or so, I have had my foot resting on a speaker, and have been playing songs that I once used to have on repeat, all day long. Trying to rediscover music. Trying to be brave.
The whole music thing has been hurting me, on and off, for the last few years. Ever since my hearing dropped, pretty drastically, a few years back, my relationship with music has been rocky. Whereas I once had a deep bond with music, these days it has filtered out to be almost none-existent. It’s not for a lack of trying; believe me, there have been many points over the last few years where I have sat myself down and tried to force my hearing aids to recognise all the beautiful notes of songs, but it’s something that needs a lot of bravery and persistence and time and determination, all at once.
And now? After this year? I feel stronger and more willing to expose myself to things that scare me. Why would music be scary? Well, quite – why is music scary, Sarah? It’s not so much music itself, it’s more the feelings that come up to the surface every time I try and relearn to listen to music. It reminds me of what once was; I could once listen to music without any aids, whatsoever. All I could hear was the bass notes, but that was how I liked it (back then I had a “seaslope” hearing loss – most of my high frequencies were gone, but my low frequencies were still there). I could recognise songs, sometimes even quicker than my hearing friends/family. I could walk into a shop, and all I could hear was the song playing on the loudspeaker, and if it was a song I liked, I could recognise it. It’s very different now, which makes it hard, and it hurts sometimes, but I need music in my life. Which means I need to get past the hurt…and keep going.
Yesterday, someone said to me that as introverts, we dig deep. We dig deep to find the courage and confidence to socialise, to put ourselves out there, to live in a very extroverted society. Dig deep. It applies to other parts of life too; we have to dig deep to find the strength to push past hard feelings. Right now, there’s a lot of digging deep.
The past week was heavy, and a lot of repressed feelings came out, mostly from others, and it was good for them to get it all out. At the weekend, the boy and I took a trip up to Cambridge to see my granny (she’s currently in the middle of a 2 week stay at “rehab” – not rehab rehab, but rehab to help her get moving again post-op), and we stayed in the bungalow on our own. On Saturday morning it was so lovely to wake up slowly, and just be with the boy; just the two of us. We had coffee, American-style pancakes with maple syrup (yum!), and plenty of soul searching conversations. It was a good morning.
We spoke about the last year, and why certain things had been the way they were. I slipped into another depressive episode, from September until around May; and whilst it wasn’t as extreme as it has been in the past, I made myself numb. I didn’t want to face the feelings, so I just numbed myself to it all, and it wasn’t the right thing to do but it is what it is – I can’t go back and change it, but I can try to understand it now. Dig deep.
With everything that has been happening lately, I feel strong; I have dealt with it all remarkably well, I think. My feelings haven’t been getting the best of me. I’ve tried to stay calm. I’ve kicked anxiety in the butt. It’s all about how you face the “problems” in your life, and often they will appear better or worse depending on how you cope with them, and how you think about them. So look after your precious brain, it’s a marvellous thing…but it’s a very powerful thing too. Treat it well, and you’ll reap the benefits.
This weekend was spent in Cambridgeshire, and there was plenty of time for reflection. Friday was a hard day, but all is smoothing out now. Love overspilled this weekend, and really, love is all that matters. The next few weeks may involve shuttling between London and Cambridge, but the person at the middle of it all is a tough old boot – and that came from her very own mouth! It all began in the early hours of Friday, and from then on, Friday flew by in a frenzy. My beloved Granny had a fall, broke her hip, went to A&E in an ambulance (wherein my mum met her), and by the afternoon she was being prepped for surgery for a hip replacement. The hospital are looking after her extremely well, and in spite of the pain, she is still her usual chatty, positive self! She’s truly amazing.
So, today, back in London, I am feeling calm. A little restless, after the get-go of the weekend, and strangely, I am actually eager for work to start now. Got a couple of hours to kill, before I have to go, though; will most likely fill them with Pinterest, coffee, and writing to-do lists. Today has been slow; but maybe that was needed.
Over the last month or 2, I have begun to think about meditation. More specifically, Mindfulness. And even yoga. Bear in mind, I am a novice here, and have never tried either before! But I think Mindfulness (and yoga, perhaps) will really help me. It will create time in each day where it is quiet; no voices (either my own, or others), no distractions, no busy-ness…just, calm. It helps you to live in the moment, to be aware, to find peace in a hectic world. I really need that, and I suspect it’ll be good for my mental health for years to come. Do any of you do meditation and/or yoga? Please share your experiences, I’d love to learn more.
Let the week ahead be a good one.
Here’s to recovery.
Here’s to love.
Here’s to life.
It’s been a while, but these lists always bring me back. Back to the little things. Back to the happy things. Back to gratitude.
Pinterest, for me, allows me to cultivate things that truly make me happy. I follow other pinners who may post beautiful quotes, pretty/wacky/calming/eccentric interiors, cute cats and/or dogs (and kittens/puppies – how could they not make you smile?), clothes that I’ll lust after, activities I want to try (paragliding over the sea, anyone?)…and many more. It all combines in a lovely way, so that when I stray over, there is always something (more often than not it is many things) that I’ll want to pin. So there is more than enough to make a list of 10 things I am loving right now…
1 ♥ Suffering/overcoming:
2 ♥ Cute, cute, cute:
4 ♥ This gorgeous little window nook (and a DIY for the throw):
5 ♥ Worth loving:
6 ♥ Quilt love:
7 ♥ Pretty (lightbulb) upcycling:
9 ♥ Summer bike rides:
10 ♥ What if you fly:
Have a wonderful Wednesday; go ahead, fly.
“There is no passion to be found playing small – in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.” ~ Nelson Mandela
This is for all those I love; and for all of you, because I am sending love out, from the bottom of my heart. I am not going to lie; this year has been hard. And in that hardness, I have felt no pull towards the things that once used to interest me. But I do not want to dwell on that, I want to move on. For the past few months I have wondered, and wondered, and wondered some more, about whether to keep going on here, or to start afresh. That answer has still not yet come to me, but either way a change has taken place in me, and that means that things may be slightly different around here; for now, I am still here.
I am here, and I am getting there. I will get there. And the radio silence will end, I promise, but for now I can only offer love through this little space on the interwebs, and hope that even if you have felt neglected, that you know it is not you. It’s not you at all. The mind works in mysterious ways, and life does too. We live in a world that is so busy – or perhaps that just depends on which corner of the world you reside in. London…? Busy. My mind…? Busy. Everything, combined…? Too much. But life is ever changing. And in this moment in time, that is a positive.
I hope life has been kind to you, and if not, I hope you have the strength and courage to keep going.
With love, as always, Sarah.
I am in a strange place right now. A place where I feel the best thing for me is time alone. Time to sort through all my thoughts. Time to figure things out. Time without pressure. Time for space, space in which I am not made to feel guilty.
More than ever, I just want to take off. To get lost. In a beautiful place. Some of my greatest realisations were realised in places that are not familiar to me, or at least, not places that are everyday to me.
Life is complicated; yet, at the same time, it really isn’t. It’s complicated in that answers aren’t always immediately obvious, but it’s uncomplicated in that we should search for the simple things, and create our lives around those simple things. Simple things like love, which is actually a huge thing, but the concept is simple, in it’s purest form.
Creating your own path in life is not easy. From an outside point of view, it may seem pretty enviable, but when you have only yourself to answer to…it’s not easy, that’s all.
I may not be able to just up and go, but I can attempt to create a little time and space right here, right now. I have to use what I have.
The lack of blog posts recently is because of all of this. In the midst of feeling a bit lost, I’ve not had the energy to blog. Yet, I know how freeing it is, to be honest about how you feel. So I feel the need to remind myself of this, and not stop.
Time and space. Right here. Right now.
Something about rainbows always lift my spirits. The sight of one in the sky will almost instantly put a smile on my face. Then there’s all the rainbow inspired art out there. There’s décor inspired by rainbows. Clothes inspired by rainbows – I even have a dress that I call my ‘rainbow dress’, that I’ve kept for over 6 years now. When I lived away from home, during my first year of Uni, I made sure my room was bright and colourful – which meant I had every colour of the rainbow in there! This obsession of mine with rainbows has never waned, and I hope it never will. Hence, here’s a rainbow appreciation post; enjoy!
I am currently obsessed with decor/interiors, which is why I begun to stray towards beautiful colourful rooms! Moving along…
A bit of (rainbow) dance love:
Colour inspires me, and I am forever drawn towards them – especially yellow and blue. Show me a rainbow of colours, in any form, and I’ll be happy for a while. And Dr. Seuss is sure to put a smile on your face too:
…whatever it may hold.
For my future child/ren, I promise to support you in the best way I know how. I will try my hardest not to put pressure onto you. I will love every single inch of you (although I can’t promise I’ll be a fan of what comes out of the other end when you’re tiny). I will try to make sure I show you many ways to achieve the things you want to in life. I will be there.
For my future self, please, please, don’t be so hard on yourself. You take each day, and do the best you can with the day you’re in. Some days will be amazing, some will be good, some okay, and some will be downright awful. But just do your best, and if you need it, treat yourself at the end of the day. Or, if it’s really that bad, treat yourself in the middle of the day. Heck, treat yourself just because. Don’t need a reason. Also; let go. Enjoy the simple things. Carry on.
For the future life I will be leading with the boy, I hope we still say ‘I love you’ umpteen times each day. I hope we remember to always be kind to one another. I will continue to listen to you. I hope we will still be inspiring each other to grow and constantly be becoming the best possible versions of ourselves. I will love living with you, I know that for sure. I hope you won’t get too grumpy with me when I am occasionally messy. I promise to tidy up the afore mentioned mess.
For the future, I send lots of love.
For the future, I lend a hand.
For the future, I feel confident in what I am doing.
For the future, I give a sense of calm.
For the present? Just keep doing what you gotta do, day by day. Always, always, always try your best. And don’t define your life by the bad days, because the bad days aren’t the be-all, end-all. Start moving towards your future, and just…be.