Snapshots of a Tuesday…

Today was one of those days that just…happens. When you take it as it comes, and you plan it as you go along; know those kind of days? Well, yeah, today was like that. Of course, I posted on Tumblr, at regular intervals, and I took plentiful photographs, here and there. Highlights include a breakfast trip to IKEA with the boy (not as good as Wetherspoon, I have the say…especially when it comes to veggie breakfast…), buying myself a fake sunflower as a treat (IKEA seem to do some lovely fake flowers), laughing (there was one point when the boy left the room, whilst I was laughing, but I just kept on going, laughing, stopping, laughing, stopping, and I was still laughing when he came back in about 2 or 3 minutes later!), lighting my teacup candles and having a spontaneous sing-sign-song with the big sis. Today had some lovely moments.

However, sometimes the lovely moments are joined by some moments that could bring you to tears. Life is beautiful, and it is full of moments that can take our breath away, and sometimes it really can take someone’s breath away. I will never understand why people have to leave this earth early, when they still have so many more years ahead of them; it is cruel, but it happens. An old friend, whom I don’t really keep in touch with any more, well his lovely mother has gone away. I feel sad about it, and I know that they are probably in a lot of pain; it’s a pain that will probably stay with them, but all anyone can do in times like these is just remember all those moments that make up beautiful, special memories for you. Hold them close, and let them dull the pain. She was special, and she had a lovely smile, I won’t forget her smile. Here’s to you.

Bittersweet. Whilst there were quite a few scatterings of happy moments today, my mind often drifted back, and I had to steer it in the right way again. There is so much to look forward to, so much to be grateful for, and so much yet to come. I am thankful, and I am grateful, and I am here, right in this moment. I am aware of this moment. It’s interesting how certain things make us so much more aware.

But, life is good. There are reasons to celebrate. Whilst special people might not be here any more, these are lives to be celebrated. Remember them, remember all the good about them, and celebrate them. Here are the scatterings of my day, taken from posts I did on Tumblr, and photos I took with my phone.

There are moments in life when we become acutely aware of other people and the pains they’re suffering, and you feel so sad… Heart, don’t be heavy.

Crack the shutters open…let the sunshine stream in.

Hello, sunshine, I love you so very much.

You know that thing, when you look into the eyes of someone close to you, whom you love; and all that is rushing through your mind, seems to be as clear to the other person, just as if you had said it all? I had a moment like that today. I went to see my mum at her office, and I simply said a few words to her about something, and the rest was pretty much unspoken, because she knew. For a few moments, we were just lost in the mutual understanding that life is so, utterly cruel sometimes. It has a habit of taking people from the world, leaving behind a trail of sorrow. But, of course, there is so much beauty still; but beauty that you knew existed before, now hurts.

I’m walking away, from the troubles in my life, I’m walking away, oh, to find a better day…

I hope, very much, that you have had a lovely Tuesday. I am embracing the good moments, those moments where I laugh without cause, where I sing-sign-along with those I love, where I love the very moment I am in. Here’s to being aware, and here’s to all the people who are in our lives. Love life this week.

Sweet Dreams Lucky.

Lucky, sweet Lucky, didn’t make it. I feel so sad; although s/he was only a few days old, s/he was still alive, still had a little heart, a little soul. Lucky was adorable, and could have grown into a beautiful rabbit. The fact is, though, that hand rearing newborn rabbits is rarely successful, but it was worth a try. It just wasn’t meant to be. Flower, the mama, didn’t want her babies, and really, she was the only one who could care for them. Their little souls are somewhere else now, and I’m sure they’re having sweet dreams. In the short time we had you, you were so lovely, Lucky. Rest in peace, you were loved.

Goodbye Sweetheart.

This morning, we had to put one of our beautiful cats to sleep. She was an old cat, just 18, but it is still such a hard thing to do. When we got her, and her brother, I was 4-years-old, and I’m now 22, so I pretty much grew up with them. Last year, in July, we had to put her brother to sleep, and later tonight we’ll be putting her to rest beside him in the garden; it’s going to be hard. Just trying to remember all the good memories, all her silly little characteristics and quirky ways. She loved shoes, we’d be forever finding her asleep on top of shoes, or even in the shoes sometimes! And she adored cardboard boxes for the last year or so, and she loved one of them so much that it became her bed. She was the kind of cat who loved being around people, and got very lonely, so she would always be with us; I used to love having her in my room all day, she would sleep the whole day on my bed and if I went out of the room she would follow me. Oh, damn, I’m really going to miss her so much. Here are a few photographs of the beauty…

Rest in peace, sweetheart, you will be missed terribly. I hope they have fish paste up there, and cardboard boxes and shoes too. Be nice to your brother! Love you so much, always will. Sweet dreams Georgie Lady, sleep tight x

The Playground in the Sky.

4 years ago, a wonderful man passed away. And I still miss him, I think I always will miss him. He was my Uncle, and a lovely father to my cousins, but that isn’t the only thing I miss about him. I miss the way his stubble used to prick my cheeks when we greeted and parted; I miss his humour; I miss his kindness; I miss that twinkle he always had in his eyes. I miss him because he was such a big part of my childhood; I’ll always remember bouncing on him with my cousin when we were little, and he would play along, pretending he was fast asleep. I remember one day, when we were staying round our Granny and Pop’s, he randomly took us both out one morning, and we had lots of fun, but arrived home to a frantic Aunt, because he hadn’t told anyone where we’d gone. (This was before mobile phones were a commonplace thing). His presence is sorely missed. Deeply missed. I know my cousins miss him, and I feel so bad that they can’t have their Dad to talk to anymore, to lean on. All we can do is remember the good times, always remember the good times. It will still hurt, I still get upset at this time every year now, but I know that I was lucky to even know him at all. I will love him, always and forever. And I will miss him, always and forever. 26/11/07 xxx

A Letter.

I read a blog post earlier that was about things we learn as we go through life; and so I thought it’d be a nice idea to write a post about things I know now, and things that my younger self shouldn’t have worried about. This is in no means a new idea, but it’s possibly the first time I have done a letter to my younger self, so here goes.

Dear 16-Year-Old-Self, 

You have so much ahead of you, so much to look forward to, and many hurdles to overcome yet. Things won’t go the way everyone thought they would. You started A-Levels, but in the place you were at the time, it wasn’t where you needed to be, so you went in a different direction, and that was okay. Life doesn’t always go the way you expect, but rather than dwell on all the negatives, it’s important to find all the positives. Although you do look for the positives, look harder. You smile a lot; don’t stop smiling. I know you’re shy, but you will overcome that, and although there will be situations where you still feel shy, just remember that not everyone is confident, so seek out those who seem friendly, and just be yourself. 

When you’re two months shy of 18, you will meet the boy who will become your boyfriend, and you will still be together over 4 years later. He’s lovely. He will know how to make you smile, how to make you laugh, and he will eventually come to appreciate your quirky ways. At first, he will be a bit apprehensive about how loud and giggly you are, but don’t worry, keep being yourself, and he will realise that it’s just who you are…and he will begin to loosen up himself. These days, you both go a bit mad sometimes. So it’s all good. 

Be creative. Don’t be scared to be creative; if people tell you that the only way to get ahead is to be academic, you don’t necessarily have to listen to them. If you want to take photographs, take photographs. If you want to do Photography for A-Levels, go ahead. Don’t let anyone hold you back. Unfortunately, you didn’t do Photography; but you met some great people through the theatre company, you met the boy through a friend at the theatre company, and you really came out of yourself during those two years, so don’t regret a thing. But just be more creative. You are a creative person. 

You could never have predicted where you would be now, as a 22-Year-Old, but that’s alright. Things change. Whilst you may have wanted to be a teacher, at the moment, that’s not what your 22-Year-Old-Self wants; who knows what the future will bring, but at this moment in time, teaching is not something you want to follow anymore. Instead, you are setting up a creative business, dabbling in a small inclusive theatre group and studying part-time. It all blends together, to make up an interesting, varied week. Learn to let go of structure a little, and embrace the unknown. The path ahead isn’t always clear, so stop worrying and just be. 

Some friends stay, some friends leave. Don’t dwell on friendships that have long ago faded away; remember the happy times and forget the sad times. There are a handful of friends you have now, who will still be with you in a few years time; love them and appreciate them. They will become your rocks, your constants. Others, well, others won’t stay with you, but their imprint will always stay with you. So cherish the time you do have with them, and when you start to drift away, don’t let it make you sad. You never know, one day you might come back together again. Take lots of photographs, so you will always have the memories. Memories are precious. 

In November 2007, you will lose your Uncle. It will be horrible, and it will be sad, so sad. Just be there for your family, for those you love. It’s all you can do. You will walk arm in arm with your Granny on the day of the funeral, she will appreciate it. Just remember the good times, saviour the good memories. Cherish the photographs. Cherish the love. Talk about the good memories, and try to forget the bad ones. 

In 2008, you create a blog, Stars and Rainbows, and you will start a new blogging journey that will connect you with many people. It will be good for you, both for your writing and your soul. Letting things out is good. Exploring things is good. Trying new things is good. The world is there to be explored; document those explorations through your writing and your photographs. You will appreciate it, and you will love looking back over past blog posts. Trust me, it’s a good thing. A great thing. 

Over the next few years, sadly, you will lose a lot, and I mean a lot, of your hearing. It will be so hard for you, and it will hurt so bad, but just remember how strong you are. Surprisingly, you give hearing aids another go. This time, you actually wear them, day in, day out. They start to help you, especially when you’ve lost the hearing. Without your hearing aids, you can’t hear much at all anymore. Music sounds very different now. Hopefully that will get better, so don’t give up; technology advances so much, you never know what hearing aid technology might bring in the next few years. Share your experiences, don’t coop them up inside. Talk to your sister, she’s been through it all already. Open up to people. 

And lastly, don’t be scared. Life is good. It’s a big, big adventure, but with the right people by your side, it will be a great adventure. Focus on the journey, not the destination. Ultimately, the destination is unknown, so it’s the journey that is the important part. Let go, go ahead, and above all, just be yourself; smile. Smile everyday. 

With lots of love from your 22-Year-Old-Self xxx

10 Years

It has been 10 years today since 9/11, and in some ways the emotion is still raw. Earlier today, I was reading through blogs that had paid tribute to the people who died on that day, and tears escaped from my eyes. If I am feeling this way, then my heart goes out to the friends and families who had people taken away from them 10 years ago; friends, mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, nieces, nephews, friends – everyone who died that day meant something to someone. It should not have happened, but we will never forget those who died and those who bravely went forward to help on that day.

I Miss You.

26/11/07

I still miss you.
I will never forget you.
Love you, always, forever and a day.
You were the best Uncle I could have asked for.
You were the most amazing Father they could have wished for.
I hope the Jazz is good up there xxx

Sunshine days

Where have all the sunshine days gone…? Personally, this week hasn’t been a great one. But I’m still not completely sure why. I think the problem with volunteering is obviously, one, it’s not paid work and two, you never really know what you’re going to get out of it until you do it. And this week, I feel like I haven’t got as much out of it as I have previously. And it’s making me feel like I should look more seriously for a paid job instead. But I’m just not sure anymore. I took this job at the theatre because it sounded like an amazing opportunity…and it has been. But it’s getting closer to the Christmas show run now and there’s not really much need for me anymore, so I feel like I’m just standing on the side-lines, watching a life that I used to be part of but not really involved with anymore. I don’t know if anyone else feels like that?

I’m trying so hard to find all the little things right now…a smile, or a hug, or comfort food. Anything really. Maybe it’s because it’s coming to an end of the year, and it feels like it’s gone too fast now, even though a lot has happened this year. At the beginning of the year, I was still away from home at University…and it was in January that things slowly started to go a bit downhill. By the end of the Spring term, I hate the course and the University but I didn’t know what to do. Then by the time the Summer term started, I pretty much wanted to leave every minute I was there. But we all got thrown into the deep end because it was the end of year production. EVERYTHING had to be done by us…the set design, the costumes, the lighting, some directional work, research…everything. And it was made worse by the fact that we were studying a Brecht play – WOW…I actually don’t like this dude. So over the summer, I did a bit of soul searching and decided that enough was enough…and I quit. And I’ve been happier for it.

So I really don’t know what is wrong with me at the moment. I think it’s just one of those days that has turned into one of those weeks. Those days when you feel a bit rubbish and don’t have much to motivate you. It seems to be a pattern now though, because it’s getting closer to the end of November and in 2007, my Uncle died at the end of November…and I still miss him. I still think about him. I try to find ways to keep him in my memory because he was such a lovely Uncle, especially when we were young… Every time we had family gatherings, I’ll always remember how his spiky stubble of a beard would prick my face when I went to kiss his cheek… I’ll remember bouncing on his tummy and legs with my cousin(s)… I’ll remember how one time, he made me soldiers and runny eggs…but I was fussy and didn’t want the runny eggs…so he whipped up something else for me… There’s so many childhood memories that he was part of, I never want to forget them. There are so many people who can make up your life, be a part of you…maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think we should forget the special people. Family, friends, inspirational people in your life…don’t forget them, even if you don’t see them anymore, don’t forget them because they could have helped make you into the person you are today.

I need to find a good book to bury myself into…and a good pile of CDs or Vinyl…and maybe a good film to watch tonight or tomorrow…and possibly make myself a good ol’ “To Do List”. Maybe then, I’ll feel more motivated…? I hope so. And I think I might go and make some pancakes, for breakfast…

Throw some sunshine into your day…

Everybody, Do what you’re doing, Your smile will bring a sunshine day…

MJ

http://catsandchocolate.wordpress.com/2009/11/10/catching-up-with-old-friends/

Couldn’t have put it any better myself. Although, The Rolling Stones, The Beatles and Elvis are my great loves too…but I suppose, MJ bled into our time-lines, we got to experience his music first-hand by living on the earth at the same time, whilst he was spurning out all these songs. We’ll always Remember The Time (when we fell in love).

Blogging in a twittering style…

Think the fact that I’m now on twitter has had a strange effect on my blogging. Well, that and the fact that I still seem to be too busy. Despite not doing much this last week or so. That’s a lie but it’s not a lie at the same time, if that makes sense? The weekend seemed to be BUSY, but last week was relatively quiet…but I suspect that had something to be with being “ill”. For the last week, I’ve been poorly with a tummy bug but thankfully, it’s starting to pass now. Fingers crossed!

I don’t know why I always seem to get myself into the deep end at the moment. If I have a spare moment in my day, I’ll try and cram it with something to keep my busy. But it’s not such a good thing. And I don’t know why I keep doing it. I’ve been thinking that it has something to do with being so busy at uni last year, that this time round I feel like I need to be busy otherwise I don’t feel as if I’ve achieved anything. Hmmm. But maybe it’s also to tire myself out so I can sleep at night and not have to think?! I don’t know really but I always used to be a bit of a lazy bum, so to suddenly turn into someone who’s BUSY BUSY BUSY, it doesn’t make much sense to me. It’s a strange life, this is.

So many great things have happened so far since friday. On friday, the boy and I went to see Bloc Party…and they were simply amazing, but they always are. It was a sad one afterwards though because it was probably the last gig they will be playing for at LEAST a year; they’re all taking time out from the band to focus on their own stuff – one has a baby, one is becoming a published writer… I’m eagerly awaiting their return to music though…but at the same time, I’m looking forward to Kele’s published works. Another great thing was Halloween, which I spent with a very close friend…we went wandering around Central London after midnight…as vampires, so it was quite fitting really…we found some tasty humans too Then on sunday night, for my mother’s birthday, we went to Pinktober’s Women of Rock at the Royal Albert Hall…it blew me away. Highlights, for me, included Joss Stone, Sharon Corr, Escala, Melanie C…gosh, I actually liked all the acts who performed that night…even Brian May appeared! It gave a great start to the week…

Lately though, I’ve started to feel a bit paranoid about things. Mainly about how other people perceive me. It’s probably just me, as always, over-thinking about things but with some people, I feel like they’re not being themselves all the time and I can’t quite work them out. And I’m not sure if I should bother but me being me, it’s bothering me. A lot. Do you ever feel that with some people, they’re being absolutely lovely with you and you feel like you’re getting on really well…but then there’s some moments when you feel like they’re looking at you funny and aren’t being very genuine? There’s a very small handful of people that I’m getting these impressions from at the moment. And I really don’t know what to make of it. It’s strange, these are people that I really wouldn’t have expected this kind of behaviour from. It’s really confusing me. Maybe I’m reading too much into it…but I can’t help it. When you get funny looks/behaviour from people, you’ll either be one of those who shrug it off…or, like me, you’ll sit and wonder about it for days/weeks afterward. I wish I could shed some light on the whole thing because now I’m not sure whether to make the effort anymore. I feel like I’ve put a lot into the friendship with one of them…but when I needed someone to talk to the other week, she didn’t get back to me until a lot later, by which time she was busy and I had already spoken to someone else. Is this just me, or is that a blow-off? Haven’t spoken to her since it happened. Haven’t really seen her since it happened. Or any of them actually. Busy lives or avoidance tactics?

Beside from that little hiccup, everything is still going quite smoothly in my little world. I’m excited because it’s November and it’s Christmas next month. But this is also the month that my Uncle died, I still miss him but I can’t even begin to imagine how my cousins must be feeling. It’s nearly two years but I don’t think any of us will ever stop missing him. As always, I’m just going to try and remember the good memories, not the bad ones. R.I.P P(D)F xxx