My Path.

Over the last few days, I’ve noticed that quite a few people I know are coming to the end of their academic years. Some are finishing for the year, and returning in September, whereas others are finishing their degrees; dusting it off and perhaps moving away from education. They’re celebrating. Maybe some are feeling slightly scared and nervous, but most will not admit it, at least not on Facebook. That’s what I’ve noticed. Often, you will see many happy Facebook statuses, for the most part, a lot of us are trying to keep up the appearance that we are leading a happy life. Hell, even I’m guilty of that, especially on Facebook. It’s okay, though; I would much rather only reveal the good things, and perhaps a little gripe here and there, rather than bearing my soul on Facebook – it’s not what I use it for. I will “bare my soul” to my friends, those who are closest to me, but not my entire Facebook friend list, not any more.

Back to the point, went off a little there! Many seem to be moving along now, or celebrating the end of the academic year, and to be honest, I feel a little odd. This last year, I’ve taken off from study. I needed a bit of a breather, and I also wasn’t entirely sure which way to go next. The people I love are urging me to continue with my studies, and yes, I will be, but I’m returning slightly to where I was this time last year. I’m returning to that feeling of “who am I doing this for?” and “what is my aim?”. At times, it seems as if it is others who are pushing me to get my degree, and not so much myself. Then there’s the aim thing. Then I will be rational, and think, well, no, I AM doing this for me, I will be the one who will benefit from having a degree. I guess it’s partly due to the whole Open University thing; you are doing it alone, because whilst you might be able to meet with others in your tutor group, and you have the support of your tutor for the year…ultimately, you don’t actually have a physical place where you go for lectures, tutorials or to meet your fellow students. It is you, your books, the course materials and the work you produce. Sometimes I find my thoughts straying, and wondering what it would have been like if I had chosen to return to a “conventional” university, with lectures, fellow students…and a student bar (the boy loves his student bar)! Perhaps I would have been able to have a little support group around me, and those friendships. Those friendships that are meant to last for life.

Then I think back a bit, and remember why I left “conventional” university in the first place; it wasn’t for me, and allowed me no time to focus on anything other than university work. Whilst that was just one course, and not the right one for me, at the time it put me off wanting to try another one. Which is why I ended up with the Open Uni. To be fair, it was the right choice at the time, but I’ve just chosen to follow a slightly harder path, because the only motivator in all this is myself. There are days when I can’t be bothered, and end up not sticking to the tasks I set myself, which leads to the work building up. However, I am in a clearer position now than I was over the first two years with the Open Uni, and feel better able to be strict with myself. If I follow the path I want to go down, I will need to learn how to divide my time appropriately and motivate myself. Sure, there will still be days when I might not do what I had set out to do, but they will be other days where I will hopefully go above and beyond what I had set out to achieve. I know that in order to reach my potential, I need to do this.

To reach my potential, I need to finish my degree. I need to be able to be sitting here in a couple of years time, and write about how I am at that finishing point. That celebratory point. Perhaps that should be my aim. If I can see myself graduating, then I will get there. If I can see myself doing well, then you can bet that I will put the hard work in. And then I will do a happy status about how I finished that assignment, and am ready for the weekend! But for now, I will make some plans, and do some (non-academic!) work. I will keep moving forward.

“I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.” 
~ The Road Not Taken, Robert Frost

The State of Things…

Maybe what it really comes down to, is that we’re all fighting our way through life; we all go through hard times, and sometimes, some people slip through those cracks, and don’t survive the hard times? On the other hand, it has much to do with your mental outlook. If you fight against your negative mindset, and create a positive mindset inside your head, then things might start to look brighter again. Over the last few months, I have learnt of many people I know who have fallen under the spell of depression. Now, I’m not talking about the “I’m so depressed” that people say when things aren’t going their way, those bad moments that soon pass, and they’re back to normal again. No. I’m talking about full-throttle, bottom-of-a-black-hole-inducing depression. The kind that slowly sucks you in, robs you of your good thoughts, and steals your sunshine. It lasts for however long. It can go on from weeks, to months. There’s no time-scale. Except that one day, you wake up, and the clouds have gone.

Well, yeah. A handful of people I know have/are going through that. And it sucks. The thing is, I can advise, I can tell them what they can do to make their days a little better; but I can’t be inside of their heads. I can’t tell them to stop thinking the bad thoughts. I can’t make it go away. Only they can make themselves feel better. They have the power. The worst thing is hearing about a girl that I’ve known since she was little, who is now 16, and feeling depressed. Suicidal. She is deaf, and attends a mainstream school, with NO support. There’s a gap in the education system, and it’s not good. When you reach age 16, and you attend Sixth Form, or college, then there is no provision, or rather, they are not obliged to give you any support. By support, I mean note-takers, Teachers of the Deaf to come in and support you in lessons, interpretors… This has left this girl feeling crippled; and I totally understand. I started Sixth Form, and it was a nightmare. Every day, I’d be coming home in tears; my mum had to be home by the time I got back from school, because she wasn’t sure just what I would do. That is how bad it was when I was 17, and that is the lowest I have ever been. I would hate for anyone to feel like that; and the thing is, I know that many people do feel like that. It’s horrid.

So, I want to make a difference. Somehow. Some way. Today, I set up another blog, on Tumblr, for deaf, hard of hearing, or teenagers, who feel isolated, alone, lost, depressed, and/or low. Everyone hurts, and everyone suffers, but not everyone helps. Careless words are spoken, hurtful comments are said; people are told to “get over it”, “stop being so silly”…this doesn’t help. What we need is more acceptance, more awareness, more people who care. If this sounds like something you’re interested in, please, don’t hesitate to get in touch with me, via commenting below. And if you’re deaf, young, and feeling anything like what I’ve described above, then have a look at Indeafinitely. This is for you.

Things will get better. Brighter days will come. Your sunshine is waiting for you. Never, never give up. You are worth it.

This point; right here.

Do you ever pause and think about where you are right now, where you were at this point in the past, and where you want to go? It’s something I think about from time to time, sometimes I feel good, sometimes I miss things and people, but if I hadn’t experienced any of it, I wouldn’t be where I am, and who I am. Currently, I’m planning lots of things, and whilst there’s a big part of me that is just itching to stop the planning and just do things, I know that the planning is essential. So I persist, and soon enough, I’ll be able to start the “do” part!

This time 4 years ago, I was in my last year on my college course, and I felt a bit strange. I was happy, very happy, because I was 7 months into my relationship with the boy, but I wasn’t completely happy education-wise. I do love the theatre, and the beloved-theatre-company, but I was at a point where I felt a bit odd; many of the friends I had grown up with there had moved on, gone to University etc, and I guess it was a bit strange to be in a place that held so many childhood memories, and yet I was studying there. I don’t regret it at all, because in doing the course, I had left my Secondary School behind, which was a good thing. But there was just something missing, I guess, because I was in a place where childhood was still so present, but I needed to grow up a bit, and to do that, I needed to go away.

This time 3 years ago, I was just starting out at Reading University. It started well. I thought it was a good course, and I had made some nice friends on the course, and a few from outside of the course. But I was away from home, away from the boy, away from those I loved. At the time, it didn’t really suit me very much. As the year went on, I got more and more homesick, and I realised just how much I was missing London too – even though it wasn’t far away by train, when you’re in a whole different place, well, it’s just not the same. I didn’t feel completely comfortable in the presence of those at University either, but I’m only starting to realise this now. There was a fair bit of back-stabbing, bitchiness and two-facedness, and all of that really isn’t who I am. From that year, I’ve gained one really good friend, and the other friendships have now more or less fallen away. However, I also don’t regret this year. I learnt a lot about myself – I’m a home-girl at heart, I like to be around those I love more than being by myself, I’m creative, I have an ever-present love of bright colours, and I always, always try to face things with a smile!

2 years ago, I had just started on the long journey with the Open University. It’s been tough, you need loads of self-motivation, and at times I do get a bit fed up with it all, but I just have to remember what I’m working towards…eventually, I will have a degree…it’s just taking a little longer. The big sis and I had also started to get a bit more serious about the jewellery business at this point, and in the December, we held a jewellery party and did quite well with it. Little steps; it was a bit stop and start after that, but we’re now on the way to relaunching the whole thing…it’s exciting!

This time last year, I had started my second course with the Open University, and I was also doing my Level 2 BSL course, at last. Through doing the BSL course, my confidence was slowly starting to grow again, and I was realising just how much BSL I already knew! With sign-language, if you don’t use it, you might lose it, but there was a lot of knowledge in me, it was just tucked away, not being used, so I’m glad I did the course, because it helped me to feel more confident when I’m signing. It also helped that our teacher was Deaf herself, so it was great to see a strong, confident Deaf woman every week.

Where am I now? What is happening right now, at this point in time? Well, currently, I’m not studying, as there wasn’t an Open Uni course that started in October that I took a liking to…but there’s one starting in January that I like the look of…so that’s the next step – with the O.U. you can do it bit by bit, working your way to a degree module by module, course by course. However, I’m currently making lots of plans; the biggest thing is the jewellery business, which has stepped up a level – I’ve been working away on a business plan, budgeting, market researching…it’s hard work! It’ll pay off though, and I’ll reveal more here when it’s all up and running. At the end of September, I finally took the plunge and got my first DSLR, and I’m so happy that I did. I think it marked a real change, because I’ve love photography for so long, yet I’ve been using the trusty point and shoot cameras, and feeling green with envy whenever I saw someone whip out a DSLR when I was out and about. But now? Now I have MY OWN. Happy days. I’ve been having lots of fun with it. Lots of fun. A lot of ideas have been bubbling up too, so I’ve been pinning things on Pinterest, and soaking up all the inspiration on the internet. Watch this space, because there will most definitely be more photographic adventures to come, which I will document on here.

After all that has happened this year, I’m feeling grateful at this point in time. Grateful for friends, family, life. I appreciate that I have this time to create what I want, which currently means setting up the jewellery business and playing with my camera. I don’t know what the future will hold, but I’m feeling happy, and I’m feeling excited. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this excited about things; and, excited, I’m glad you’re back. I’ve missed you. The next few weeks will be busy, busy and fun, as I put the finishing touches onto the business plan, and start the first steps on the “do”…and that’s the most exciting part. Sometimes it really is good to reflect on things, to look backwards at where you have been, to look forward at where you want to go, and to look at where you are now and re-evaluate things. If you don’t like where you are, then you have the power to change it. And if you can’t change it, change your attitude. It’s your life.

“This is your world. Shape it or someone else will.” – Gary Lew.

So…

…what’s been going on? I haven’t done a proper blog post for a few days now, mainly because I feel like I haven’t really got any news, and I don’t want to moan about things any more! I’m actively trying to keep a positive outlook on things, because it’s all too easy to slip into the negative mindset. There are a few things that seem to be hanging over me, so I feel like I just want to type it all down, and get it off my mind. (Perhaps then I can be more focused on the things that need to get done – a messy room and uni work want my attention!)

The first thing is money, or rather, the lack of it! The boy had patiently sat down with me this afternoon and tried to make me a financial plan…but I got all worked up and kept snapping at him (it’s no help that both my hearing aids decided to pack in the other day, so I’m relying on lipreading…with no back-up, bloody annoying!). But now I’ve calmed myself down and I’ve looked over the notes/numbers that he jotted down, and they make sense…hmm, he’s a clever boy. The fact that money is a worry for pretty much everyone in the house at the moment, well, it makes you worry even more, I think. However, the simple fact is that it is easy to budget, and this is precisely what the boy has tried to help me with. So, I’d better give him a big, big hug the next time I see him, mustn’t I?!

Yeah, so the other day, BOTH of my hearing aids decided to stop working – brilliant! They did this back in December too, so I took them to the hospital and had to get through the festivities without my hearing aids; and now it looks as if I’m going to be living in silence for a while again. These hearing aids seem to be very temperamental! *Sigh* The thing that annoys me the most about not having working hearing aids is when it comes to lipreading, as most of it is guesswork, so having some sounds to back it up really does take the strain of lipreading away. Ugh. It’s part of the reason I decided to wear hearing aids again, last summer, as I was getting so tired, too quickly, due to having to focus so much on reading lips without the sounds. Ah boo. I wish I had some sort of hearing aid technical expertise, so that every time this happens, I can fix them myself. Humph.

The last thing is uni work. Hmm. Recently I’ve had no focus. Zilch. None at all! I’ve been going to bed, with a free day the next day, and tell myself, right, tomorrow, I must get on with some uni work… And it just doesn’t happen. There are things going on all around me, and those things win my attention. It’s pretty bad. I’m starting to think that I need more structure, more plans, so that on the days I schedule to do uni work, I actually get it done, instead of spending the day procrastinating. At this rate I’m going to end up with charts for everything – money, uni work…

It is necessary sometimes to work through things like this though, and write down plans and solutions for the things that aren’t going how you’d like them to go. The money issue has been worrying me for months, but I’ve not actually sat down and done anything about it until today! It’s good to go through these things with someone else, because they will often have a solution that you wouldn’t have thought of, because you were too focused on the issue itself to even think about a practical solution. Or maybe that’s just me, because I’ve been stressing too much recently?! Huh.

As for the uni work, I think the best thing to do would be to timetable the days when I have free-time, and do a rigid plan for those days, with no space for procrastination. I need to be strict with myself when it comes to uni work, because I’m the only one who will tell me off and the only one who can sit myself down and force myself to get on with it. Really, I need to buck up and be firm. Forget the “thinking cap”, I need a “study cap”. That’ll do the trick!

Right, the best thing for me to do now will probably be to tidy/clean my room, because a tidy room equates to a clear mind…or so I’ve heard (I’ll let you know how that goes…) Hope you’re all having a happy Friday! (If not, then get that FRIDAY FEELING!)

New beginnings…

Well, come Saturday, I’ll be starting my next Open University course! I finished the last one, Creative Writing, at the beginning of June and I spent most of the summer pondering which course to do next…although at the back of my mind I knew that it would be the one I’ve chosen to do – Children’s Literature. It should be an interesting one…fingers crossed. The course material arrived a week or so ago but I had yet to open the package, til now that is. I was reluctant to open it for some reason, probably because I was slightly nervous at the prospect of another year’s study.

I’m pleased to say though, that I’m pleasantly happy with what the package contained It includes: a study guide that takes you through the course week by week, which contains all the activities you need to complete and also some reading extracts that accompany the activities; two study books to go along with the study guide; two DVDs containing “a variety of audiovisual material including performances of children’s literature, and interviews with children, authors and publishers” (may need to get some help with these as I’m unsure if they’ll have subtitles or not…); a book – ‘Peter Pan and Other Plays’ by J.M.Barrie; and a course guide, which explains each part of the course. Phew! It all looks pretty exciting though and I’m genuinely looking forward to starting now, whereas before I was feeling a mixture of trepidation and nervousness! Silly me.

I’m hoping that I’ll enjoy this course, as the last one began to stifle me a bit. I do enjoy writing but I’ve learnt that I prefer to do it by myself and keep it to myself, rather than writing something that I know has to be marked at the end…for me it blocked my creativity a little. It was the first time that I had my creative writing analysed and thoroughly marked – before that it was only at GCSE level at secondary school and the marking system isn’t as tough as it is at University level, obviously! I’m guessing that the Children’s Literature course will mainly be built upon analysing books and poetry aimed at children, and looking at how it can aid their development, whilst also studying the history of children’s literature and how it has evolved. Uh huh, I think I’m definitely looking forward to this one.

About two weeks ago, I finally got started on my way to achieving my Level 2 in BSL (British Sign Language). I’ve been talking about it for quite a few years but have never gotten started. I did try when I was in my last year at secondary school but the GCSE exams got in the way and took all my attention. For me, it’s mainly a case of honing my signing and polishing it ready for the exams. There’s three exams in total, each one different from the other. The first exam involves watching a video of someone signing a story in BSL, and at intervals they will pause the story and ask you four questions about the story – all in BSL of course – and then you have to mark your answer on a sheet of paper with multi-choice answers. The point of this exam is to remember the details from the story, such as remembering which pocket the person took their phone out of – either their shirt pocket or the pocket in their jeans – which will prove to the examiner that you can process BSL correctly and hold the information that you’ve been given. There’s no signing from you in this exam, it’s just a video/paper exam. We’ll be sitting the first exam in mid December so we’ve still got time to practice and scrub the memory sections of our brains! Eeek.

I’ve been looking into becoming a Level 1 BSL tutor again…and it’s not quite as confusing as I thought it was. Basically, if you’re going to be teaching post-16 level, you just need to be a qualified teacher but not in the sense that you need to get a PGCE and all that. Which was the confusing bit. You just need to get an award called ‘Preparing to Teach in the Lifelong Learning Sector’, PTLLS for short and then you have to get another qualification that is suited to the role you’ll be undertaking. Then you’ll need to be fluent/knowledgeable in the subject area you’ll be teaching, in my case, Level 1 BSL. I’m not sure how long it’ll take to be fully trained but I’m just relieved that it’s not quite as complicated as it seemed when I researched it before. For now it’s a possible option…watch this space!

I think new beginnings can be scary, but once you’ve taken those first few steps, the scaryness starts to fall away and you can tread your path confidently. Just got to take those first few steps.

Can your passion be your work?

You know how it goes: you have a hobby/passion and you do it as your living but you end up hating it. I’ve always felt this way about photography; certain people have told me that I should just go for it…whilst others have told me that I shouldn’t pursue photography as a career because then I wouldn’t enjoy it anymore. I’m not sure how I feel about the whole thing, to be honest. I look at professional photographers, and for the most part, they seem extremely passionate about photography – they don’t treat it as a “job” as such, they’re just making money out of their passion, really. So why do I feel this way?

There are some opinions that I respect – the people who know me best and generally understand what I want out of life. However, I know that I need to try things out for myself, make my own judgements about things. How will I know that I’ll “end up hating photography” if I don’t actually try it out? I get the impression that if you’re a free-launch photographer, you can photograph anything you like and then sell the photographs in some way or another? Or maybe I’m being naive? I’m just starting to feel though, that life is TOO SHORT. Why spend your life in a career that only brings you money but no happiness? Sure, if your work is your passion, then yes, you’ll still have those funny old days, but surely the fact that you’ve managed to make your passion into your job will bring you some joy, will it not? I’m confused about the whole thing.

I wish there was some way of knowing if something will work out or not; but then again, if this was the case, there would be no point in life because you have to learn things as you go along, you have to make use of trail and error to work some things out. The point I’m trying to make, is that if we knew how everything would go, we probably wouldn’t get much out of life because everything would be predetermined, in a way.

How will we ever know the answer to certain things if we don’t actually try it out? It’s life-altering to take that jump, but, being optimistic, I believe that once you take that jump, you’ll feel happier for it because you can rest in the knowledge that you’re leading your life in the best way you can. Leaving University last year was a jump…but it was a jump into the darkness in some respects because I didn’t know what I wanted to do next, I still don’t. Although I am studying still, I haven’t got a long-term view of what I want to do. I play with ideas every now and then but nothing really calls out to me.

I’m scared to contemplate photography as a career because it would be difficult – you need that special, wow-factor to be able to be a success. I guess, I’m a bit scared of some people’s reactions too. Some people are far too judgemental. In fact, I think I’m too critical of MYSELF. I just don’t know where to start sometimes.

P.S. Sorry for all these “confused” blog posts today…you can’t help feeling this way sometimes.

One foot forward…

How do we put one foot forward in this world? I find myself confused, again. It’s strange, because realistically, I know there are probably many lines of work I could go into…but I’m not seeing the options very clearly right now. All I can see is a life-time of work…until the age of 60/65, when we retire. I’m starting to wonder, what’s the point of education (further education), if it isn’t relevant to the work you do? It’s as if employers want to have evidence that you’re “clever”…but it doesn’t really matter what subject you’ve graduated in! And they also want you to have “previous experience”…well, how will we get that experience if every place wants you to have experience?! The world of work seems to be a confusing one…and I’ve yet to join the job-hunt yet!

Sure, I’m doing voluntary work, but I don’t think I want to go into teaching. Maybe that’s what “experience” is though? Voluntary work? If you can’t get an actual foot on the career ladder, maybe the first step is to do voluntary work…? I’m not sure.

I feel like I’m a “free-spirit”…and I’m not sure how I will feel once I settle down into a daily, 9-5 kind of job. I get the feeling that I wouldn’t enjoy it, unless it was something creative, something different, challenging…but really, what is out there?! From watching my sister getting more and more disheartened, it’s making me wonder and worry about looking for a job myself. I’m wondering what the world of work has to offer.

I know that the WORLD has a lot to offer, it has an amazing amount to offer…but does it offer it through work? The state of society, of commercialism, worries me. I’m trying to judge what society’s attitudes towards deafness is, in our day and age. Will I have to put up a fight to get where I want to be? Will it be a constant struggle? Or will I be lucky enough to find a group of people to work with who are accepting, who are deaf-aware? I know one thing though, I won’t find out the answers to any of those questions until I put myself out there.

On the other hand, maybe I should look at the world of work as an adventure? It’s a new path to go down; and for the most part, you are in control – nothing is compulsory until you enter into a job. You can pick the job. If that makes sense?!

And now…I think I shall start the hunt…wish me luck… I shall blog about what I find!

Debatable…

This may sound very strange to some…but I miss essay-writing! There’s just something about debating on paper, putting forward your argument and trying to see other points of view…then rounding it all off with a conclusion…yeah, I miss it. It was a chance to flex those hands and put my thinking cap on. I liked the sense of satisfaction when I had finished an essay and I was proud of it – you know, those ones that you work really hard on and then end up pleased with the results.

Facebook has brought this on I think! A lot of my friends are currently writing essays…many of them! However, although I said I miss essay-writing, I don’t miss the deadlines! The deadlines are the stuff that make you panic…the stuff that make you cram in and over-work yourself…just so you don’t miss the deadline!

Essays…I miss. Deadlines…I do not.

When I grow up…(pt. 2!)

Right then, the other day I did a post entitled “When I grow up…”…and now I shall lead on from that topic with a new response! On Thursday and Friday, I worked at the Primary school…and the result wasn’t exactly what I was expecting!! I thought it would be challenging but I found myself feeling differently.

I was working in the Reception (ages 4-5), and it’s the first year of school. Some say that this year is the hardest to teach because you’re helping them to get started on their academic life; it’s the first step, you learn to count, you learn the alphabet…you learn through play. Play. Maybe that’s the problem?! Because a lot of the time, it just felt like I was “supervising” their play. I know this probably sounds quite rude, but it was just too boring for me. Maybe I should give it a few more weeks, because it is early days and I need to build up a relationship with the children, but I just find myself thinking that maybe I spoke too soon about wanting to be a ToD?

My earlier doubts about whether it’s something I want to do could be ringing true here. I’m a very creative person – I love writing, photography, art…but I’m also the kind of person who gets bored quite quickly, I need to have variety in life, in jobs, so that I always keep an interest in what I’m doing. I was one of those kids who used to watch Art Attack on TV…start making the projects and then rarely finish them! That’s not to say I won’t stick something out and finish the job in question; I just need a lot of stimulation I guess. Right now, it feels a bit like I’m back at square one: trying to figure out what I want to do in the future in terms of careers.

I just think, and I’ve said this before, my generation is a very confused one. We don’t actually know WHAT we want, unless we’ve decided on something and follow it until we’ve achieved it…if that makes sense? Some people just find what they want to do early on and keep on with it. Others, well, it’s more difficult. Part of the problem could be that there’s so much on offer out there, there are so many different career paths to go into…but which one to go into is the more difficult decision! For most people, they have career advisers at school, or “options” advisers…and they help you to a certain point, they help you decide what you want to do after GCSEs…after A-Levels…but then you’re on your own. Or, that’s what it feels like. Sure, you can go to centres (like Connexions) that can advise you; but how many of us actually go? How many of us actually seek out the help when we need it? I don’t know, maybe a lot of people do, but most of the people I know don’t. They try to figure it out themselves. Like I’m doing right now.

I’m okay, I’ve got my course, I’m volunteering…I’ve got my family, friends, the boy… All I need, I’ve got. But the one thing I want is an aim. I don’t like going through the days aimlessly, without an ultimate goal. Perhaps I’ll change my mind? Maybe I’ll decide in a few weeks time that I do actually want to be a ToD…? But right now it doesn’t look very promising. I don’t know; maybe I COULD be a writer…but I’m quite critical of my own work, I don’t have very much confidence in my writing sometimes. I’m not confident enough to say “Actually, maybe I could be a professional writer.” To be a writer, you need to be inspired to write; sometimes I don’t have that inspiration. I have the inspiration to take photographs, I love to capture the world around me, I love capturing moments in time so that you can keep them forever; but when it comes to writing, I need a bit more of a push to get going at times. Maybe I should just try to do some free-writes every day, as I find that normally helps to get my creative juices flowing.

I think some people just have a calling, they have something that they feel they are destined to do. Some people have many callings. The other day my mum said to me that the young generation of today, on average they’ll go through about 15 different jobs/careers in their lives. In today’s society, maybe that’s the way it is? Yes, some people will stick at one or two things throughout their lives; others may try many different things. Which do you think you fit into? For me, it may be the latter because, as I’ve said, I’m someone who gets bored if I do something for too long. I guess, for me to be fully happy, I need a job that will offer me a lot of stimulation, a lot of different things to do…something that is never the same. I thought I’d find that with children, as experience has shown me; but maybe it’s different in a school environment? I don’t know. I’m a little confused at the moment, as you can probably tell!

When I grow up…

When I grow up…

Do you remember when you were at school and the teachers used to ask you what you wanted to do “when you grow up”? At Primary school, you were likely to have an ideal of what you wanted to be…but it probably wasn’t until you got to Secondary school that you actually started to think about it seriously. I went through phases when I was at Secondary school…but in the last few years I really wanted to be a ToD (Teacher of the Deaf). However, due to bad experiences in the last year of school with the ToD who supported me, well, she put me off wanting to be one myself. I went off the whole idea of working in schools, of how formal it is…and how, unless you’re one of those teachers that everyone loves, it would make you into a serious kind of person…and I didn’t think that would be “me”.

However, since I do actually want to work with deaf children, one way or another, I’ve changed my mind. On Friday, I had a meeting at a Primary school that has a HIU (Hearing Impaired Unit), about the possibility of me working there for a day or two every week (voluntary). Luckily, it all went well and I start tomorrow (eeeek!). However, when I was there, the lady I met with suggested that I train to become a teacher after I graduate…not through the PGCE (Post Graduate Certificate in Education) scheme but instead through the GTP (Graduate Teaching Programme)… With the PGCE route, you’d mainly be learning via University, with placements at random schools – at the discretion of the University – but with the GTP route, you’d be training on site at the school. The way it works is: it’s one year long, in the first term you’ll teach a class for 20% of the time, in the second term you’ll teach for 50% of the time and in the third term you’ll teach for 80% of the time…and at the end of it, you’ll be a qualified teacher. Obviously, you have to be a graduate, but it means that you can train to be a teacher through hands-on experience in the classroom.

I worked out the other day, that because I’m studying part time, after I’ve finished this year (in June), I’ll still have another 3 years to go until I graduate with a degree…! Normally, if you’re studying full-time, you have to get 120 credits each year for three years to make up a 360 credits Bachelors Degree – I already have the 120 credits for the one year I did last year…so hopefully I’ll be able to transfer them… The course I’m doing with the Open University is only 60 credits per year because I’m doing it part time.

Sometimes, when I look to the future, I kind of wish I was graduating next year…which would’ve happened if I had continued studying full-time…but then I think about it and the fact that I’m studying part-time has opened up more doors for me and allowed me to be free, in a way. I can now do all the things I couldn’t do whilst studying full-time…I can now take photographs to my heart’s content, I can read as many books as I like, I can do random craft projects here and there…I actually have time to blog! I guess, the course I was doing before was just too demanding, both physically and academically. During the day, we were expected to do practical work (drama…) and in the evenings, rather than relaxing, we had log-books to write, essays to do…it just didn’t seem to end. I had looked forward to joining the photography society but didn’t have the time for it…in a lot of ways, the University experience was more of a let-down than the best time of my life – if it was the best time of my life, I would’ve stayed!

So whilst I had originally rejected the idea of becoming a ToD…I am now rather looking forward to it! After doing the GTP, I’d have to do a year or two of ToD training to become a qualified Teacher of the Deaf…I’d much rather be helping deaf children to reach their potential than teaching a class full of children! I just feel that my own experiences as a deaf person will help me to relate to the deaf children’s experiences, I’ll be able to support them with the knowledge of what it’s really like…and I will NEVER, ever, stereotype a deaf child…each deaf child is an individual, with their own needs; one of the worst things is when someone casts you off into the crowd and doesn’t look at your own specific needs. This is what happened when I started A-Levels…I needed support in class, in the form of a note-taker, but the ToD who run the HIU told me: “You’re old enough now, you need to be more responsible…you can take your own notes in class.” I really don’t see how that would’ve been possible, since I can’t lipread and take notes at the same time. Honestly, some people aren’t worthy of the titles they are given!

I just feel that if I were to become a ToD…I could make a real difference. It’s not about me, it’s about changing the life of others. I want to make sure everyone has the chance to shine. I want to make the world a better place for the future generations of deaf children so that they don’t have to go through all the struggles that deaf adults of today have had to go through. It’s been changing, in baby-steps…and we need to keep that change going. I want to be a contributor to that change, I guess.