Snow, hey, oh… As you might have already noticed, I love the snow. It’s one of the best things about winter, and it means you just have to wrap up warm…and have fun. Sure, I can understand why and how it can be a nuisance…but I can also (very much so) see the fun and joy of it all…it’s SNOW. Let’s all go and build a snow(wo)man…
This was the day that I went to work with the boy, and spent the day waiting for him to be finished. I read The Perks of Being a Wallflower, I ate, I used Tumblr on my phone…and enjoyed the fact that outside, there was a blanket of snow.
So, I think I might have a small case of the January blues confusion… Here’s what I wrote a little while ago on my Tumblr: “The last few days, I’ve been feeling sad. Not sad, as in upset, because nothing has happened; but just a feeling I can’t seem to shake. It lingers. It sits in my chest, and won’t leave. I can go a few hours, and not feel this way, but then in the evening, it comes back. I know this is not depression, not at all, because after being in the depths of depression more than once, I know it when I feel it. Just don’t know what this is though; I’d say maybe January blues, but they’re easy to shake, or are they? Rah. Leave me alone, sadness, I don’t want you or need you.” Now, I’m not completely sure why I’m feeling this way, as I said. It is just sticking with me, despite the fact that I have been keeping fairly busy, and seeing people who colour my world with happiness. Mostly, it’s the moments when I’m alone that I have been feeling like this, moments when it is just me, and no one else.
Interesting; when I’m with the boy, this feeling evaporates, at least for a little while. Then in the evening, when we’re getting ready for bed, it sneaks back. Why? It’s pointless. However, for logic’s sake, I know that there must be a reason that I’m feeling this way…right? Surely, there must be. What has happened over the last few days? I’ve seen the boy, I’ve seen an old friend, a close friend…I’ve even bought some food colouring, ready for making a rainbow cake. (I’ll post the pictures of that, when I actually do it.) So…? I’m guessing it possibly is the January blues, that and the fact that I was away last week, so a bit of post-holiday blues, mixed in with missing the boy, which is never fun. Always miss the boy more when we’ve spent a lot of time together; last week was bliss. It’s rare that we spend that much time together, every day, and night, with just the two of us. We both live with our respective families, firstly because it’s cheaper than renting out and secondly because we honestly can’t afford to live out.
On Monday, when I met up with my old friend, I opened up a bit more to him, and told him more about things surrounding my family. Some of it has been hard to deal with as I was growing up; there is an issue in my family, that doesn’t go away, and it rears it’s big, ugly head from time to time. It’s not something that I open up easily about, and I don’t talk about it a lot, because if I did, I’d forever be down about it. Instead, I feel stronger now; it’s more a case of getting on with it, and living my own life, because there is only so much I can do for other people. However, I don’t think it is this that has been making me sad this week. Meh.
Perhaps when the year gets going more, things will fall into place? Right now, things are still a little up in the air, and I’m still finding my feet in terms of what I want to do. All I need to do, though, is remember that this is a journey, and that wherever this path takes me, it will be exciting. Of course, there will be bumps in the road along the way, but for the most part, it is a huge adventure. And, oh boy, I do like adventures. I love adventures. Which means, really, I have nothing to worry about. There is no point in worrying about things; worry only makes something little grow into something massive, needlessly. Worry not.
Maybe all I need is a day to myself. A day where I can focus on me, as selfish as that may sound, because we do actually need to look after ourselves. We’re no use to other people if we aren’t looking after ourselves. Life is beautiful; I need a day to call my own, so that I can sit up and take notice of all the beautiful things in life. I will banish this sadness, whatever it is; January blues? Still not sure. It will pass. I’ll do my happy things tomorrow, and it will pass. Forgive my late night post, they are often the posts that are the most therapeutic to me, but possibly not the best posts for you to read! Skip on to the happy posts…
…to, uh, uh, those summer nights… Okay, excuse the Grease reference here…but the summer days part is a good starting point for this post. Back in the summer, I was feeling rather low, and now, in December, I’m not. Early in the summer, in May, I went to the audiological hospital in London, and my doctor thought it would be a good idea for me to see a clinical psychologist at the hospital. Now, at the time, this majorly freaked me out. It was someone else recognising that I wasn’t feeling my best, and I didn’t like it. The reason she referred me was because I was struggling to see my hearing loss in a positive light; but she even said herself that if it were to happen to her, she would probably feel the same, because it is not a nice thing to go through. Previously, I could hear music unaided, I could walk into a busy shop and the first thing I’d hear would be the music. But now, I can’t. I have to wear hearing aids in order to hear anything, and when I go into shops now, all I really hear is one big mass of noise.
Back to the point. I got referred and began sessions with the clinical psychologist. Overall I had 8 sessions with her, and they ended last Thursday. It’s been a journey, and in the sessions we would sometimes talk about my deafness, and the fears I had about the future. However, through it all, I began to realise that there is not much point in worrying about things that have yet to happen. When, and if, these things happen, then I’ll find ways to cope with them, but at this moment in time, these things are a while off (such as having children), and to worry now would be silly. One of my worries was that when I have children, I didn’t think I’d be able to understand them, that I wouldn’t be able to hear them, that I’d miss their first words; yes, it scares me a lot. On the other hand, I want them to use baby sign, which means I’ll be able to communicate with them from a much earlier age, and it also aids their speech development. Win-win for everyone, really. The point is, that there are ways around these things, so it is not something I need to worry about right now.
The therapy did help, in the end, because it taught me about how the way I think about things can make a big difference. If I begin to think about things in a negative way, then I need to recognise that, and talk to people, rather than continue in that way and let it bring me down. That’s what I was doing; I was failing to see the positives of my deafness, and the hearing drop, and allowing it to bring everything else down. In the future, I have the tools to stop this kind of thinking and lists of happy things to help me along the way. The other day, I got a lovely letter from the psychologist, a summary of our sessions and the outcomes, which was sent to my doctor; and I think it’s a good thing to keep, as it is proof of what I have overcome in a relatively short space of time. I can look back at it in the future and remember, but in a good way.
She said: “By talking about her sadness and fears about the future, and not having to ‘pretend to be strong’ Sarah began to adjust better to the changes in her life.” And it’s true; it is good to talk about things, rather than holding them in all the time. In talking to someone, you may find a solution and a deeper connection to the person you confided in. The future cannot be seen, but you can guess at how you will cope with things: “Sarah identified potential setbacks (progressive hearing loss) and how to know if it is becoming problematic.” I feel like I am in a much better position now to deal with these things; talking to someone who was not connected to me in a social way, enabled me to open up and get a response that was helpful. I am facing forward now, and not backwards, longing for things I no longer have (my hearing); the future is exciting, yes, scary at times, but there is a lot of possibility and opportunities.
So, the summer days have drifted away, but these winter nights are nice. These winter nights were made for dreaming and planning.
Well, we’re six days into December! It’s been good so far; the big sis’ birthday called for lovely celebrations – we went up to Cambridge to stay with our Granny, went into town for a wander, had a glorious meal at a pub in the evening (still can’t get over how great the food was…), and then the next day we went into London to Vivien of Holloway…where I got my very first dress, at long last! 1950s dresses have had a soft spot in my heart since I was a little girl, and I got a similar one when I was about 13/14, but this one, oh gosh, this one is perfect! I will have to post a picture or two of it another day… Then in the afternoon we took the big sis to a lovely tearoom, where we had cake galore… Not bad for a Saturday in London! It’s not even over yet…we then went on to Covent Garden, where we took in two bead shops…and then the sis and I went on to a Deaf pantomime in the evening, topped off with a late dinner at ASK. Phew.
So…what am I looking forward to this month?
♥ Creating a photobooth for Christmas photographs at home…
♥ Christmas shopping…
♥ Drinking copious amounts of mulled wine…
♥ Drinking copious amounts of hot chocolate…
♥ Catching up with friends…
♥ Ice-skating in London…
♥ Searching through markets for a good bargain with Mona…
♥ Relaunching the jewellery business…
♥ Putting up the Christmas decorations…
♥ Buying and making stocking fillers…
♥ Snuggling up and watching Christmas films…
♥ Snow…?
There are probably more things I could add to the list, but then it would be never-ending! What are you looking forward to this month? Share away 
…Christmas is on it’s way! Yikes! The last few days can be likened to a hectic mess of chaos…! The carpet in the living room was ripped up…new carpet gone in…went to get new earmold impressions (which will be with me in two weeks)…came home…and shot out again for an evening of fun times with the new theatre group – and all that was just yesterday! Over the weekend I was shopping like mad! And I’m happy to say that it was not for me, otherwise I’d be having an extremely bad case of guiltiness. Yep, all the shopping was for Christmas…and I’ve still got a lot to do. However, I’m being even more crafty than last year. (Last year, I made jewellery pieces as part of friends’ presents…)
There’s a lovely programme on TV at the moment (or it could be finished now…not sure) called Kirstie’s Homemade Home, and there’s some lovely, innovative ideas for things to make for your home. I watched one episode of it…and I fell in love with pretty much everything she made! One thing I’m definitely going to be making is some Vinyl bowls… Basically (and I was shocked when she did this, as I love music so much) you take a Vinyl record…place it over a mug…and bung it in the oven for however long (you’ll have to check on Channel 4′s website for the exact instructions, as I can’t remember)…and ta da, you have your very own Vinyl bowl. You can imagine my shock at the fact that she melted the poor Vinyl!! But after a while I realised that it’s pretty cool I’m going to browse through some cheap records in Camden and make a few bowls for my Dad and my smelly boy. Another thing she made in that episode was a beanbag…with pockets for things like the TV remote, gaming consols, magazines etc. I seem to be getting obsessed with crafty things to make at the moment! I’ve gone and brought a few books to do with homemade ideas 2011 definitely looks like it’ll be an extremely crafty year.
We got the decorations out tonight…but I was the only one bothering to get it started! I’ve built the tree…but everyone else was more content to sit and watch TV…so I’m going to resume tomorrow morning! Oh, I absolutely love putting the decorations up – one of the best things about the festive season for me. I also really like thinking about presents and buying things that I think they’ll really love! Christmas isn’t necessarily about how much you spend, I feel it’s more about the thoughtfulness of the presents and making Christmas magical. It’s probably true that it’s better when there are children around, as they lend that magical feel to the holiday, but you can still create it yourself. It’s going to be an interesting one this year, as the big sis is off to Edinburgh with her man…making this year the first Christmas without her. However, the smelly boy is coming round on Christmas Eve and will be here for Christmas morning…then he’s going home to his family, whilst we have one of my Mum’s sisters and her children (big children, 18 and 20 year olds) coming round for the afternoon/evening. It’ll certainly be different but it’s sure to be fun.
It doesn’t matter how much money you have, I just feel that Christmas is about surrounding yourself with the people you love and celebrating in a jolly good way Hope you’re all getting excited in the run up…and remember, don’t get stressed – life is too short! Just enjoy it
Hello…once again, it’s been a while! I don’t know why I keep neglecting this poor blog, it’s done nothing to deserve this treatment from me! I keep thinking of a good blog post…and it’s normally as I’m drifting off to sleep at night, and I tell myself: “I must remember to post that tomorrow…” and lo and behold, tomorrow comes and I’ve forgotten about it all! I’ve said this before, but I’m gonna try and break this non-blogging habit I’ve got myself into! Uh huh. Yes I am. (Let’s see how long I last for this time.)
Right, so…what’s happened in this absence? To summarise it all:
Generally, I think things are going fairly well at the moment Although, on a bad note, I had my first car accident yesterday! Whoops! It was only a minor accident…but it was the first one I’ve had (touch wood no more) and it just shocked me, more than anything. It’s so true that just a split second is all it takes. Just one little look out of the side window, then you look back at the road…BAM! Too late. It just served to remind me that I need to concentrate ALL-THE-TIME! There’s not really any room for errors on the road :s nope. Oh dear, at least it was minor, no injuries, just knocked the bumper of the car in front…
Hope everyone is getting into the festive spirit…tis the season to be jolly! (And I promise, I’ll try not to be absent for so long again.)
Yup. It’s official. I hate January. It’s the one month of the year when the majority of people are low, broke and just generally miserable. A time when some may find themselves questioning what they want to do…what they want out of life…
Well, I’m just looking forward to February now, I honestly can’t wait! It seems as if January has been dragging on for what feels like ages, with the end of the month seeming a long way off… I think I’ve probably had more lows than highs this month, so I’ll be glad to see the back of it! At least for another year! It’s the month when after all the excitement of the festive season, everyone slumps down into a stupor of lowness. Unless you have something great to look forward to, the month turns into a very boring month. Or at least, that’s the way I see it.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve tried to fill the month with interesting and fun things…but apart from a few occasions, not a lot of greatness has occurred. I feel like…BAH HUMBUG. So yeah, there you have it. I hate JANUARY. And I would like FEBRUARY to begin…as soon as possible. Thank you.
I think I need a kick up the backside to get me back into motion…any offers…?
…thick socks;
hot chocolate;
sparkle;
parties;
love;
joy;
fun;
blankets;
plentiful chocolate;
terry’s chocolate orange;
stockings;
mulled wine – yuk;
ROSE wine – yum;
cakes;
CUPcakes;
presents;
Christmas trees;
baubles;
wrapping up warm;
walking in a Christmas Wonderland;
SNOW!
Well, how better to have a good ol’ catch up?! And, if you’re reading this, hope you had a lovely meal with your lovely mother tonight – and hope you gave her a hug and the socks!
Recently, I’ve been feeling a little lost, without a clue as to why, really. But, after a little bit of thinking, I’ve realised that I was really missing some friends, some a lot…and hadn’t been getting much from them recently in terms of texts/emails/hello’s… I hate that gap when you don’t keep in touch much…especially if they’re close friends. I guess one of the things I hate about being deaf is the fact that I can’t pick up the phone and have nice long chats with friends/family, despite so desperately wanting to sometimes. And I never thought that it might be possible for some people to hold that against me, but I guess some just don’t think that much. I would love to hear certain people’s voices on the phone, and the year at uni…away from home…it would’ve been so much easier if I could have just picked the phone up to speak to my mother…or the boy…or friends…but no. And the fact that YOU seem to be holding that against me, now, of all times…words are failing me, to be honest. How much CAN I be there for you, if you keep shutting me out?
Ah, but yes, catching up is lovely. And catching up with cupcakes is lovely too. Not the actual cupcakes, although they are nice, but friends, over cupcakes! Had a lovely cupcake yesterday, from the one and only Ella’s Bakehouse in Covent Garden…and then walked around with a cup of tea – not very practical, especially if it doesn’t have a LID. Oh well, you do learn from your mistakes! Caught up with another good friend today…the one whose mother I got socks for! She’s off to Germany on Tuesday for Christmas, lucky lady. And another good friend has just jetted off to Vienna today. Why are all my friends leaving the country?! Especially when it’s SNOWING?! It looks like there’s a very likely chance that it’ll be a white Christmas – fingers crossed.
And now, I’m too cold to type properly, so I’m off to find something to warm me and my fingers…ciao. Enjoy the snow, if you’ve got it.
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