You Don’t Need to Fix It.

I’ve been thinking of this for a while now, and over the last couple of days, it has been bubbling within me. On Tuesday night, I watched Rita Simons: My Daughter, Deafness and Me on BBC1. I had been looking forward to it, as my friend Lizzie had texted me about it being on TV, and my mum had been talking to someone else about it during the day too. Tuesday night arrived, I settled down with my mum and sister…and all started well. Rita’s daughter has a progressive hearing loss, which means that (like me), her hearing will most likely deteriorate as the years go on. To start with, I understood the heartbreak that they were experiencing, and could understand why they were looking for alternate ways to help their daughter. However, as the programme went on, I felt more and more irritated and appalled at Rita’s attitude. The way the programme was filmed was awful, in the end, too. Why? Well, bear with me.

Don’t get me wrong, it started well. Where it began to go wrong, though, was when Rita began to meet other Deaf people – and I mean Deaf with a capital D. (For those who don’t know, that means deaf people who are full signers, who are often enveloped within the Deaf Community and Culture.) Her attitude became quite defensive, as she spoke about how they were bringing up their daughter orally, mainstreaming her at school, and were researching cochlear implants. That would all be fine. But when she broached on the topic of cochlear implants, which, amongst D/deaf people can be an extremely controversial and sensitive subject, she became very offensive. One of the Deaf people she met suggested that, in her eyes, cochlear implanting a young child is like a form of abuse. Okay, so maybe that was quite an offensive thing to suggest, but the thing is, that was just her view, and she was not in any way suggesting that that is the only way to think about cochlear implants. However, Rita took offence by it, and began to enter into a debate about something that she really oughtn’t have, since it was apparent that she didn’t really understand why Deaf people feel the way they do.

What angered me more was the fact that the BBC didn’t feel the need to diverge further into this; the fact that they cut off the filming of that debate, just as it was getting interesting, it annoyed me. It painted a bleak picture of the Deaf Community, and made Deaf (and deaf) people look like evil, soulless creatures who are very anti-hearing. That is not the case, at all. The programme just went downhill after that. In the end, Rita said that she was in favour of cochlear implants “100 percent”, and that that would be the route they are going to go down. Although her husband had a bit more sense about him, (he actually went to listen to simulations of what speech and music sounds like with a cochlear implant) I have a bad feeling that they will end up implanting their daughter and cutting her off from the Deaf world. Not in a bad way, because I am not against cochlear implants, but in the sense that they, especially Rita, seemed to turn against D/deaf people, and wanted her daughter to be “normal”.

In a world that is supposedly becoming more and more accepting of differences, and disabilities, this attitude stunned me. It made me feel shit about myself. It made me feel like there are many, many people out there who think that deafness is something that needs to be fixed. In this day and age, with technological advancements, yes, I can understand that people want to use those advancements to help each other. However, what I will not, and never will accept, is the way that hearing people (sorry to generalise here, I know that there are many who are absolutely, 100 percent on the side of D/deaf people) feel the need to go around fixing poor little deaf people’s ears, curing them of deafness and taking away any sense of deafhood in those people. I’ve got news for you all; deafness cannot be fixed. It cannot be cured. Do you know why? Because just by implanting a young child, just by putting hearing aids in their ears, just by sending them to hours and hours of speech therapy…it does not, and never will, make them hearing.

My parents were in the exact same situation as Rita and her husband, except, maybe, it was slightly worse. They got a double whammy dosage of “bad” news. Both my sister and I were diagnosed as being deaf at the same time. She was 6 years old, I was 2 years old. My mum has told me, in the past, that it was heartbreaking. She felt so confused, so lost. Her beautiful children, both of them, had damaged ears. What she didn’t know, back then, was that our deafness would in no way hinder our lives, or stop us from achieving whatever we want in life. The only thing that would hold us back would be the ignorance of people who are not accepting of differences. All of this may sound harsh, it may sound bleak, but it’s the way it is. There are many people out there who may see deafness as something that needs to be fixed. They may think that being hearing is the only way to be, and, oh golly, we can’t have people going around not hearing things, can we?! Seriously? Are you kidding me? I know how hard it is. Being deaf is both a blessing and a curse. Having a progressive hearing loss sucks, honest, it does. But I would much rather be deaf, than hearing, quite frankly.

Some who are reading this will probably be thinking I am mad. But, really, I’m not. I am glad to be deaf, because it has made me who I am today, it has meant that I’ve met some truly amazing, inspirational people, people I would not have been exposed to otherwise. Some of my friends are wonderful, and they are hearing. I have a whole other handful of friends who are D/deaf. It makes no difference. With the D/deaf friends, I can relate, I can be on the same wavelength in terms of experiences and our day to day lives. With the hearing friends, I can experience the hearing world, I can hear (yes, hear, wow!) their stories from their lives. Being deaf hasn’t stopped me from setting out to achieve my dreams. Last year, I lost a lot of my hearing. It was hard, and it was really, really painful. I was suffering for a long time, not in physical pain, but mentally. It hurt. To get used to one level of hearing, and then to have that hearing taken away from you, and to have to adjust to a whole new level of hearing…it’s tough. I won’t lie. But, still, I am happy to be deaf. I feel a sense of pride, of belonging, and all because of the things that Deaf and deaf people have achieved throughout history. The things they are still achieving today. I feel proud. I feel a sense of belonging that many hearing people do not have; I have a community, even if I don’t always join it. I have a foot in both worlds, the Hearing World, and the Deaf World, and I have my own world too – I have the world that is in between the two, a world in which I can be with just me, and watch both hearing people and Deaf people, my own, comfortable world.

I have no regrets. I am who I am today because of everything, and I mean every single little thing, that I have been through in my life. Heartbreak, natural highs, academic achievements, being on the stage, making life-changing decisions, enjoying the little things in life, as well as the big things; all of it, it makes up who I am. I love my parents so very much; they are both hearing, and they surrounded both my sister and I with love. My mum was the confidante that I would always go to with tears in my eyes, because I suffered so much, growing up, and had to accept how different my deafness made me from my hearing peers. I can’t even imagine how strong she had to be, to listen to me and not break down herself. My dad was always there to have a giggle with, to be goofy with. Then, as I grew up, I became closer to my sister. We have something special that bonds us; our deafness. It’s special, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Of course, there will always, always be obstacles and hurdles to overcome, but I have the right people around me, I am living in the right time period, to be able to get over any of it, to overcome it all. We are strong. Deaf people are not weak, they are not damaged, and they do not, ever, ever, need fixing. You don’t fix what is not broken. Rita ended with: “I cannot fathom for the life of me – and I’ve tried – if sound is on offer why you wouldn’t use it.” I end on a high. I am happy with what I hear; I miss the hearing I had, I miss hearing music naturally, I miss hearing the boy’s heartbeat…but I am content with what I can currently hear through hearing aids. No way do I want to hear music without the melody, to miss out on all those beautiful notes. Sure, it doesn’t even sound the same with hearing aids, but I’m getting there. I don’t want it to just become “noise”, which is what it would be with a cochlear implant, but that’s a whole other post…and I’m running short on time now. I’ve been ranting for a while. It’s clear now, and I am feeling happier now that I’ve put this all into words. Rita, as lovely as you may be, please, please reassess your stance, because you offended a great amount of Deaf and deaf people on Tuesday.

Me? I’m happy. I hope you are too.

Spaces.

Last night, I went to a Deaf event in London. I don’t go to many, so whenever I do, I sometimes come away with mixed feelings. Now, I’m sure that if I were to immerse myself more in the Deaf community, I would lose some of these feelings, but the thing is, I like having the best of both worlds, and that means being oral for the most part and signing when I need/want to. Last night was completely BSL; everyone, and I  mean everyone, was signing; everywhere you looked, there’d be a conversation in BSL. It was lovely, and I love going to places like this, because it takes the effort off, you don’t need to focus so much on lipreading (although it does play a role in BSL), and it is just, quite simple, a lovely way to communicate with people. It’s so expressive and open.

However, there are certain politics that run in the Deaf community, and some of them, I don’t like. It’s just like with the hearing community; well, actually, they don’t see themselves as a community, but I’m sure that in the Deaf community, they look like one! Hearing people can (and I’m using it loosely here, as most people I meet are absolutely lovely and open to adapting the way they communicate etc) be inconsiderate sometimes; they cover their mouths when they talk, turn away from you when they’re talking, hardly move their mouths, eat whilst talking…I could go on. There are so many barriers in conversations sometimes, that it can be a bit of a nightmare. (On the other hand, there are many people who will make a huge effort to make sure you can follow them, so I’m not having a dig here…much.) So, as you’d expect, there are certain rules in the Deaf community, and if you stray from the rules, there can be a bit of eye-brow raising…

For the most part, it’s good if you can sign; if you don’t know much, just try, because a little effort is better than none at all. Even if all you know is how to fingerspell your name, and a few basic signs, it’s enough to gain the respect of a BSL-users (however, you will get the odd few who will turn their noses down at you…but it’s the same thing with hearing people turning their noses down at signers…so don’t be too offended!). If you go to a Deaf community event, and just plan on talking (orally) the whole time, don’t expect too many friendly faces. Sure, some people might talk to you, but when Deaf people go to these events, they are looking to catch up with old friends, see familiar faces, and just envelope themselves in the atmosphere. They have stepped in from the hearing world, and want to step into a world where they can understand everything; it’s not the place to create more barriers. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

There are a couple of people you’ll meet at these events who will be strange with you, even though you CAN sign, and are trying to be as friendly as you can. It could be down to the fact that they don’t know you, they know you’re oral (Deaf politics here…), just aren’t friendly themself or they just don’t take well to new people. Whatever it is, don’t let it put a hamper on your mood, just move on and talk to other people. Last year, when we went to the same event, there was a Deaf man who was this way with me…and I wasn’t expecting it. Sure, I’d encountered it in the past, but I had thought that now I was more confident with signing and I knew more, that this obstacle would be removed; all I can conclude is that it’s just like anyone else you meet, there will always be the odd few that you don’t get along with, no matter how hard you try. Definitely an “oh well” moment.

So, how do I feel? It was good to go last night, and we did see a few familiar faces, and it was lovely to meet up with someone who was in our signing class last year. The thing I love about the Deaf community is all the characters; you will find it hard to meet a whole hall full of as many expressive and vivid characters as you can in the Deaf community. It makes me feel happy, because as a deaf person myself, I can sometimes feel like some hearing people are taken aback by how expressive, and at times, over the top I am. When I talk, I use the whole of my face as well. You will see my emotions. For some hearing people, that seems to be a bit much and they shy away from continuing a conversation with me, but you know what? I LOVE meeting people who are expressive, who aren’t afraid to be themselves and go a little mad. Why hold in all that emotion when you can just let it all out in your conversations? Let it go. Let it go mad!

I occasionally get increasing fed up, irritated and frustrated when I’m in a group of hearing people, because their way of communicating is not accessible. They talk over each other, they cut into each others’ conversations, they jump from one person to the next; and for a deaf person like me, who needs to lipread, and know who is talking at what time…oh, hell, it is tough! I’m sorry to say it, but I would rather not go to these occasions, and do something else, rather than go and feel shit about not following and just end up sitting there looking pretty because I’ve gotten fed up of asking people to repeat themselves. Woe. I mean, I AM looking forward to the Christmas period…but I just know that there will be many moments like this; but at least with my own family, I have my sister in the same boat, which always helps. If we can’t follow something, and we can’t be bothered to ask what is going on…well, we’ll just go ahead and have our own little conversations and giggles. If you can’t change something, change the way you think about it. There have been quite a few times when I’ve said to my family that they need to be more deaf friendly…but I think people are so set in their ways that sometimes you just can’t do a thing…

Before, I used to feel that I was stuck in the middle of the Deaf world and the hearing world…because I was oral but didn’t always feel like I fit in with the hearing world, and yet I didn’t feel completely comfortable in the Deaf world. However, I am now starting to feel more comfortable in both worlds…but, from time to time, I do like to retreat and hide in my own little world in the middle, with just me, myself and I for company. Spaces are confusing, but when you find the spaces you like, well, that is when you can truly feel comfortable.

Lee’s BSL Songs

Right, so on YouTube, there was a really cool guy that I used to follow, Lee’s BSL Songs, and he basically made sign songs and posted the videos. He was (still is) really good, and he gained quite a reputation for his videos. People in the Deaf community would recognise him, and he started to gain a following from people all around the world!

However, YouTube, you’re asses. I’m actually really angry about this; they’ve decided that his YouTube channel was an infringement of copyright, because he used songs made by other people. Right, so, he ALWAYS gave credit to the artists, and he NEVER claimed the songs as his own, he simply translated the lyrics into BSL so that D/deaf people (and even hearing people) could follow them. His songs were so good, a great way of expressing himself and a lovely way to enjoy music and lyrics. So, why, YouTube, why have you gone and deleted such an amazing account? What’s your reasoning behind this? You’ve just pissed off hundreds (dare I even say thousands, I don’t know how many followers he had) of fans, and not to even mention the disappointment felt by Lee himself.

Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. I had posted a few of his videos on this blog before, but now you can’t see them. However, although Lee is busy with Uni work etc at the moment, he has said that it’s not the end…the songs will make a comeback in some way in the future, so all we can do is wait and see. But, YouTube, this was the only thing I followed…and you’ve taken it away. Well done. Seriously, I applause you, if you keep this up, then what does the future hold for you? People will become scared to post anything for fear of copyright infringement.

And what the hell is going on in America at the moment…all this censorship stuff?! If that bill gets passed…I don’t know what will happen. Off topic! But, if Lee reads this, know that you have supporters behind you, and when you do put your songs back out there…it will be such a happy day. Lee’s video about the whole thing is below, worth a watch.

Love it when you…

…call? Hmm, no, I think not, as I wouldn’t be able to pick the phone up to you! (I do love the song though…) My attitude towards texting has become very slack recently; and I’m sure others get a little annoyed with it. If I don’t reply in good enough time, one of my friends starts sending those texts that go along the lines of “Text meee!”, “Why aren’t you texting back?!?!” or just a long extension of my name…”Saaaaaarrrrrrraaaaaaahhhhhhh!!” It’s a little strange, because I used to be one of those people who was never far from her phone, and would often check fairly regularly to see if I had a text or what-not. It’s just that recently, I like to go about things without the little piece of technology interrupting things. Months ago, the boy would tell me to leave the phone alone…and focus more on him…and now that request doesn’t make an appearance anymore, and if it does, then it’s me asking HIM to put his phone away, as he’ll often start checking the football scores at times when I feel he shouldn’t – he did this a couple of weeks ago when we were eating out…ahem! So yeah, quite a big change there…

Maybe it came about from the fact that earlier this year I wanted a bit of quiet, and it felt as if that immediate connection to people through the internet, email, texts etc, well it felt like everything was so noisy all the time. Even if I wasn’t actually using the phone, I knew it was there, I knew that there was a chance that people were possibly contacting me in one way or another, and there was no escape from it! I remember a blog post I did earlier this year in which I wrote about the noisiness of it all, and someone commented that they often go to the park (sans phone) for a while to get away from everything, and just relax for a bit, and I could relate to that. At the time, I felt like it would be a little strange to go out without a phone, especially if I was on my own, as I wouldn’t be able to get a hold of anyone without texting them…but then there’s that sense of calm, almost like you’re going back to basics, because there was a time when we would all go out without phones…that time seems like donkeys years ago now!

Then there’s those little things that annoy me about the way people use their phones… One is when you go out for a meal with someone, and they insist on having their phone on the table…hmm? Are you not meant to be out for a meal? Does that not mean that you’re spending time with the person you’re out with? So why do you need to have your phone on the table, effectively allowing for someone else to interrupt the time you’re spending together…? And then if it does go off, then the person just needs to check it, it’s a matter of urgency…really now? How about people who keep their phones on at the cinema? And in the middle of the film, they’ll start checking their messages, casting a bright, distracting glow in the dark? Or what about if you’re at the theatre? Grrr. Grumble, grumble, grumble. Have you got any phone annoyances? Oh, one more…I hate it when you’re in a relatively quiet place, and then someone starts talking really loudly on their phone…argh.

I’ve not gone out without my phone properly before, at least not on purpose, and when I do forget my phone, there’s always that little nugget of unease at being out without a phone on me; it’s like it’s such a given now, such a normal thing to always have with you, that when it’s not with you, you can feel it and you know that something is missing. There seems to be a big dependency on it, even if you’re not using it all the time, so it really doesn’t feel right if you haven’t got it with you. I might try going out a couple of times without it, even if it is just to the park for a while…and see how it feels. It’ll probably be like one of those unplugged exercises, when you don’t use anything gadgety for however long; I’ve read a few blogs where people have done that, and the general feeling is that it relaxes you and makes you feel more in touch with the things around you, because you’re not constantly checking emails, Facebook, internet etc. People do miss it, but they also liked not being plugged in all the time and most will do it again…interesting, no?

Love it when you call text

So…

…what’s been going on? I haven’t done a proper blog post for a few days now, mainly because I feel like I haven’t really got any news, and I don’t want to moan about things any more! I’m actively trying to keep a positive outlook on things, because it’s all too easy to slip into the negative mindset. There are a few things that seem to be hanging over me, so I feel like I just want to type it all down, and get it off my mind. (Perhaps then I can be more focused on the things that need to get done – a messy room and uni work want my attention!)

The first thing is money, or rather, the lack of it! The boy had patiently sat down with me this afternoon and tried to make me a financial plan…but I got all worked up and kept snapping at him (it’s no help that both my hearing aids decided to pack in the other day, so I’m relying on lipreading…with no back-up, bloody annoying!). But now I’ve calmed myself down and I’ve looked over the notes/numbers that he jotted down, and they make sense…hmm, he’s a clever boy. The fact that money is a worry for pretty much everyone in the house at the moment, well, it makes you worry even more, I think. However, the simple fact is that it is easy to budget, and this is precisely what the boy has tried to help me with. So, I’d better give him a big, big hug the next time I see him, mustn’t I?!

Yeah, so the other day, BOTH of my hearing aids decided to stop working – brilliant! They did this back in December too, so I took them to the hospital and had to get through the festivities without my hearing aids; and now it looks as if I’m going to be living in silence for a while again. These hearing aids seem to be very temperamental! *Sigh* The thing that annoys me the most about not having working hearing aids is when it comes to lipreading, as most of it is guesswork, so having some sounds to back it up really does take the strain of lipreading away. Ugh. It’s part of the reason I decided to wear hearing aids again, last summer, as I was getting so tired, too quickly, due to having to focus so much on reading lips without the sounds. Ah boo. I wish I had some sort of hearing aid technical expertise, so that every time this happens, I can fix them myself. Humph.

The last thing is uni work. Hmm. Recently I’ve had no focus. Zilch. None at all! I’ve been going to bed, with a free day the next day, and tell myself, right, tomorrow, I must get on with some uni work… And it just doesn’t happen. There are things going on all around me, and those things win my attention. It’s pretty bad. I’m starting to think that I need more structure, more plans, so that on the days I schedule to do uni work, I actually get it done, instead of spending the day procrastinating. At this rate I’m going to end up with charts for everything – money, uni work…

It is necessary sometimes to work through things like this though, and write down plans and solutions for the things that aren’t going how you’d like them to go. The money issue has been worrying me for months, but I’ve not actually sat down and done anything about it until today! It’s good to go through these things with someone else, because they will often have a solution that you wouldn’t have thought of, because you were too focused on the issue itself to even think about a practical solution. Or maybe that’s just me, because I’ve been stressing too much recently?! Huh.

As for the uni work, I think the best thing to do would be to timetable the days when I have free-time, and do a rigid plan for those days, with no space for procrastination. I need to be strict with myself when it comes to uni work, because I’m the only one who will tell me off and the only one who can sit myself down and force myself to get on with it. Really, I need to buck up and be firm. Forget the “thinking cap”, I need a “study cap”. That’ll do the trick!

Right, the best thing for me to do now will probably be to tidy/clean my room, because a tidy room equates to a clear mind…or so I’ve heard (I’ll let you know how that goes…) Hope you’re all having a happy Friday! (If not, then get that FRIDAY FEELING!)

Let go, honestly.

I think it is upsetting when you realise that someone is still holding on to so much anger. You really need to be kind to yourself, because you’re the most important person; I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again, and again, and again: you are no use to others if you don’t look after yourself. Be. Kind. To. Yourself. Well, the following quote says it better than I can:

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” ~ Buddha

I wish I could just take some people by the shoulders, look them in the eye and tell them this. They don’t get it. Hey, life is one big journey, full of lessons…so be open to it. Learn. Go, learn, it’ll do you some good.

But above all, LET GO. Don’t keep hold of so much anger, or pain, because all you’re doing then is journeying through life with a huge weight above you, and why the hell would you want that? Just let go. I want to scream this now. Boo.

A little rant…or two…

The friend I mentioned in a previous post…well, I’m not so sure if she is a friend anymore. Recently, the lack of texts etc had been getting me down, and I really miss her, so I let her know about this. To disastrous results, it seems. But, it doesn’t really make much sense and all she’s done is made me upset and angry at her attitude towards our friendship. Correct me if I’m wrong: are friends not meant to be there for each other, through the good times and bad? Is friendship not meant to be a give and take sort of thing? I always believed it was, but her behaviour recently has me questioning this. And questioning her. If it was anyone else, they wouldn’t be getting away with this. But because it’s her, and because of the whole situation, she knows, in a way, that she can get away with it. But, if it continues like this, our friendship will be in tatters and I won’t have a clue as to how to fix it. Right now, I’m really not sure what is going on… I don’t know what to say, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know anything, it seems. A friend that I felt so sure was one of my closest, now seems to be breaking away and I’m powerless over it. I hate it but I really don’t know what to do.

Because of her spiteful words, I feel as if I can’t even enjoy anything at the moment. It truly is ridiculous. Me being me, I would normally be really excited about the snow and all things Christmassy…but because of her, I can’t. Every attempt I make at keeping in touch, trying to arrange to meet up…just telling her that I MISS her; she throws it all back into my face, or so it seems. Then she goes off on one, completely contradicting herself and tells me to leave her alone. Yet, she wants me to be there…but now I haven’t a clue how I am supposed to do this. Yep, it royally sucks. Any advice here? I think all I can do now is leave it, let her come to me if she wants anything…but in a way, that is what I had been doing because of the way she’s been recently. I’m just really confused now. Confused and hurt.

And I thought LOVE was tricky. It seems that friendship is tricky too.

Friends and coffee…or tea…

Well, how better to have a good ol’ catch up?! And, if you’re reading this, hope you had a lovely meal with your lovely mother tonight – and hope you gave her a hug and the socks!

Recently, I’ve been feeling a little lost, without a clue as to why, really. But, after a little bit of thinking, I’ve realised that I was really missing some friends, some a lot…and hadn’t been getting much from them recently in terms of texts/emails/hello’s… I hate that gap when you don’t keep in touch much…especially if they’re close friends. I guess one of the things I hate about being deaf is the fact that I can’t pick up the phone and have nice long chats with friends/family, despite so desperately wanting to sometimes. And I never thought that it might be possible for some people to hold that against me, but I guess some just don’t think that much. I would love to hear certain people’s voices on the phone, and the year at uni…away from home…it would’ve been so much easier if I could have just picked the phone up to speak to my mother…or the boy…or friends…but no. And the fact that YOU seem to be holding that against me, now, of all times…words are failing me, to be honest. How much CAN I be there for you, if you keep shutting me out?

Ah, but yes, catching up is lovely. And catching up with cupcakes is lovely too. Not the actual cupcakes, although they are nice, but friends, over cupcakes! Had a lovely cupcake yesterday, from the one and only Ella’s Bakehouse in Covent Garden…and then walked around with a cup of tea – not very practical, especially if it doesn’t have a LID. Oh well, you do learn from your mistakes! Caught up with another good friend today…the one whose mother I got socks for! She’s off to Germany on Tuesday for Christmas, lucky lady. And another good friend has just jetted off to Vienna today. Why are all my friends leaving the country?! Especially when it’s SNOWING?! It looks like there’s a very likely chance that it’ll be a white Christmas – fingers crossed.

And now, I’m too cold to type properly, so I’m off to find something to warm me and my fingers…ciao. Enjoy the snow, if you’ve got it.

To be lost…

To be lost, to be found, to be loved. All at once. Life sure is strange sometimes but you’ve GOTTA ROLL WITH IT. Or there’s no point. Absolutely no point at all. Depression is horrid, and I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, and I’ll keep saying it: DEPRESSION IS HORRIBLE AND I WOULDN’T WISH IT UPON ANYONE. Right, it’s all very well, me saying that, but really, what good does it do? It won’t help those who are in the throes of depression, nor will it be the cure for depression…but all I want to say is, if you’re depressed, you really ARE NOT ALONE. When you’re in that dark hole, don’t let it swallow you up too much…it’ll make the climb out all the more difficult. And I know that you can’t really control how low you are, but hopefully you’ll be surrounded by those who love and care about you.

Roll with it.

Life is a journey, Enjoy it!

Sometimes it feels as if people seem to overlook things, overlook the things that others do for them and I hate it when this happens. It happened to me today and it really took me back, I didn’t understand where all the hostileness was coming from. But I will always be there for certain people in my life, whether they like it or not. Even on the days when they want to be left alone, I’ll leave them be but not before I get a smile out of them – a real smile. Don’t be down. And don’t push me away either. What good will that do except hurt us BOTH?

I’m not a false person, every emotion I feel is real and I hope others know that too. They should know that. I think, being deaf has made me into a more expressive and emotive person…I need to show others how I feel through my expressions and feelings, and I suppose, to those who don’t know me, I may seem a little mad and over-the-top…but really, I’m not, it’s just who I am. I AM WHO I AM.

And now, I shall leave you with a song…

This Modern Love

To be lost in the forest
To be cut adrift
You’ve been trying to reach me
You bought me a book
To be lost in the forest
To be cut adrift
I’ve been paid
I’ve been paid
Don’t get offended
If I seem absent minded
Just keep telling me facts
And keep making me smile
Don’t get offended
If I seem absent minded
I get tongue-tied
Baby, you’ve got to be more discerning
I’ve known never known what’s good for me
I will be yours
I’ll pay for you anytime
You told me you wanted to eat up my sadness
Well jump on, enjoy, you can gorge away
You told me you wanted to eat up my sadness
Jump right on
Baby, you’ve got to be more discerning
I’ve known never known what’s good for me
Baby, you’ve got to be more demanding
I will be yours
What are you holding out for?
What’s always in the way?
Why so damn absent-minded?
Why so scared of romance?
This modern love breaks me
This modern love wastes me
Do you wanna come over and kill some time?
Tell me facts, tell me facts, tell me facts
Tell me facts
Throw your arms around me

The week’s not yet begun…

This last week, I’ve been just a little bit obsessed with the You And Me Song…which isn’t a bad thing because it’s such a happy song! “I love you Sunday song, The week’s not yet begun, And everything is quiet, And it’s always…You and me, always and forever…” What’s not to like about it?! (The post previous to this one was dedicated to the song!) After a really good week, I got extremely pissed off on Friday because of money issues…

When I left the University back in the Summer, I had to sort out the finances to do with the house I was meant to be living in this year…and luckily they found someone to take my place, but I had already been paying rent over the summer, so up until September, I had been paying rent but the person who took my place was SUPPOSED to pay me the month’s rent back because he moved in that month…but I’ve still yet to have my money back, and despite trying to reason with him, he’s now not responding which I am even more annoyed about. If I wasn’t so “nice”, I would honestly let rip at him. But that’s not who I am. So I messaged him and explained why I needed the money, now, and that if he makes ANY more excuses, then I will have to get other’s involved – the housemate, the landlord…and if all of that still doesn’t work, the last resort will be the police. I hate it when people don’t take me seriously. Because I really have the potential to get ANGRY when something gets on my nerves, and trust me, you don’t want that to happen really.

Prior to now, I’ve always been a bit of a “nice” girl but after the way some people have used me sometimes, I just won’t take it anymore. I’m already A LOT more assertive than I used to be as a teenager, but still, I think because my appearance is fairly “cute” and because I have quite a high pitched voice, some people just don’t take me seriously when I get angry or serious. But having said that, most people DO take me seriously, it’s just the JERKS who don’t. I suppose it’s the same with anyone really. But I think because I am now a more active feminist and deaf rights advocate, it’s made me more defensive with certain things. If people discriminate against me because of my deafness or because of the fact that I’m a girl, I just WILL NOT TAKE IT anymore. I mean, honestly people, who do they think they are?! Bullshitters, that’s what they are.

Sorry, just been very angry this weekend. And yet, it’s been a lovely weekend at the same time. Yesterday (Saturday), I went driving in a VW Camper Van for the first time in my life, and it only reaffirmed my dream of getting one…some day…hopefully within the next 5 or 6 years! And the boy wants it too, so we’ll pool our money together and get one. It’ll be YELLOW on the outside, with a nautical theme on the inside – red, blue and white. I actually want one RIGHT now, but obviously, they’re expensive and we’d need to be living together first, with a garage – there’s no way we’d let the poor thing brave the British weather…rust is a NO GO! This camper will have a lovely home…eventually

This week should be a good one, got a few things that will be the main focuses this week: the jewellery venture, Uni work and tidying/cleaning/hoovering the house ready for the jewellery party we’re having this week! Exciting times! My room is almost done now and I feel proud of myself! It’s been a long process…but it’s almost done, so I’ve nearly got my lovely room back now…hopefully by mid-week, it’ll be done. Fingers crossed.

Hope everyone’s had a good weekend and have a good week ahead of you…