For the last 10 minutes or so, I have had my foot resting on a speaker, and have been playing songs that I once used to have on repeat, all day long. Trying to rediscover music. Trying to be brave.
The whole music thing has been hurting me, on and off, for the last few years. Ever since my hearing dropped, pretty drastically, a few years back, my relationship with music has been rocky. Whereas I once had a deep bond with music, these days it has filtered out to be almost none-existent. It’s not for a lack of trying; believe me, there have been many points over the last few years where I have sat myself down and tried to force my hearing aids to recognise all the beautiful notes of songs, but it’s something that needs a lot of bravery and persistence and time and determination, all at once.
And now? After this year? I feel stronger and more willing to expose myself to things that scare me. Why would music be scary? Well, quite – why is music scary, Sarah? It’s not so much music itself, it’s more the feelings that come up to the surface every time I try and relearn to listen to music. It reminds me of what once was; I could once listen to music without any aids, whatsoever. All I could hear was the bass notes, but that was how I liked it (back then I had a “seaslope” hearing loss – most of my high frequencies were gone, but my low frequencies were still there). I could recognise songs, sometimes even quicker than my hearing friends/family. I could walk into a shop, and all I could hear was the song playing on the loudspeaker, and if it was a song I liked, I could recognise it. It’s very different now, which makes it hard, and it hurts sometimes, but I need music in my life. Which means I need to get past the hurt…and keep going.
Yesterday, someone said to me that as introverts, we dig deep. We dig deep to find the courage and confidence to socialise, to put ourselves out there, to live in a very extroverted society. Dig deep. It applies to other parts of life too; we have to dig deep to find the strength to push past hard feelings. Right now, there’s a lot of digging deep.
The past week was heavy, and a lot of repressed feelings came out, mostly from others, and it was good for them to get it all out. At the weekend, the boy and I took a trip up to Cambridge to see my granny (she’s currently in the middle of a 2 week stay at “rehab” – not rehab rehab, but rehab to help her get moving again post-op), and we stayed in the bungalow on our own. On Saturday morning it was so lovely to wake up slowly, and just be with the boy; just the two of us. We had coffee, American-style pancakes with maple syrup (yum!), and plenty of soul searching conversations. It was a good morning.
We spoke about the last year, and why certain things had been the way they were. I slipped into another depressive episode, from September until around May; and whilst it wasn’t as extreme as it has been in the past, I made myself numb. I didn’t want to face the feelings, so I just numbed myself to it all, and it wasn’t the right thing to do but it is what it is – I can’t go back and change it, but I can try to understand it now. Dig deep.
With everything that has been happening lately, I feel strong; I have dealt with it all remarkably well, I think. My feelings haven’t been getting the best of me. I’ve tried to stay calm. I’ve kicked anxiety in the butt. It’s all about how you face the “problems” in your life, and often they will appear better or worse depending on how you cope with them, and how you think about them. So look after your precious brain, it’s a marvellous thing…but it’s a very powerful thing too. Treat it well, and you’ll reap the benefits.