Life, and other things.

Hey y’all!

Sorry for doing a little disappearing act on you over the last week! Seems like I’ve just been sucked up by life, and it’s only today that I’ve actually stopped – although, having said that, I do have a list of things I need to get done today, but one of them is “BLOG”…so, y’know. Life has been good, though. Ever get that feeling when things are going right and slotting into place? Yeah. I feel like that. And the best thing about life right now? Living each day as it comes. It makes me so much more alert and aware of my surroundings when I live this way.

What have I been up to?

• Saturday, I met up with a good friend from the first year of University, and it was lovely to see her and catch-up. We had coffee…and wandered around Tate Modern and SouthBank…one of my favourite things to do in London – which reminds me, I need to carry on with the 100 Things I Love About London series…
• Monday, I spent the day with the boy, and we went to a subtitled screening of Avengers Assemble (The Avengers)…we loved it. Definitely one to go and see…
• Tuesday, I met up with a lovely lady who works with children, and taught her to sign a song, which she is then going to teach to the children she works with. It was a lovely experience, and great to meet someone new!
• Wednesday, at Handprint, we had the first rehearsal for Something’s Gotta Give. It felt so exciting to put our ideas into motion and start seeing the production develop… You can see the post I did about it on the Handprint Blog, here.
• Thursday, yesterday, I spent the day editing photographs and then last night had another Handprint rehearsal…
• Reading, reading, reading…and still got more reading to do!

That rounds us up to now…and I’ve still not had time to sit down and sort through my 365 photos…rest assured, I haven’t given up, I just haven’t had time with them at the computer. It’s on my list for today, though. Life is about to get busy again, as tomorrow I start working with the inclusive theatre group again, working with children every Saturday.

It’s all good.

Summer is on the way, I turn 23 in 2 weeks, life is ebbing and flowing in harmony. Looking back to this point last year, when I was grieving over losing so much hearing, and feeling confused over a break-up of a “close” friendship; well, I am extremely grateful to be where I am today. Over the summer, last year, through counselling, I learnt to harness the power of positive thinking and moving my life forward in the way I want it to go. I am a firm advocate of the attitude of “life is what you put into it”. When you put yourself out into the world, you will reap the benefits. It’s scary, at times, and it involves going out of your comfort zone, but that forces you to grow and learn as a person. Yes, it’s all good.

So, hold tight, you’re about to be swamped with a backlog of 365 photos!

How has life been treating y’all?

Big hugs, and lots of love,

Sarah xxx

My Path.

Over the last few days, I’ve noticed that quite a few people I know are coming to the end of their academic years. Some are finishing for the year, and returning in September, whereas others are finishing their degrees; dusting it off and perhaps moving away from education. They’re celebrating. Maybe some are feeling slightly scared and nervous, but most will not admit it, at least not on Facebook. That’s what I’ve noticed. Often, you will see many happy Facebook statuses, for the most part, a lot of us are trying to keep up the appearance that we are leading a happy life. Hell, even I’m guilty of that, especially on Facebook. It’s okay, though; I would much rather only reveal the good things, and perhaps a little gripe here and there, rather than bearing my soul on Facebook – it’s not what I use it for. I will “bare my soul” to my friends, those who are closest to me, but not my entire Facebook friend list, not any more.

Back to the point, went off a little there! Many seem to be moving along now, or celebrating the end of the academic year, and to be honest, I feel a little odd. This last year, I’ve taken off from study. I needed a bit of a breather, and I also wasn’t entirely sure which way to go next. The people I love are urging me to continue with my studies, and yes, I will be, but I’m returning slightly to where I was this time last year. I’m returning to that feeling of “who am I doing this for?” and “what is my aim?”. At times, it seems as if it is others who are pushing me to get my degree, and not so much myself. Then there’s the aim thing. Then I will be rational, and think, well, no, I AM doing this for me, I will be the one who will benefit from having a degree. I guess it’s partly due to the whole Open University thing; you are doing it alone, because whilst you might be able to meet with others in your tutor group, and you have the support of your tutor for the year…ultimately, you don’t actually have a physical place where you go for lectures, tutorials or to meet your fellow students. It is you, your books, the course materials and the work you produce. Sometimes I find my thoughts straying, and wondering what it would have been like if I had chosen to return to a “conventional” university, with lectures, fellow students…and a student bar (the boy loves his student bar)! Perhaps I would have been able to have a little support group around me, and those friendships. Those friendships that are meant to last for life.

Then I think back a bit, and remember why I left “conventional” university in the first place; it wasn’t for me, and allowed me no time to focus on anything other than university work. Whilst that was just one course, and not the right one for me, at the time it put me off wanting to try another one. Which is why I ended up with the Open Uni. To be fair, it was the right choice at the time, but I’ve just chosen to follow a slightly harder path, because the only motivator in all this is myself. There are days when I can’t be bothered, and end up not sticking to the tasks I set myself, which leads to the work building up. However, I am in a clearer position now than I was over the first two years with the Open Uni, and feel better able to be strict with myself. If I follow the path I want to go down, I will need to learn how to divide my time appropriately and motivate myself. Sure, there will still be days when I might not do what I had set out to do, but they will be other days where I will hopefully go above and beyond what I had set out to achieve. I know that in order to reach my potential, I need to do this.

To reach my potential, I need to finish my degree. I need to be able to be sitting here in a couple of years time, and write about how I am at that finishing point. That celebratory point. Perhaps that should be my aim. If I can see myself graduating, then I will get there. If I can see myself doing well, then you can bet that I will put the hard work in. And then I will do a happy status about how I finished that assignment, and am ready for the weekend! But for now, I will make some plans, and do some (non-academic!) work. I will keep moving forward.

“I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.” 
~ The Road Not Taken, Robert Frost

The Important Things.

What is important in life? It may be different for most of us, but there will likely be similarities; companionship, health, happiness, amongst a few. Over the weekend, I spent some time with close friends of Merritt Butrick; whilst he passed away in 1989, I could still feel the sense of pain they felt in the fact that he is not here anymore. They had tender memories and recollections to share. Merritt is still here, he goes with them wherever they go.

It made me think about my own friendships, about how much I cherish them and appreciate them. The people in my life are very special, and over time, I’d like to share them with you via Stars and Rainbows, either through photographs, antidotes, or through guest blog posts. The ones who are still with me today are the ones who are likely to stick with me through all the highs and lows in life; we have weathered the storms thus far, and have learnt how to dance in the rain, rather than complain. I love that.

After going through my own personal storm last year, I have come through it with positivity, and I would much rather acknowledge all the little things in life, all the things that are important, with a positive mind, than focus on the things that have gone wrong that day, or be too sceptical and pessimistic to value the good things in life. Whilst it is hard, at times, to keep a smile on your face, if you simply change the way you think, you can bring sunshine back into your life. And, if not sunshine, then at least you can learn to dance (and sing) in the rain, because, let me tell you, that is just as fun.

I have a wonderful friend, who has been with me since I was around 15 or 16, and I think over the years, we have learnt a lot from one another. We listen. We share. We give our experiences, in the hope that it will help the other. Coffee dates are aplenty. This friend sent me her answers to the questions I posted a little while back, and I thought it would be nice to share them with you all. From her answers, you can get a sense of what is important to her.

1. What is the one thing that makes you happiest, each day?
Hearing the words “I love you”

2. What is your biggest dream?
It sounds really Stepford wife-y but my dream is to have a beautiful house where the door is always open to family and friends, children and a husband who loves me.

3. If you could meet your 16-year-old self, what advice would you give to her/him?
To listen to others advice but not take it as gospel. Follow your heart sometimes and do what you feel is right not what others tell you is right. Also that you are perfect the way you are and that someday soon others will love you for it.

4. What is your most prized possession?
My camp blanket. It has my whole guiding history on it and is the thing that I would save in a fire.

5. What did school teach you?
I loved school which is probably why I want to teach. I think it probably taught me too many things to list here but no doubt I will look back on my own schooling a lot when it comes to teaching.

6. What has life, thus far, taught you?
Everything happens for a reason, even the really shit things. Just hang on in there and your luck will change.

7. How would you describe your style?
I would love to say I have one but I fear I do not. I wish I had the courage to wear the clothes I love everyday but I don’t yet know if I have the gutso to pull them off down the aisles of Tesco.

8. What is your favourite thing about blogging?
I love reading magazines and blogs are like magazines but they just get updated far more regularly.

9. What is your favourite meal? Describe it, in a way that will make the reader want it.
My favourite meal would be a Moroccan banquet on a rooftop in Marrakech. I would be able to feel the sun on my back and hear the hustle and bustle of the djemaa el fna square interspersed with the call to prayer. I would drink freshly squeezed orange juice and eat warm bread with dip and salad whilst waiting for my tagina to arrive onto the table in a cloud of smoke. The warm aroma of the cumin and other spices would hit you as you served the deep brown tagina onto the pale yellow couscous. I would finish with sickly sweet baklava and other sweets whilst the sun set over the Koutoubia Mosque.

10. Imagine you are off on an adventure, and you need to pack a bag of food. What will your picnic consist of?
A hybrid of afternoon tea and Greek meze. Lots of dips and olives followed by cake galore!

11. What is the one thing that you wish everyone could understand?
That everyone is different and that it’s OK. I also wish people would be freer to say “I don’t know a lot about that subject please tell me more about it” rather than talk with authority about things they have no idea about because they are afraid to seem silly.

I hold these answers close to my heart, because it is a glimpse into the lovely mind of my friend. We might not talk as often as we’d like, but when we do, it all slots into place, and we can spill the news that we have been excitedly waiting to tell. Each of my friendships are different, but no less important than each other, they are equal. Why? Because each of my friends add something different to my life, something unique. The friend above, she gives me calm and clarity, a sense of direction if I ever feel slightly off-track, and lots and lots of giggles. She gives me a different life to hear about, to learn about. That’s important, in life, to learn about others, to hear stories from other lives, that teach you that really, we’re all intersected. Our lives touch others, in some way or another, big or small. Sometimes in a good way, sometimes in a bad way; but we can learn from it all.

For me, I feel like life is one big journey, made up of lots of adventures and lessons to learn. It’s a chance to grow. A chance to explore. I am 22, and I am only just starting to discover what it is that I want to do in life, yet, it’s still slightly unclear. This is okay. Whilst a year or two ago, I felt extremely on edge and uneasy about the fact that I didn’t know what I wanted to do, today it is okay. I feel relaxed. I am starting to do what I love, and love what I do. It involves working with children, it involves performing, it involves writing, and it involves taking lots and lots of photographs. Some day soon, I am sure, I’ll be able to describe what I do. I’ll be able to give my “work” a name, a description. But for now? I am still having fun trying to find that description.

What is important? To me? Love; family, friends, the boy, the love you can share with strangers, simply by smiling at them. Creativity; through photography, baking, crafting, performing. Exploring; travelling, learning, discovering new things. The most important things to me are the little things in life; I believe that all the little things add up to make the big picture. Each day, I try to find and appreciate the little things, whether that be a cup of tea, a text from a friend, or spending some time with our cat, every little thing is important.

If you want, feel free to answer the questions above; your answers will probably give us a peek into your life and the way you think. Sharing is becoming something great. If you answer on your blog, leave a comment below, or leave your answers in the comments.

The whole time I have been writing this, it has been tipping buckets of rain down outside, but now the sunshine is trying to break through the clouds; I love Spring weather like this, it resembles life. I hope you are having a lovely Wednesday, remember to let sunshine into your life.

A photograph from last summer, when I was learning to let the sunshine back into my life.

Unfamiliar

Lately, there have been many thoughts rushing through my mind. Different thoughts. Things that I am not used to. They’re not always bad thoughts, just…unfamiliar. Things have been different recently; different good, and different bad. The good: lots of work projects, working with great people, feeling close to the boy, things slotting into place. The bad: detachment from special people, feeling lonely, bad luck hitting those I love. We all know that there is a gentle balance in life, a balance between the good and the bad, and it is down to us how much the bad things take a grip on our lives, it is down to us to pick ourselves up and carry on. This last week has been like that. The last few weeks, even.

At times, I don’t always know who to talk to anymore. Or, rather, the people who were the ones I would always talk to…don’t seem to be here. Sure, one of my closest friends happens to be far away, in India right now…! I miss her. I miss the talks we would have on Facebook, I miss getting notifications from her. Being deaf, I have to find different ways to connect to the people in my life; so although I’ve not always been the greatest fan of Facebook (I went AWOL for half of last year!), it is a great way to keep in touch with some people in your life. So, I am already missing one friend, and when one person is missing, it’s like a chair leg disappearing. Another close friend refers to her friends as her chair legs; she has four, good, constant friends, and they are all her life support, in a way, and, sorry Lizzie, I like stealing that metaphor! Attempting to go through these new adventures in my life, without one of my chair legs? It’s hard. There is so much I want to tell her, so much I want to share…I want to see what she will say…I want to be excited with her. But I also hope that she is having some great adventures of her own in India.

It is unfortunate that another of my chair legs is missing at the moment. Life gets busy. I know that full well. But sometimes it’s good to share that with your friends, to release the burden, to laugh. That is essential. And, right now, that is missing from my life. So, my four chair legs (more or less) are down to two. I am seeing the original chair leg (ha, get it…if you make the metaphor, you are the original…sorry, sorry, not that funny…?) tonight, so maybe I’ll be able to borrow some good words from her. Lizzie is the friend who always seems to be a little older, a little wiser, even though she is only around 6 months older than me. Perhaps it’s because she’s one of my only friends who went away from home for University? When you’re away from home, your experiences shape you, and sometimes you have to grow up a little quicker. That’s not to say that we don’t still have moments when we’re together…when we can be kids again! Just, I know that if I talk to her about anything…more often than not, she will have words of wisdom to make it seem right again. It’s good to have a friend like that. It was Lizzie who told me, when I was being indecisive about staying at Uni, or leaving, to do what would make me happy, because it’s my life. I remember reading that text. I read it in Manchester, in July 2009. It helped. It made me smile.

The boy has said that this week, he has really learnt to value the people in his life. He appreciates all that they do for him. The people we surround ourselves with, well, they are the ones who keep us going. They know what to say. They know what to do. They know how to make you smile again. That’s important, and that is why I feel quite sad, inside, that I can’t do that for some people at the moment. It never does good, in life, to focus too much on yourself, on your own problems, on your own little world, because you’re then forgetting about the other people in your life…and when people genuinely want to be there for you, when they want to be in your life…why shut them out? It will only make you lonely, sad. Friends help to lighten the load on your shoulders, they have the right words (most of the time), they have the perfect ingredients to make you smile, laugh, cry, even. It’s good to cry sometimes. If you’re reading this, I miss you, tiger.

I have been smiling. I have been keeping busy. I have been doing what I love, and loving what I do. I have a feeling that I am going in the right direction. So, even though it may seem unfamiliar…that’s okay. The things that aren’t quite right in my life right now, well, I’m sure that with a few cups of tea, they can be right again. I just don’t know when those cups of tea will be made. Not right now. Soon, I hope. But…for now…I have a (fake) sunflower, pretty pictures, quotes, teacups with candles in them, spider-diagrams, to-do lists, and my own cup of tea…and it’s all in the comfort of my own room. I will make today productive. This will be a good day. My advice to you? Go in an unfamiliar direction, and make it sparkle.

On the brink…

That breathlessness is still present. I am standing on the brink of a whole new world, or so it seems. Having made a mental decision, I now feel the need to make it a physical decision, one that will involve changing some of my priorities around. It means that the next few months might be thrown into a bit of a turmoil, and it’ll either be really, really good…or really hard. That is what is throwing me a little here; I feel happy, but ever so cautious. I feel excited, but ever so slightly scared. A real mixed bag full of emotions. Not complaining, not at all…just feeling like I’m small, in comparison to the world of people out there.

Small can be good, though; it means I can quietly work on my own dreams, and grow them…and then take them out to the world when I feel ready. Perhaps that is the way to do it? I have no training in photography, everything I know is pretty much self-taught from years of experiment, books, the internet and admiring other photographers’ work; and I feel as if I need to learn some things in an educational establishment – although, that’s not necessarily a requirement. Not everything needs a qualification. Steve Jobs didn’t have a degree, and look what he went on to create. Now, that, that was, and is, breathtaking. Really and truly. One of my favourite photographers, Alex Beadon, has a degree…and photography was not her degree subject. I can definitely see the worth of degrees, and qualifications, but I can also see many people succeeding without a degree in the field of work that they go into, and that is okay too. It is all inspiring, and it’s all about what works for you. That means, then, that I need to figure out what will work for me.

Of course, I will be continuing to work towards my degree with the Open University; I go back to study in September. The only question is whether I feel the need to gain some qualifications within photography. The other thing is whether doing photography professionally will kill the passion I have for it. There are lots of questions, and if I wanted, I could kill this dream right here and now…because I could think myself out of it. That has happened before. I’ve been put off by the instability, by the fact that there is a chance I will become fed up of photography and no longer want to do it in my spare time, and the way that I’ve let the thought of “what will people think?” get in the way of what I really want. It is far easier to say “no” to your dreams. It is safe. But I don’t want to be safe anymore. I’ve started to taste what life could be like if I follow my dreams, and this is one dream that is very strong, yet perhaps it’s the strongest dreams that are the hardest to follow?

Being on the brink is a scary place. You’re looking into the future, but it’s dark. It’s dark because you’ve yet to put the light on, yet to make any plans and the only idea you have is in your head. The real challenge is getting those ideas out, and onto paper…and then you can begin to start planning. It sounds so grown up. When you’re young, you have plenty of dreams, and some of them change from day to day; then you grow up and you narrow it down, and one or two will become your life…in some cases, people don’t follow their dreams. They become buried in their memories, in their past. It’s sad, but sometimes it’s just the way it is. That’s not to say they’re not happy…I just guess sometimes our priorities change a lot as we become “adults”. I am determined, though, to make this come through, to see it through. Wow. I’m surprising myself. Once I started to dream on Friday…I’ve become more and more certain that this is what I want. In that respect, I am so happy; I catch myself smiling, I feel pure happiness inside.

Where do I go? Where do I go now? Where do I go? Maybe Guns N’ Roses have the answer? Maybe not. When I have the answer, I will let you know…

She’s got a smile that it seems to me
Reminds me of childhood memories
Where everything was as fresh as the bright blue sky

Now and then when I see her face
She takes me away to that special place
And if I stare too long, I’d probably break down and cry

Whoa, oh, oh, sweet child o’ mine
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, sweet love of mine

She’s got eyes of the bluest skies
As if they thought of rain
I’d hate to look into those eyes and see an ounce of pain

Her hair reminds me of a warm, safe place
Where as a child I’d hide
And pray for the thunder and the rain to quietly pass me by

Whoa, oh, oh, sweet child o’ mine
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, sweet love of mine

Whoa, oh, oh, oh, sweet child o’ mine
Oh, oh, oh, oh, sweet love of mine

Whoa, oh, oh, oh, sweet child o’ mine
Ooh, sweet love of mine

Where do we go?
Where do we go now?
Where do we go?

Where do we go?
Where do we go now?
Oh, where do we go now?

Where do we go?
Where do we go now?
(Sweet child)
Ooh, where do we go now?

Where do we go?
Oh, where do we go now?
Oh, where do we go ?

Where do we go now?
Where do we go?
Oh, where do we now?

Now now now now now now now
Sweet child, sweet child o’ mine

Nostalgia and the Future

Tonight, I was at the beloved theatre company (again, twice in one day…?), and it seems that for the last couple of years, I’ve had mixed emotions whenever I’m there. As I posted on Tumblr:

“The ‘shed, where a large chunk of my childhood was spent. Where I grew up. Where I learnt to include everybody, no matter who they are. Where I learnt that my deafness does not define me. Where I learnt to throw labels out of the window.

It’s difficult, sometimes, to go back as a visitor, just to see a show or to see my mum, because I’m reminded of all the memories. There are so many stories inside of those walls, so many tears, and countless smiles, and they all make up that glorious time that was my childhood; and now…? Now it is different. There’s a whole new generation of children, new students, unfamiliar faces.

Of course, there are many faces I still know, and love, and many of them belong to the staff, whom I have known for what seems like forever. They watched me grow up, they helped me along the way. There is a part of me that misses it, but there’s the other part of me that feels uncomfortable and out of place, and that was never the point of the ‘shed. It’s a place where you should be accepted, welcome, and never isolated. That, after all, is what inclusive theatre is all about. That is what I learnt. That is how I strive to live my life.

Perhaps one day, I will return to the ‘shed…I just don’t know when. I guess, if, and when, if ever, the time is right. You’ve got to do what is best for you, and I need to allow myself the time and space to grow into who I need to be. But the lessons I learnt, and the ethos of that special place, well, they’ll never leave me. They’re rooted in me, they’re in my blood.

That magical place. That special old Chickenshed.”

(That’s another piece of my identity, right there…since I’ve revealed my face, I’m not as scared to reveal the other parts of my life now. And Chickenshed…that’s the name of the beloved theatre company. It’s the place that I was lucky enough to grow up within, and I know that some of my readers might have heard of it before; well, yep, that’s the magical place.)

As much as I love the place, I also know that I need to keep facing forward, and right now, I need to be free. I need to be able to commit to things that will help me find my footing as an “adult”. I need to explore what it really is that I want to do, because I am still not completely sure. There’s nothing wrong with that, not at all, but I feel like I really want something to aim towards now; a solid goal, a path that I can follow. You see, for some people, following the wind, and seeing where life takes them…well it suits them, but for me…? I need to know where I’m heading, at least roughly; because even if I don’t reach the destination, I will at least know what the journey is for, and I can enjoy the journey so much more if I can see the purpose in it.

I did another post on Tumblr tonight:

“What makes me excited about the day ahead, each and every day? Besides from the people in my life…it has to be the act of taking photographs. However, I have always been a bit wary of pursuing photography as a dream; and just now, I was looking through the photographs of Theo Gosselin…and something inside of me was set on fire. It’s a little fire, but it’s one that I predict will turn into a blaze. Maybe this is what I need to follow? Maybe I should just follow my heart, and not worry so much any more? Maybe I can do this…? Following your dreams is scary; so, so scary, but I feel like I owe it to myself to at least try, right? I am 22, and for the last few years, I’ve been a little lost; but it’s always been that I feel at my most comfortable when I have a camera in my hand, so…what am I waiting for? I need to follow my own advice…”

So much to think about right now. I feel like I have unearthed some deep rooted memories and dreams from within myself, and all in the space of one day. Sometimes you need to take a good look at yourself, and take note of all the things you are good at; for example, I know that I have a way with words, and it’s always been something I’ve liked to do…play with words, write scripts and stories…and I know that I have an eye for photography, which is another thing that I’ve loved since I was fairly young. My Pop (my Mum’s Dad) was a keen photographer, and it was one of his main hobbies; and I feel like he’s passed it down to me. A few years back, my Granny gave me my Pop’s SLR camera…and I feel so grateful that I have this as part of my possessions; it is a huge connection to my Pop. He left this world when I was 6, but I remember him, and I remember the special, lovely relationship we had; so to have something that he treasured so much, it keeps him in my heart.

I do not know if I will follow photography professionally, but I can at least keep the memory of my Pop alive, by continuing to pursue my own love of photography. I can continue to write, by fusing my words together right here, on this blog. I can keep threading my photography and my words together, to create narratives; something I will be doing for each and every day of this year. There is so much that I can do, right now, and I know that I must keep on doing all of this. For although I do not know exactly where I am heading, I know I must be on the right track if everything I am doing now is keeping me happy, inspired, energised…excited for the next day.

Perhaps it’s something in the air, perhaps it’s the fact that Spring is so near…but I am feeling so…so…I don’t know…renewed, maybe? Fresh? Motivated and creative, and holding all this hope in my hands, and facing forward with a big sense of expectation. I know that it will deliver. It will deliver because I have to do it myself, and that means that I am holding the reins, and I get to choose where I’m going. Giddy up, it’s going to be one hell of a ride.

January…

So, I think I might have a small case of the January blues confusion… Here’s what I wrote a little while ago on my Tumblr: “The last few days, I’ve been feeling sad. Not sad, as in upset, because nothing has happened; but just a feeling I can’t seem to shake. It lingers. It sits in my chest, and won’t leave. I can go a few hours, and not feel this way, but then in the evening, it comes back. I know this is not depression, not at all, because after being in the depths of depression more than once, I know it when I feel it. Just don’t know what this is though; I’d say maybe January blues, but they’re easy to shake, or are they? Rah. Leave me alone, sadness, I don’t want you or need you.” Now, I’m not completely sure why I’m feeling this way, as I said. It is just sticking with me, despite the fact that I have been keeping fairly busy, and seeing people who colour my world with happiness. Mostly, it’s the moments when I’m alone that I have been feeling like this, moments when it is just me, and no one else.

Interesting; when I’m with the boy, this feeling evaporates, at least for a little while. Then in the evening, when we’re getting ready for bed, it sneaks back. Why? It’s pointless. However, for logic’s sake, I know that there must be a reason that I’m feeling this way…right? Surely, there must be. What has happened over the last few days? I’ve seen the boy, I’ve seen an old friend, a close friend…I’ve even bought some food colouring, ready for making a rainbow cake. (I’ll post the pictures of that, when I actually do it.) So…? I’m guessing it possibly is the January blues, that and the fact that I was away last week, so a bit of post-holiday blues, mixed in with missing the boy, which is never fun. Always miss the boy more when we’ve spent a lot of time together; last week was bliss. It’s rare that we spend that much time together, every day, and night, with just the two of us. We both live with our respective families, firstly because it’s cheaper than renting out and secondly because we honestly can’t afford to live out.

On Monday, when I met up with my old friend, I opened up a bit more to him, and told him more about things surrounding my family. Some of it has been hard to deal with as I was growing up; there is an issue in my family, that doesn’t go away, and it rears it’s big, ugly head from time to time. It’s not something that I open up easily about, and I don’t talk about it a lot, because if I did, I’d forever be down about it. Instead, I feel stronger now; it’s more a case of getting on with it, and living my own life, because there is only so much I can do for other people. However, I don’t think it is this that has been making me sad this week. Meh.

Perhaps when the year gets going more, things will fall into place? Right now, things are still a little up in the air, and I’m still finding my feet in terms of what I want to do. All I need to do, though, is remember that this is a journey, and that wherever this path takes me, it will be exciting. Of course, there will be bumps in the road along the way, but for the most part, it is a huge adventure. And, oh boy, I do like adventures. I love adventures. Which means, really, I have nothing to worry about. There is no point in worrying about things; worry only makes something little grow into something massive, needlessly. Worry not.

Maybe all I need is a day to myself. A day where I can focus on me, as selfish as that may sound, because we do actually need to look after ourselves. We’re no use to other people if we aren’t looking after ourselves. Life is beautiful; I need a day to call my own, so that I can sit up and take notice of all the beautiful things in life. I will banish this sadness, whatever it is; January blues? Still not sure. It will pass. I’ll do my happy things tomorrow, and it will pass. Forgive my late night post, they are often the posts that are the most therapeutic to me, but possibly not the best posts for you to read! Skip on to the happy posts…

365 is 366…

I began by calling the project my 365 Project; and after a few days, I realised that there are 366 days this year! So I might just keep 365 (since that is the trend of all the projects) or rename it my 366 Project…decisions… For now, I think I’ll stick with 365, and then I’ll see if I want to add the extra day on; or perhaps I’ll have that last day as my day off! After a year of taking photographs every day, I think I’ll need the rest! So, 365 or 366? Oh, Leap Year, the problems you bring!

Honestly, unless your birthday falls on the extra day in a Leap Year, or if you’re a lady planning to propose on that extra day, I don’t see much of a difference to the year. It’s still the same, the same things happen; or maybe that extra day sparkles just a little more than all the rest? I don’t know, I’ve never noticed it before, but maybe this year will be different?! How strange it must be, though, to have your birthday fall on that extra day – you only get a birthday every 4 years! Yikes. Makes me wonder how people celebrate it every year? Hmmm…

This has turned into a little old ramble post, so I’ll get on with what I was intending to do, and post the last few days worth of photographs! Happy Sunday to you all.

Positive Minds.

With a positive mind, you can lead your way forward on this bumpy road called life in a much clearer way than with a negative mind. I would know, because I’ve tried both, and it’s not easy with a negative mindset. Of course, there are times in life when you just feel so down in the dumps about everything, but you need to recognise that more often than not, it is your thoughts about one thing affecting everything else in your life.

Say, you’ve had a bad day; one thing went wrong, and from that moment on, everything else that happened that day was bad, simply because you had the wrong mindset. You got splashed with rainwater when a car went past; you’re soaked and it’s not time to go home yet. Sure, it sucks, but depending on where you’re going, there’s a chance that the people at your destination might offer to help you dry off. If not, you’re your own best friend, so, annoying as it is, shrug it off, keep going, and be a good friend – help yourself dry off. It was just a bit of bad luck, but it doesn’t mean the rest of the day is going to be rubbish too!

But it just goes to show how the way we think about things can be a really powerful thing. You can use it to your advantage. Mentally reward yourself, if you need it. Set yourself targets, and when you’ve achieved them, treat yourself. Face each day with a smile, and it’ll take you far. Some days you might not always want to jump out of bed, but remind yourself of all the good things, no matter how small they seem, and appreciate them. There will be days when you do jump out of bed and you can’t wait to get the day started; let those days be your motivation. Give yourself some nice food in the morning, have a good drink, get your day off to the best possible start.

Today, what are you going to do? Are you going to smile and spread a little bit of positivism?

Anonymous, semi-anonymous, not anonymous…?

This blog, in the beginning, was completely anonymous. When I started, the only person I gave the address to was my sister, who also had her own blog. Then, as time went on, I began to give the blog to a few friends… If I began to trust someone and really get along with them, if it felt right, I would give them my blog. Now, it’s got to the point where I can’t exactly remember who has the blog address or not; but, honestly? I’m okay with that. In the beginning, yeah, I was a bit wary, and worried about what people would think. I also worried that if it wasn’t anonymous, then people would think bad of me for thinking in a certain way about things. However, now, I feel much more certain about who I am, and what I like, etc, so maybe that contributes to it a bit?

I began this blog when I was 19, and just before I started at University in Reading…so it was at the beginning of a big change, and a big adventure. That adventure changed along the way, but so have I. Maybe that is part of why I couldn’t stay in Reading; because the me who wanted to do the course, and wanted to go to that university, well, she changed a bit. I’m not talking about big, momentous change, no, I’m talking about the changes that mean you don’t want the same thing any more. I thought I wanted to be a teacher, I thought I’d be happy studying performing arts, I thought it would be a more deaf-aware course; all these things changed.

I no longer want to be a teacher, at least not at this point in my life; I’ve started to move away from the performing arts circle, at least in the sense of actually performing; and the course, deaf aware? No way. At least not whilst I was there. It was a real struggle to get some people to actually sign, to actually include others, and to actually make sure that EVERYONE in the class could understand what they were saying. After going from the beloved theatre company, to a university course that I presumed would be deaf-aware, well, my thoughts about certain things changed. Yes, although the theatre company is not perfect, they have the morals, they have the inclusive frame of mind, and that is more important than being perfect. If you strive to include others, no matter who they are, well, I think that is such a lovely quality to have. I get along with those kind of people; I don’t get along with people who only think about themselves, only want to get themselves ahead and don’t care at all about making things accessible for everyone.

Back to the point; to be anonymous, or not to be anonymous. Over the last year or so, I’ve lost a bit of that fear on here. I’ve started to post pictures that include me in them, but without revealing my face; and likewise, I’ve started to include pictures of people in my life in that way too. But would I go as far as posting pictures of us, with our faces in full view? Completely lose the anonymous feel? I don’t know. I suppose, there’s no harm in doing so, but it depends on whether I’d be happy with someone stumbling upon my blog, recognising me, and reading all my thoughts about this, that and everything. Because, you know, some of the things I talk about are rather personal. I have no problem with the majority of people reading all of this; but what if it was someone that I only know in passing, someone I’ve just met – they would know a hell of a lot more about me than I would about them. I know that a few old friends have the blog address, and we don’t speak any more, so I don’t know whether they still check up on the blog or not; but I don’t mind if they do. It was their choice to cut me out of their life, so if they still read all of this, then they’re hanging on to something that I’m now (finally) moving on from. As some people say, it’s their lost.

Maybe in the future, I’ll feel confident enough to make this blog un-anonymous; but for now, I think I feel more comfortable, more free, knowing that I have the power of deciding who gets to see it and who doesn’t get to see it. The last year has made me a lot more with-held, which is sad, but you start to realise that you need to protect yourself, protect your inner-circle. I’ve been hurt a lot this last year by people I deemed to be close friends, but I now realise they weren’t really close friends, because friends keep in touch, friends don’t make you feel neglected, and friends don’t make you feel bad without a good reason. It’s sad that some people don’t realise that; but, hey, there are many more people who DO realise that. But, for now, the most you will see of me is a snippet of my hair, my feet, the world through my eyes.