My Path.

Over the last few days, I’ve noticed that quite a few people I know are coming to the end of their academic years. Some are finishing for the year, and returning in September, whereas others are finishing their degrees; dusting it off and perhaps moving away from education. They’re celebrating. Maybe some are feeling slightly scared and nervous, but most will not admit it, at least not on Facebook. That’s what I’ve noticed. Often, you will see many happy Facebook statuses, for the most part, a lot of us are trying to keep up the appearance that we are leading a happy life. Hell, even I’m guilty of that, especially on Facebook. It’s okay, though; I would much rather only reveal the good things, and perhaps a little gripe here and there, rather than bearing my soul on Facebook – it’s not what I use it for. I will “bare my soul” to my friends, those who are closest to me, but not my entire Facebook friend list, not any more.

Back to the point, went off a little there! Many seem to be moving along now, or celebrating the end of the academic year, and to be honest, I feel a little odd. This last year, I’ve taken off from study. I needed a bit of a breather, and I also wasn’t entirely sure which way to go next. The people I love are urging me to continue with my studies, and yes, I will be, but I’m returning slightly to where I was this time last year. I’m returning to that feeling of “who am I doing this for?” and “what is my aim?”. At times, it seems as if it is others who are pushing me to get my degree, and not so much myself. Then there’s the aim thing. Then I will be rational, and think, well, no, I AM doing this for me, I will be the one who will benefit from having a degree. I guess it’s partly due to the whole Open University thing; you are doing it alone, because whilst you might be able to meet with others in your tutor group, and you have the support of your tutor for the year…ultimately, you don’t actually have a physical place where you go for lectures, tutorials or to meet your fellow students. It is you, your books, the course materials and the work you produce. Sometimes I find my thoughts straying, and wondering what it would have been like if I had chosen to return to a “conventional” university, with lectures, fellow students…and a student bar (the boy loves his student bar)! Perhaps I would have been able to have a little support group around me, and those friendships. Those friendships that are meant to last for life.

Then I think back a bit, and remember why I left “conventional” university in the first place; it wasn’t for me, and allowed me no time to focus on anything other than university work. Whilst that was just one course, and not the right one for me, at the time it put me off wanting to try another one. Which is why I ended up with the Open Uni. To be fair, it was the right choice at the time, but I’ve just chosen to follow a slightly harder path, because the only motivator in all this is myself. There are days when I can’t be bothered, and end up not sticking to the tasks I set myself, which leads to the work building up. However, I am in a clearer position now than I was over the first two years with the Open Uni, and feel better able to be strict with myself. If I follow the path I want to go down, I will need to learn how to divide my time appropriately and motivate myself. Sure, there will still be days when I might not do what I had set out to do, but they will be other days where I will hopefully go above and beyond what I had set out to achieve. I know that in order to reach my potential, I need to do this.

To reach my potential, I need to finish my degree. I need to be able to be sitting here in a couple of years time, and write about how I am at that finishing point. That celebratory point. Perhaps that should be my aim. If I can see myself graduating, then I will get there. If I can see myself doing well, then you can bet that I will put the hard work in. And then I will do a happy status about how I finished that assignment, and am ready for the weekend! But for now, I will make some plans, and do some (non-academic!) work. I will keep moving forward.

“I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.” 
~ The Road Not Taken, Robert Frost

Unfamiliar

Lately, there have been many thoughts rushing through my mind. Different thoughts. Things that I am not used to. They’re not always bad thoughts, just…unfamiliar. Things have been different recently; different good, and different bad. The good: lots of work projects, working with great people, feeling close to the boy, things slotting into place. The bad: detachment from special people, feeling lonely, bad luck hitting those I love. We all know that there is a gentle balance in life, a balance between the good and the bad, and it is down to us how much the bad things take a grip on our lives, it is down to us to pick ourselves up and carry on. This last week has been like that. The last few weeks, even.

At times, I don’t always know who to talk to anymore. Or, rather, the people who were the ones I would always talk to…don’t seem to be here. Sure, one of my closest friends happens to be far away, in India right now…! I miss her. I miss the talks we would have on Facebook, I miss getting notifications from her. Being deaf, I have to find different ways to connect to the people in my life; so although I’ve not always been the greatest fan of Facebook (I went AWOL for half of last year!), it is a great way to keep in touch with some people in your life. So, I am already missing one friend, and when one person is missing, it’s like a chair leg disappearing. Another close friend refers to her friends as her chair legs; she has four, good, constant friends, and they are all her life support, in a way, and, sorry Lizzie, I like stealing that metaphor! Attempting to go through these new adventures in my life, without one of my chair legs? It’s hard. There is so much I want to tell her, so much I want to share…I want to see what she will say…I want to be excited with her. But I also hope that she is having some great adventures of her own in India.

It is unfortunate that another of my chair legs is missing at the moment. Life gets busy. I know that full well. But sometimes it’s good to share that with your friends, to release the burden, to laugh. That is essential. And, right now, that is missing from my life. So, my four chair legs (more or less) are down to two. I am seeing the original chair leg (ha, get it…if you make the metaphor, you are the original…sorry, sorry, not that funny…?) tonight, so maybe I’ll be able to borrow some good words from her. Lizzie is the friend who always seems to be a little older, a little wiser, even though she is only around 6 months older than me. Perhaps it’s because she’s one of my only friends who went away from home for University? When you’re away from home, your experiences shape you, and sometimes you have to grow up a little quicker. That’s not to say that we don’t still have moments when we’re together…when we can be kids again! Just, I know that if I talk to her about anything…more often than not, she will have words of wisdom to make it seem right again. It’s good to have a friend like that. It was Lizzie who told me, when I was being indecisive about staying at Uni, or leaving, to do what would make me happy, because it’s my life. I remember reading that text. I read it in Manchester, in July 2009. It helped. It made me smile.

The boy has said that this week, he has really learnt to value the people in his life. He appreciates all that they do for him. The people we surround ourselves with, well, they are the ones who keep us going. They know what to say. They know what to do. They know how to make you smile again. That’s important, and that is why I feel quite sad, inside, that I can’t do that for some people at the moment. It never does good, in life, to focus too much on yourself, on your own problems, on your own little world, because you’re then forgetting about the other people in your life…and when people genuinely want to be there for you, when they want to be in your life…why shut them out? It will only make you lonely, sad. Friends help to lighten the load on your shoulders, they have the right words (most of the time), they have the perfect ingredients to make you smile, laugh, cry, even. It’s good to cry sometimes. If you’re reading this, I miss you, tiger.

I have been smiling. I have been keeping busy. I have been doing what I love, and loving what I do. I have a feeling that I am going in the right direction. So, even though it may seem unfamiliar…that’s okay. The things that aren’t quite right in my life right now, well, I’m sure that with a few cups of tea, they can be right again. I just don’t know when those cups of tea will be made. Not right now. Soon, I hope. But…for now…I have a (fake) sunflower, pretty pictures, quotes, teacups with candles in them, spider-diagrams, to-do lists, and my own cup of tea…and it’s all in the comfort of my own room. I will make today productive. This will be a good day. My advice to you? Go in an unfamiliar direction, and make it sparkle.

This point; right here.

Do you ever pause and think about where you are right now, where you were at this point in the past, and where you want to go? It’s something I think about from time to time, sometimes I feel good, sometimes I miss things and people, but if I hadn’t experienced any of it, I wouldn’t be where I am, and who I am. Currently, I’m planning lots of things, and whilst there’s a big part of me that is just itching to stop the planning and just do things, I know that the planning is essential. So I persist, and soon enough, I’ll be able to start the “do” part!

This time 4 years ago, I was in my last year on my college course, and I felt a bit strange. I was happy, very happy, because I was 7 months into my relationship with the boy, but I wasn’t completely happy education-wise. I do love the theatre, and the beloved-theatre-company, but I was at a point where I felt a bit odd; many of the friends I had grown up with there had moved on, gone to University etc, and I guess it was a bit strange to be in a place that held so many childhood memories, and yet I was studying there. I don’t regret it at all, because in doing the course, I had left my Secondary School behind, which was a good thing. But there was just something missing, I guess, because I was in a place where childhood was still so present, but I needed to grow up a bit, and to do that, I needed to go away.

This time 3 years ago, I was just starting out at Reading University. It started well. I thought it was a good course, and I had made some nice friends on the course, and a few from outside of the course. But I was away from home, away from the boy, away from those I loved. At the time, it didn’t really suit me very much. As the year went on, I got more and more homesick, and I realised just how much I was missing London too – even though it wasn’t far away by train, when you’re in a whole different place, well, it’s just not the same. I didn’t feel completely comfortable in the presence of those at University either, but I’m only starting to realise this now. There was a fair bit of back-stabbing, bitchiness and two-facedness, and all of that really isn’t who I am. From that year, I’ve gained one really good friend, and the other friendships have now more or less fallen away. However, I also don’t regret this year. I learnt a lot about myself – I’m a home-girl at heart, I like to be around those I love more than being by myself, I’m creative, I have an ever-present love of bright colours, and I always, always try to face things with a smile!

2 years ago, I had just started on the long journey with the Open University. It’s been tough, you need loads of self-motivation, and at times I do get a bit fed up with it all, but I just have to remember what I’m working towards…eventually, I will have a degree…it’s just taking a little longer. The big sis and I had also started to get a bit more serious about the jewellery business at this point, and in the December, we held a jewellery party and did quite well with it. Little steps; it was a bit stop and start after that, but we’re now on the way to relaunching the whole thing…it’s exciting!

This time last year, I had started my second course with the Open University, and I was also doing my Level 2 BSL course, at last. Through doing the BSL course, my confidence was slowly starting to grow again, and I was realising just how much BSL I already knew! With sign-language, if you don’t use it, you might lose it, but there was a lot of knowledge in me, it was just tucked away, not being used, so I’m glad I did the course, because it helped me to feel more confident when I’m signing. It also helped that our teacher was Deaf herself, so it was great to see a strong, confident Deaf woman every week.

Where am I now? What is happening right now, at this point in time? Well, currently, I’m not studying, as there wasn’t an Open Uni course that started in October that I took a liking to…but there’s one starting in January that I like the look of…so that’s the next step – with the O.U. you can do it bit by bit, working your way to a degree module by module, course by course. However, I’m currently making lots of plans; the biggest thing is the jewellery business, which has stepped up a level – I’ve been working away on a business plan, budgeting, market researching…it’s hard work! It’ll pay off though, and I’ll reveal more here when it’s all up and running. At the end of September, I finally took the plunge and got my first DSLR, and I’m so happy that I did. I think it marked a real change, because I’ve love photography for so long, yet I’ve been using the trusty point and shoot cameras, and feeling green with envy whenever I saw someone whip out a DSLR when I was out and about. But now? Now I have MY OWN. Happy days. I’ve been having lots of fun with it. Lots of fun. A lot of ideas have been bubbling up too, so I’ve been pinning things on Pinterest, and soaking up all the inspiration on the internet. Watch this space, because there will most definitely be more photographic adventures to come, which I will document on here.

After all that has happened this year, I’m feeling grateful at this point in time. Grateful for friends, family, life. I appreciate that I have this time to create what I want, which currently means setting up the jewellery business and playing with my camera. I don’t know what the future will hold, but I’m feeling happy, and I’m feeling excited. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this excited about things; and, excited, I’m glad you’re back. I’ve missed you. The next few weeks will be busy, busy and fun, as I put the finishing touches onto the business plan, and start the first steps on the “do”…and that’s the most exciting part. Sometimes it really is good to reflect on things, to look backwards at where you have been, to look forward at where you want to go, and to look at where you are now and re-evaluate things. If you don’t like where you are, then you have the power to change it. And if you can’t change it, change your attitude. It’s your life.

“This is your world. Shape it or someone else will.” – Gary Lew.

The past, present and future

Friendship. So lovely…and so confusing. Hopefully there is a friend, or friends, that you know you can always count on, who will always be there to help you, and giggle with you, and just be a friend. However, life is harsh. There will be times when you get so hurt, that it just isn’t worth it anymore. These are the friendships that you thought would be lasting friendships, only to find that the others move on without you, even though you’re still making the effort.

Recently, this has been the case. There’s a group of friends, that I went to University with, that I’m drifting away from. It seems as if they’re living isolated lives, separate lives, and they select and discard the people in their lives accordingly. I, so it seems, have been discarded. It hurts, like a bitch. In the first year, at University, I thought we all supported one another and helped each other to get through the year, as well as having fun. And, after I left, I tried my hardest to keep in touch with those who I deemed to be “friends”. But it’s dwindled to a halt and they don’t seem to be “friends” anymore, just acquaintances. It’s a hard lesson to learn, to be honest. When friendships fall apart; it hurts more when it’s one-sided. When it’s just one half making the effort; you could compare it to unrequited love, really. Oh, screw it.

The thing is, all it’s doing is making me stronger. I think life, in itself, makes people stronger. The things we all go through, makes us into stronger, more determined people. I’ve had friendships go bad, fall apart, drift away, but that’s life. Some friends come into your life, make a huge difference, and then they leave your life again. Some friends come and stay with you. It’s about learning who your close friends are. I guess I just thought some of the girls from University WERE close friends, but life is teaching me differently. THEY are teaching me differently through their actions, or rather, lack of actions. I cannot make all the effort, I would be exhausting myself emotionally, and I cannot do that. I refuse to do that. Friendship is a two way street, you have to give as much as you take. The scales just cannot tip. Unless one friend is going through a hard time, then obviously the other friend will be making most of the effort; and hopefully it’s the same both ways. But what I mean is in terms of contact, and the actual friendship; it needs to be equal.

Friends are there, through the good times and bad times. Close friends. Of course, you may find yourself with a wide circle of friends, and you may find that you’ll see those friends when you’re in a certain mood; you may have a party friend, a coffee/tea friend, a gossip friend, a shopping friend, a giggles/laughter/happiness friend, a ser-i-o-u-s friend…and so on. But you’ll hopefully have one or two friends that you know you can always count on; the kind of friend who would drop everything, if you called them up in tears (in my case, texting with a      : ‘ (       face!) But also the kind of friend that you’ll find rooting for you when you’re doing good things in your life.

Isn’t that what friendship is? Life is never as fun if there’s no friends to enjoy it with, no friends to share it with, no friends to just sit in silence with… What is life, if you don’t have friends? It would be a lonely life to lead. Yes, you can be your own best friend, you can even be a solitary person, but I believe there has to be at least ONE person that you can share life with. Your partner/boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife can be that person, there’s no reason why they can’t be your best friend. There are no rules. Just a mutual respect and high regard for one another…and a beautiful friendship should form. It’s just a shame when it falls apart so messily!

Boy, why are you crying?

Yup. Peter Pan. What a lovely boy. Well, actually, he’s pretty arrogant at the beginning – “Oh! The cleverness of me!” – but then he goes on to talk so beautifully about girls…saying that one girl is worth twenty boys! Uh huh, that’s a lovely boy. And I love the fact that he’ll stay a boy forever. In fact, I just love Peter Pan, Barrie created such wonderfully lovely characters in his plays/books. The reason I’m raving about Peter Pan is because I’m currently working through the play text, analysing it, and writing an assignment on the fairyland. I still can’t quite believe how much I’m enjoying my Open University module/course this year! It seems to be the first time in a while that I’ve actually been enjoying my studies again. It really seems like things are on the up again = good times.

It’s been a strange week so far. Monday was, quite simply, shit. The whole thing to do with my hearing taking a drop just seemed to shadow everything and really pull me down. And despite trying to be strong, Tuesday and Wednesday were hard days too, because I kept breaking down at various points throughout the day. Happily, I’ve managed to kick some sense into myself now and I’m drinking out of a cup of positivism again…phew! It’s just that, for now, I don’t need to get worried and stressed about the hearing drop thing because I do still HAVE some hearing, and hearing aids are really helping me these days, so whilst I still have all of that, I really have no reason to stress out about not being able to hear some day. I think I was just grieving for the hearing I had before…and grieving for the hearing that I’ve just lost recently. Honestly, every time my hearing drops, a little piece of my heart gets broken. Not permanently, but it bloody hurts when it happens.

Things started to pick up a bit on Wednesday night, as I was in the Christmas show, and the little boy I support was back! (He had been ill, which meant that I hadn’t seen him since before Christmas!!) So, that special little deaf boy, well, he just really injects sunshine into everything he does…and so when I see his gorgeous little face…a smile erupts on my face. Happy days. I really hope I can support him again in his Children’s Theatre weekly workshops…otherwise I’m going to really miss him. I’ve been working with him at the theatre for a year and a half now…and I adore him. Oh boy! Another little Peter Pan, he is.

I find late night blogging sessions fairly therapeutic…they seem to bring a calm over me and all my troubles seem just a little bit less troublesome. I guess that this blog is kinda like a good, old friend. It’s been by my side throughout the last few years and I now find that reading back through old blog posts can be funny sometimes. When I read back over posts I did when I started the blog, I chuckle to myself. It was around the time during the summer before I went to University…and I felt so excited, yet so scared at the same time. I’m really quite glad that I started this blog…it’s been a good journey. And a good way to document that journey. Life isn’t all daisies and sunshine all the time, and yet, there are moments of happiness that seems to rush through your body and lift you into the air for a while…but quite a lot of those great highs and blue lows seem to be recorded amongst the blog posts; it’s going to be a great thing to look back over in years to come. And there’s still a whole load of adventures to go on and record…so don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere just yet!

Hope everyone has a very, very, very HAPPY FRIDAY! And also, if a certain close friend happens to read this…HAPPY 22ND BIRTHDAY! Looking forward to celebrating with you in 60s style on Saturday night <3 Everyone else…have a great weekend

New beginnings…

Well, come Saturday, I’ll be starting my next Open University course! I finished the last one, Creative Writing, at the beginning of June and I spent most of the summer pondering which course to do next…although at the back of my mind I knew that it would be the one I’ve chosen to do – Children’s Literature. It should be an interesting one…fingers crossed. The course material arrived a week or so ago but I had yet to open the package, til now that is. I was reluctant to open it for some reason, probably because I was slightly nervous at the prospect of another year’s study.

I’m pleased to say though, that I’m pleasantly happy with what the package contained It includes: a study guide that takes you through the course week by week, which contains all the activities you need to complete and also some reading extracts that accompany the activities; two study books to go along with the study guide; two DVDs containing “a variety of audiovisual material including performances of children’s literature, and interviews with children, authors and publishers” (may need to get some help with these as I’m unsure if they’ll have subtitles or not…); a book – ‘Peter Pan and Other Plays’ by J.M.Barrie; and a course guide, which explains each part of the course. Phew! It all looks pretty exciting though and I’m genuinely looking forward to starting now, whereas before I was feeling a mixture of trepidation and nervousness! Silly me.

I’m hoping that I’ll enjoy this course, as the last one began to stifle me a bit. I do enjoy writing but I’ve learnt that I prefer to do it by myself and keep it to myself, rather than writing something that I know has to be marked at the end…for me it blocked my creativity a little. It was the first time that I had my creative writing analysed and thoroughly marked – before that it was only at GCSE level at secondary school and the marking system isn’t as tough as it is at University level, obviously! I’m guessing that the Children’s Literature course will mainly be built upon analysing books and poetry aimed at children, and looking at how it can aid their development, whilst also studying the history of children’s literature and how it has evolved. Uh huh, I think I’m definitely looking forward to this one.

About two weeks ago, I finally got started on my way to achieving my Level 2 in BSL (British Sign Language). I’ve been talking about it for quite a few years but have never gotten started. I did try when I was in my last year at secondary school but the GCSE exams got in the way and took all my attention. For me, it’s mainly a case of honing my signing and polishing it ready for the exams. There’s three exams in total, each one different from the other. The first exam involves watching a video of someone signing a story in BSL, and at intervals they will pause the story and ask you four questions about the story – all in BSL of course – and then you have to mark your answer on a sheet of paper with multi-choice answers. The point of this exam is to remember the details from the story, such as remembering which pocket the person took their phone out of – either their shirt pocket or the pocket in their jeans – which will prove to the examiner that you can process BSL correctly and hold the information that you’ve been given. There’s no signing from you in this exam, it’s just a video/paper exam. We’ll be sitting the first exam in mid December so we’ve still got time to practice and scrub the memory sections of our brains! Eeek.

I’ve been looking into becoming a Level 1 BSL tutor again…and it’s not quite as confusing as I thought it was. Basically, if you’re going to be teaching post-16 level, you just need to be a qualified teacher but not in the sense that you need to get a PGCE and all that. Which was the confusing bit. You just need to get an award called ‘Preparing to Teach in the Lifelong Learning Sector’, PTLLS for short and then you have to get another qualification that is suited to the role you’ll be undertaking. Then you’ll need to be fluent/knowledgeable in the subject area you’ll be teaching, in my case, Level 1 BSL. I’m not sure how long it’ll take to be fully trained but I’m just relieved that it’s not quite as complicated as it seemed when I researched it before. For now it’s a possible option…watch this space!

I think new beginnings can be scary, but once you’ve taken those first few steps, the scaryness starts to fall away and you can tread your path confidently. Just got to take those first few steps.

Can your passion be your work?

You know how it goes: you have a hobby/passion and you do it as your living but you end up hating it. I’ve always felt this way about photography; certain people have told me that I should just go for it…whilst others have told me that I shouldn’t pursue photography as a career because then I wouldn’t enjoy it anymore. I’m not sure how I feel about the whole thing, to be honest. I look at professional photographers, and for the most part, they seem extremely passionate about photography – they don’t treat it as a “job” as such, they’re just making money out of their passion, really. So why do I feel this way?

There are some opinions that I respect – the people who know me best and generally understand what I want out of life. However, I know that I need to try things out for myself, make my own judgements about things. How will I know that I’ll “end up hating photography” if I don’t actually try it out? I get the impression that if you’re a free-launch photographer, you can photograph anything you like and then sell the photographs in some way or another? Or maybe I’m being naive? I’m just starting to feel though, that life is TOO SHORT. Why spend your life in a career that only brings you money but no happiness? Sure, if your work is your passion, then yes, you’ll still have those funny old days, but surely the fact that you’ve managed to make your passion into your job will bring you some joy, will it not? I’m confused about the whole thing.

I wish there was some way of knowing if something will work out or not; but then again, if this was the case, there would be no point in life because you have to learn things as you go along, you have to make use of trail and error to work some things out. The point I’m trying to make, is that if we knew how everything would go, we probably wouldn’t get much out of life because everything would be predetermined, in a way.

How will we ever know the answer to certain things if we don’t actually try it out? It’s life-altering to take that jump, but, being optimistic, I believe that once you take that jump, you’ll feel happier for it because you can rest in the knowledge that you’re leading your life in the best way you can. Leaving University last year was a jump…but it was a jump into the darkness in some respects because I didn’t know what I wanted to do next, I still don’t. Although I am studying still, I haven’t got a long-term view of what I want to do. I play with ideas every now and then but nothing really calls out to me.

I’m scared to contemplate photography as a career because it would be difficult – you need that special, wow-factor to be able to be a success. I guess, I’m a bit scared of some people’s reactions too. Some people are far too judgemental. In fact, I think I’m too critical of MYSELF. I just don’t know where to start sometimes.

P.S. Sorry for all these “confused” blog posts today…you can’t help feeling this way sometimes.

One foot forward…

How do we put one foot forward in this world? I find myself confused, again. It’s strange, because realistically, I know there are probably many lines of work I could go into…but I’m not seeing the options very clearly right now. All I can see is a life-time of work…until the age of 60/65, when we retire. I’m starting to wonder, what’s the point of education (further education), if it isn’t relevant to the work you do? It’s as if employers want to have evidence that you’re “clever”…but it doesn’t really matter what subject you’ve graduated in! And they also want you to have “previous experience”…well, how will we get that experience if every place wants you to have experience?! The world of work seems to be a confusing one…and I’ve yet to join the job-hunt yet!

Sure, I’m doing voluntary work, but I don’t think I want to go into teaching. Maybe that’s what “experience” is though? Voluntary work? If you can’t get an actual foot on the career ladder, maybe the first step is to do voluntary work…? I’m not sure.

I feel like I’m a “free-spirit”…and I’m not sure how I will feel once I settle down into a daily, 9-5 kind of job. I get the feeling that I wouldn’t enjoy it, unless it was something creative, something different, challenging…but really, what is out there?! From watching my sister getting more and more disheartened, it’s making me wonder and worry about looking for a job myself. I’m wondering what the world of work has to offer.

I know that the WORLD has a lot to offer, it has an amazing amount to offer…but does it offer it through work? The state of society, of commercialism, worries me. I’m trying to judge what society’s attitudes towards deafness is, in our day and age. Will I have to put up a fight to get where I want to be? Will it be a constant struggle? Or will I be lucky enough to find a group of people to work with who are accepting, who are deaf-aware? I know one thing though, I won’t find out the answers to any of those questions until I put myself out there.

On the other hand, maybe I should look at the world of work as an adventure? It’s a new path to go down; and for the most part, you are in control – nothing is compulsory until you enter into a job. You can pick the job. If that makes sense?!

And now…I think I shall start the hunt…wish me luck… I shall blog about what I find!

When I grow up…

Do you remember when you were at school and the teachers used to ask you what you wanted to do “when you grow up”? At Primary school, you were likely to have an ideal of what you wanted to be…but it probably wasn’t until you got to Secondary school that you actually started to think about it seriously. I went through phases when I was at Secondary school…but in the last few years I really wanted to be a ToD (Teacher of the Deaf). However, due to bad experiences in the last year of school with the ToD who supported me, well, she put me off wanting to be one myself. I went off the whole idea of working in schools, of how formal it is…and how, unless you’re one of those teachers that everyone loves, it would make you into a serious kind of person…and I didn’t think that would be “me”.

However, since I do actually want to work with deaf children, one way or another, I’ve changed my mind. On Friday, I had a meeting at a Primary school that has a HIU (Hearing Impaired Unit), about the possibility of me working there for a day or two every week (voluntary). Luckily, it all went well and I start tomorrow (eeeek!). However, when I was there, the lady I met with suggested that I train to become a teacher after I graduate…not through the PGCE (Post Graduate Certificate in Education) scheme but instead through the GTP (Graduate Teaching Programme)… With the PGCE route, you’d mainly be learning via University, with placements at random schools – at the discretion of the University – but with the GTP route, you’d be training on site at the school. The way it works is: it’s one year long, in the first term you’ll teach a class for 20% of the time, in the second term you’ll teach for 50% of the time and in the third term you’ll teach for 80% of the time…and at the end of it, you’ll be a qualified teacher. Obviously, you have to be a graduate, but it means that you can train to be a teacher through hands-on experience in the classroom.

I worked out the other day, that because I’m studying part time, after I’ve finished this year (in June), I’ll still have another 3 years to go until I graduate with a degree…! Normally, if you’re studying full-time, you have to get 120 credits each year for three years to make up a 360 credits Bachelors Degree – I already have the 120 credits for the one year I did last year…so hopefully I’ll be able to transfer them… The course I’m doing with the Open University is only 60 credits per year because I’m doing it part time.

Sometimes, when I look to the future, I kind of wish I was graduating next year…which would’ve happened if I had continued studying full-time…but then I think about it and the fact that I’m studying part-time has opened up more doors for me and allowed me to be free, in a way. I can now do all the things I couldn’t do whilst studying full-time…I can now take photographs to my heart’s content, I can read as many books as I like, I can do random craft projects here and there…I actually have time to blog! I guess, the course I was doing before was just too demanding, both physically and academically. During the day, we were expected to do practical work (drama…) and in the evenings, rather than relaxing, we had log-books to write, essays to do…it just didn’t seem to end. I had looked forward to joining the photography society but didn’t have the time for it…in a lot of ways, the University experience was more of a let-down than the best time of my life – if it was the best time of my life, I would’ve stayed!

So whilst I had originally rejected the idea of becoming a ToD…I am now rather looking forward to it! After doing the GTP, I’d have to do a year or two of ToD training to become a qualified Teacher of the Deaf…I’d much rather be helping deaf children to reach their potential than teaching a class full of children! I just feel that my own experiences as a deaf person will help me to relate to the deaf children’s experiences, I’ll be able to support them with the knowledge of what it’s really like…and I will NEVER, ever, stereotype a deaf child…each deaf child is an individual, with their own needs; one of the worst things is when someone casts you off into the crowd and doesn’t look at your own specific needs. This is what happened when I started A-Levels…I needed support in class, in the form of a note-taker, but the ToD who run the HIU told me: “You’re old enough now, you need to be more responsible…you can take your own notes in class.” I really don’t see how that would’ve been possible, since I can’t lipread and take notes at the same time. Honestly, some people aren’t worthy of the titles they are given!

I just feel that if I were to become a ToD…I could make a real difference. It’s not about me, it’s about changing the life of others. I want to make sure everyone has the chance to shine. I want to make the world a better place for the future generations of deaf children so that they don’t have to go through all the struggles that deaf adults of today have had to go through. It’s been changing, in baby-steps…and we need to keep that change going. I want to be a contributor to that change, I guess.

Friends and coffee…or tea…

Well, how better to have a good ol’ catch up?! And, if you’re reading this, hope you had a lovely meal with your lovely mother tonight – and hope you gave her a hug and the socks!

Recently, I’ve been feeling a little lost, without a clue as to why, really. But, after a little bit of thinking, I’ve realised that I was really missing some friends, some a lot…and hadn’t been getting much from them recently in terms of texts/emails/hello’s… I hate that gap when you don’t keep in touch much…especially if they’re close friends. I guess one of the things I hate about being deaf is the fact that I can’t pick up the phone and have nice long chats with friends/family, despite so desperately wanting to sometimes. And I never thought that it might be possible for some people to hold that against me, but I guess some just don’t think that much. I would love to hear certain people’s voices on the phone, and the year at uni…away from home…it would’ve been so much easier if I could have just picked the phone up to speak to my mother…or the boy…or friends…but no. And the fact that YOU seem to be holding that against me, now, of all times…words are failing me, to be honest. How much CAN I be there for you, if you keep shutting me out?

Ah, but yes, catching up is lovely. And catching up with cupcakes is lovely too. Not the actual cupcakes, although they are nice, but friends, over cupcakes! Had a lovely cupcake yesterday, from the one and only Ella’s Bakehouse in Covent Garden…and then walked around with a cup of tea – not very practical, especially if it doesn’t have a LID. Oh well, you do learn from your mistakes! Caught up with another good friend today…the one whose mother I got socks for! She’s off to Germany on Tuesday for Christmas, lucky lady. And another good friend has just jetted off to Vienna today. Why are all my friends leaving the country?! Especially when it’s SNOWING?! It looks like there’s a very likely chance that it’ll be a white Christmas – fingers crossed.

And now, I’m too cold to type properly, so I’m off to find something to warm me and my fingers…ciao. Enjoy the snow, if you’ve got it.