A Little Road Trip; Instagram Style.

As you probably already know, from my last post, the boy and I took a little trip to Brighton on Sunday. Here are the little glimpses into our day, via Instagram.

The last three days have been busy and hectic, with Handprint. Tuesday and Wednesday, we rehearsed, rehearsed, rehearsed. Today, we rose early, met at 6.45am, and I drove us all to Reading. We set up, got into costumes, and performed…and then relaxed. Watched the rain fall. Packed up. Then I drove us all back to London. Long, tiring day, but it was good. My Facebook status: “Laughing uncontrollably on the last leg of the drive home definitely means I’m tired, and all the nerves have finally tumbled out! Not sure if that Starbucks coffee did me good or bad?! Either way, good day. Happy times.” It was a good day. But I am happy to be home. I still haven’t caught up with all the photo editing, or my thoughts, but by the weekend, proper blogging will hopefully resume. Whatever “proper blogging” means?! I sincerely hope that you have all been having a good week, and I hope you have laughed, whether prompted, or not…like me. Seriously! I just suddenly started laughing, to the point of tears, and I think I worried the other two in the car with me…oh well, we didn’t crash, and that’s the main thing, right? Happy Thursday, big hugs.

365: Day 77

At work on Saturday, I was set the task of sharpening a bag of pencils…and I relished the task, because there were many, many colours. If half of the name of this blog is anything to go by…I love rainbows, and I love every colour of the rainbow…I was kept happily occupied for at least half an hour! I can sharpen a rainbow…

Unfamiliar

Lately, there have been many thoughts rushing through my mind. Different thoughts. Things that I am not used to. They’re not always bad thoughts, just…unfamiliar. Things have been different recently; different good, and different bad. The good: lots of work projects, working with great people, feeling close to the boy, things slotting into place. The bad: detachment from special people, feeling lonely, bad luck hitting those I love. We all know that there is a gentle balance in life, a balance between the good and the bad, and it is down to us how much the bad things take a grip on our lives, it is down to us to pick ourselves up and carry on. This last week has been like that. The last few weeks, even.

At times, I don’t always know who to talk to anymore. Or, rather, the people who were the ones I would always talk to…don’t seem to be here. Sure, one of my closest friends happens to be far away, in India right now…! I miss her. I miss the talks we would have on Facebook, I miss getting notifications from her. Being deaf, I have to find different ways to connect to the people in my life; so although I’ve not always been the greatest fan of Facebook (I went AWOL for half of last year!), it is a great way to keep in touch with some people in your life. So, I am already missing one friend, and when one person is missing, it’s like a chair leg disappearing. Another close friend refers to her friends as her chair legs; she has four, good, constant friends, and they are all her life support, in a way, and, sorry Lizzie, I like stealing that metaphor! Attempting to go through these new adventures in my life, without one of my chair legs? It’s hard. There is so much I want to tell her, so much I want to share…I want to see what she will say…I want to be excited with her. But I also hope that she is having some great adventures of her own in India.

It is unfortunate that another of my chair legs is missing at the moment. Life gets busy. I know that full well. But sometimes it’s good to share that with your friends, to release the burden, to laugh. That is essential. And, right now, that is missing from my life. So, my four chair legs (more or less) are down to two. I am seeing the original chair leg (ha, get it…if you make the metaphor, you are the original…sorry, sorry, not that funny…?) tonight, so maybe I’ll be able to borrow some good words from her. Lizzie is the friend who always seems to be a little older, a little wiser, even though she is only around 6 months older than me. Perhaps it’s because she’s one of my only friends who went away from home for University? When you’re away from home, your experiences shape you, and sometimes you have to grow up a little quicker. That’s not to say that we don’t still have moments when we’re together…when we can be kids again! Just, I know that if I talk to her about anything…more often than not, she will have words of wisdom to make it seem right again. It’s good to have a friend like that. It was Lizzie who told me, when I was being indecisive about staying at Uni, or leaving, to do what would make me happy, because it’s my life. I remember reading that text. I read it in Manchester, in July 2009. It helped. It made me smile.

The boy has said that this week, he has really learnt to value the people in his life. He appreciates all that they do for him. The people we surround ourselves with, well, they are the ones who keep us going. They know what to say. They know what to do. They know how to make you smile again. That’s important, and that is why I feel quite sad, inside, that I can’t do that for some people at the moment. It never does good, in life, to focus too much on yourself, on your own problems, on your own little world, because you’re then forgetting about the other people in your life…and when people genuinely want to be there for you, when they want to be in your life…why shut them out? It will only make you lonely, sad. Friends help to lighten the load on your shoulders, they have the right words (most of the time), they have the perfect ingredients to make you smile, laugh, cry, even. It’s good to cry sometimes. If you’re reading this, I miss you, tiger.

I have been smiling. I have been keeping busy. I have been doing what I love, and loving what I do. I have a feeling that I am going in the right direction. So, even though it may seem unfamiliar…that’s okay. The things that aren’t quite right in my life right now, well, I’m sure that with a few cups of tea, they can be right again. I just don’t know when those cups of tea will be made. Not right now. Soon, I hope. But…for now…I have a (fake) sunflower, pretty pictures, quotes, teacups with candles in them, spider-diagrams, to-do lists, and my own cup of tea…and it’s all in the comfort of my own room. I will make today productive. This will be a good day. My advice to you? Go in an unfamiliar direction, and make it sparkle.

365: Day 72

Planning workshops with Handprint is a lot of fun. It’s a bit like creating our own shade of paint colour; we have a big mixing pot, and people all add their own colours to the mix, and at the end, we have just the right colour for the final workshop. Monday was a “Planning Day”, ready for the workshops on Wednesday…

Are money and success good friends?

This morning was a bit of an interesting one. It began well, and I was settling in to start off the things I had to do today. But then a conversation began, or, rather, a bit of a debate, if you like. I believe that in order to get success, a lot of work has to be done behind the scenes first, and this is often work that is not seen by others, but you know, more often than not, that if something or someone is successful, then a hell of a lot of work must have gone on beforehand. Why can’t some people see that? Just because someone may be sat at a computer, it doesn’t mean that they’re not creating wonderful things – a computer has almost become an accomplice for people who are starting a business. Sure, you can create and start a business without a computer, but then, with a computer, you can do so much.

The main sticking point though, was money. Isn’t it always? Right now, we’re at the beginning of the journey with the business (we had started before, but it was always a bit stop and start, so now we’re completely starting again from scratch), which means that, of course, there’s not a lot of money around. However, I’m not completely sure if success equates to lots of money. You could be a really good photographer, take lots of amazing photographs, and yet, you’re not filthy rich…but that doesn’t mean you’re not successful. There may be periods of times when you’re having to scrape your pennies together to get by, and other times when you can afford to treat yourself; it’s a bit like life, it goes up and down, and you’ve just got to learn to be creative in times when things aren’t that great. The same can be said of money, I think. When you’ve not got a lot of money, you just have to get creative and think of ways to make it stretch a bit further; really, not having much money is good in some ways, because it forces you to think outside of the box and appreciate those times when you do have money. So, what do you think? Does money mean that you’ve reached the point when you can call yourself successful?

Whilst it can’t always be seen, I think hard work comes in many forms. But every form of hard work is, just that, hard work, so you should never attempt to belittle someone just because it doesn’t appear that they’ve done any good work; you don’t see everything. Just because when you look at someone, they’re having a relaxing moment with a cup of tea, it doesn’t mean that they hadn’t spent hours working their butt off earlier. And if someone is treating themself to something whilst they’re out shopping, well, who’s to say they haven’t worked hard for that money, and deserve a bit of a treat? That’s just the thing, we don’t see everything, we can’t see everything, we don’t know everything, and we should not make assumptions. Assumptions don’t always turn out to be true, no matter how right we think we were when we were making them. So, instead, why can’t we just focus on supporting one another, and spurring each other on? We’d be much more productive if we were using our words in encouragement, rather than judgement.

The next time you’re thinking bad of someone, or something, stop yourself and challenge yourself to think good thoughts and, if you can, offer some good words, because you never know, someone might just need it.

Hate it when you’re low…

I’ve always been someone who hates to see others low, upset, depressed or feeling sorry for themselves. If I pass someone who looks really down in the street, I try to catch their eye and throw a smile at them. It just seems to tug on my heart-strings when people are down and blue. Which just makes it worse when its people who are close to me.

The boy is unhappy in his job, and it’s really getting him down. Ideally, he should be training to be an electrician (he’s always been one of those who loves to fiddle with things and constantly tries to work out how technical things work) and working part-time in a job that isn’t all that demanding. That’s the ideal. The reality is that he’s stuck in a job that demands too much for him and pays far too little for the work he does. On paper, the job seems great, because he’s working for a company that you can work your way up in. He’s currently number 3 out of 5 – and in that I mean he’s worked up to the position that is 3rd from the top in the branch. (It’s an electrical wholesale company, with many branches across the UK, so in the branch there’s about 5 jobs: the driver/delivery man, store assistant, assistant manager, sales rep and branch manager – the boy is the assistant manager.) But the workload is too heavy, no paid overtime (and he works a lot of hours outside what is required of him), back-stabbing from the sales rep and branch manager…ah the list could go on but its far too depressing! So in short, he hates his job, he’s depressed by the end of the working day and he feels like there’s no escape. Pretty shit.

The thing is, a lot of people get themselves into situations like this and it is a huge struggle to get out of the rut. You’re working, you need the money…so many different reasons for not getting up and quitting. But he needs to leave this job, he’s been unhappy for so long and it’s affecting other areas of his life: his confidence has dropped, he’s not his normal happy self, he doesn’t see much of his friends anymore, he’s constantly worked up about money…it’s just shit. Which is why I’ve been helping him to polish his CV, research training courses…keep him optimistic – because the other thing is that he’s a bad pessimist, never a good thing in times like these. Hopefully that happy, cheeky spark will shine in his eyes again soon…

Yeah, I just hate it when those I love are low. Sometimes I feel like I can really resonate with them though, because I’ve been caught in the throes of depression a few times and I know that at the end of the day, it’s you, and only you, who can pull yourself out of it. So whilst I’m trying all I can to help the boy, at the end of the day, it is only him who can make himself feel better…and I think he knows that really. The last few years have taught me that if you’re down in the dumps…pick yourself up and change the direction of your life. There is no point in staying low for too long if you can do something to change it. Therefore, if you’re not happy with something, change it. And I know that it is always easier said than done. It takes a LOT of courage and bravery to change something, especially if its something that could change the course of your life…but once you’ve made the change, a whole big weight gets lifted from your shoulders and the sun seems to be shinning again. I only wish there was more support out there, especially for people who are low and depressed. Sometimes, it ends in the wrong way. The saddest way. I guess it can get too much and it seems like the only way out is to leave this world; but it doesn’t have to be that way. Our society makes me so angry sometimes.

Hmmm, this is turning into a dark post…think I’m just in a very contemplative mood this afternoon. Hey, ho, my motto…as always…life is much too important to be taken seriously. I reckon I could’ve been good friends with good ol’ Mister Wilde.

Can your passion be your work?

You know how it goes: you have a hobby/passion and you do it as your living but you end up hating it. I’ve always felt this way about photography; certain people have told me that I should just go for it…whilst others have told me that I shouldn’t pursue photography as a career because then I wouldn’t enjoy it anymore. I’m not sure how I feel about the whole thing, to be honest. I look at professional photographers, and for the most part, they seem extremely passionate about photography – they don’t treat it as a “job” as such, they’re just making money out of their passion, really. So why do I feel this way?

There are some opinions that I respect – the people who know me best and generally understand what I want out of life. However, I know that I need to try things out for myself, make my own judgements about things. How will I know that I’ll “end up hating photography” if I don’t actually try it out? I get the impression that if you’re a free-launch photographer, you can photograph anything you like and then sell the photographs in some way or another? Or maybe I’m being naive? I’m just starting to feel though, that life is TOO SHORT. Why spend your life in a career that only brings you money but no happiness? Sure, if your work is your passion, then yes, you’ll still have those funny old days, but surely the fact that you’ve managed to make your passion into your job will bring you some joy, will it not? I’m confused about the whole thing.

I wish there was some way of knowing if something will work out or not; but then again, if this was the case, there would be no point in life because you have to learn things as you go along, you have to make use of trail and error to work some things out. The point I’m trying to make, is that if we knew how everything would go, we probably wouldn’t get much out of life because everything would be predetermined, in a way.

How will we ever know the answer to certain things if we don’t actually try it out? It’s life-altering to take that jump, but, being optimistic, I believe that once you take that jump, you’ll feel happier for it because you can rest in the knowledge that you’re leading your life in the best way you can. Leaving University last year was a jump…but it was a jump into the darkness in some respects because I didn’t know what I wanted to do next, I still don’t. Although I am studying still, I haven’t got a long-term view of what I want to do. I play with ideas every now and then but nothing really calls out to me.

I’m scared to contemplate photography as a career because it would be difficult – you need that special, wow-factor to be able to be a success. I guess, I’m a bit scared of some people’s reactions too. Some people are far too judgemental. In fact, I think I’m too critical of MYSELF. I just don’t know where to start sometimes.

P.S. Sorry for all these “confused” blog posts today…you can’t help feeling this way sometimes.

Bemused…

Gosh! I didn’t think it would be that tough! I’ve spent the last couple of hours looking through websites on jobs relating to the deaf sector…and not a lot has come out of it. I was planning on becoming a Level 1 BSL (British Sign Language) tutor…but it seems that you need to be a qualified teacher…and that I’m not! To a certain extent, yes, I can understand the need for qualifications if you want to go forward for a job – you need to be able to understand what you need to do. But, at the same time, it creates road-blocks. It’s one thing after another. If it’s not experience you need, it’s qualifications. Where are you meant to start. I can definitely relate to Cats and Chocolate right now. I’m guessing a lot of people feel like this and it sucks.

One foot forward…

How do we put one foot forward in this world? I find myself confused, again. It’s strange, because realistically, I know there are probably many lines of work I could go into…but I’m not seeing the options very clearly right now. All I can see is a life-time of work…until the age of 60/65, when we retire. I’m starting to wonder, what’s the point of education (further education), if it isn’t relevant to the work you do? It’s as if employers want to have evidence that you’re “clever”…but it doesn’t really matter what subject you’ve graduated in! And they also want you to have “previous experience”…well, how will we get that experience if every place wants you to have experience?! The world of work seems to be a confusing one…and I’ve yet to join the job-hunt yet!

Sure, I’m doing voluntary work, but I don’t think I want to go into teaching. Maybe that’s what “experience” is though? Voluntary work? If you can’t get an actual foot on the career ladder, maybe the first step is to do voluntary work…? I’m not sure.

I feel like I’m a “free-spirit”…and I’m not sure how I will feel once I settle down into a daily, 9-5 kind of job. I get the feeling that I wouldn’t enjoy it, unless it was something creative, something different, challenging…but really, what is out there?! From watching my sister getting more and more disheartened, it’s making me wonder and worry about looking for a job myself. I’m wondering what the world of work has to offer.

I know that the WORLD has a lot to offer, it has an amazing amount to offer…but does it offer it through work? The state of society, of commercialism, worries me. I’m trying to judge what society’s attitudes towards deafness is, in our day and age. Will I have to put up a fight to get where I want to be? Will it be a constant struggle? Or will I be lucky enough to find a group of people to work with who are accepting, who are deaf-aware? I know one thing though, I won’t find out the answers to any of those questions until I put myself out there.

On the other hand, maybe I should look at the world of work as an adventure? It’s a new path to go down; and for the most part, you are in control – nothing is compulsory until you enter into a job. You can pick the job. If that makes sense?!

And now…I think I shall start the hunt…wish me luck… I shall blog about what I find!