365: Day 137

The new Handprint office is lovely, and the window outside of our office has this view…aren’t we lucky?! It’s beautiful when the sun is setting…

365: Day 108

On Tuesday, after my rehearsal with Handprint, I decided to walk through the park after catching the tube and bus. I got off the bus a few stops early, and just walked, worshipped the sunshine, snapped away with my camera, and fed my heart some nature. Perhaps long commutes in London aren’t so bad if they can end in a walk through the park? I think I’ll do it more often.

Rain That Calms.

It was a long week, last week. I barely got a chance to stop. ’til today. Today is free. Today is wet. It’s been raining all day, but it’s not a bad thing, as we’re in drought, and need the rain. So I won’t complain. I don’t mind it, though, on a day when you need to take it slow, it’s quite fitting. It’s calming. This might be a short post, as I’m feeling the urge to take a walk around the park, with my umbrella, to breathe in the rain air, and just…be. Just be, with me. The weekend was busy, work busy, people busy; today, I want to be alone. Which is fine. You can’t surround yourself with people all the time, you would be doing yourself a disservice. You are just as good company for yourself as anyone else would be, so spend some time with you. Learn to be alone, and enjoy it.

Me? I’m off for my walk, with me, myself and I. Oh, and the umbrella. I will be back. Promise.

A Little Road Trip; Instagram Style.

As you probably already know, from my last post, the boy and I took a little trip to Brighton on Sunday. Here are the little glimpses into our day, via Instagram.

The last three days have been busy and hectic, with Handprint. Tuesday and Wednesday, we rehearsed, rehearsed, rehearsed. Today, we rose early, met at 6.45am, and I drove us all to Reading. We set up, got into costumes, and performed…and then relaxed. Watched the rain fall. Packed up. Then I drove us all back to London. Long, tiring day, but it was good. My Facebook status: “Laughing uncontrollably on the last leg of the drive home definitely means I’m tired, and all the nerves have finally tumbled out! Not sure if that Starbucks coffee did me good or bad?! Either way, good day. Happy times.” It was a good day. But I am happy to be home. I still haven’t caught up with all the photo editing, or my thoughts, but by the weekend, proper blogging will hopefully resume. Whatever “proper blogging” means?! I sincerely hope that you have all been having a good week, and I hope you have laughed, whether prompted, or not…like me. Seriously! I just suddenly started laughing, to the point of tears, and I think I worried the other two in the car with me…oh well, we didn’t crash, and that’s the main thing, right? Happy Thursday, big hugs.

365: Day 91

A leap for joy. On Saturday, at around 5pm, we had finished the first project as part of the inclusive theatre group. It was a lovely 6 weeks, challenging at times, but extremely rewarding. Looking forward to a few Saturdays that are free…and then hopefully throwing myself back into it next term. Reach for the stars…

365: Day 81

This was the exciting, special project that I’ve been involved with for the last few weeks. Handprint Theatre, which is the company I work with, were commissioned to facilitate two accessible workshops for deaf children, prior to their visits to the theatre. The theatre in question was the Lyceum Theatre, in London’s West End…where none other but The Lion King lives. It was a great experience, and the children seemed to gain so much from the workshops. Handprint is slowly but surely helping to make the world a more accessible place. If you want to read/see more from Handprint, then head over to the blog I set up, which chronicles the Handprint adventures.

Small Talk, Real Talk…

Small talk…it’s something that I’m not very good at. Real talk…? I think I’m okay at that, but it depends on the person I’m talking to. What do I mean by small talk and real talk? Small talk is the whole “How are you?” “I’m fine, thank you, how are you?” “Good. How is everything going? What are you doing with yourself at the moment?” “Erm, I’m…” and so on, you get the drift. It is, in my eyes, little conversations that people enter into when they bump into one another, or conversations at a party…and I am just a little rubbish at it. I don’t know what to say. I get nervous and flustered. Real talk…well, it’s talk that I consider to go deeper than the “How are you”s. It’s when I become engaged in a conversation that will involve both parties in a colourful, vivid exploration of whatever it is they are talking about. For me, it will often involve talking about aspects of our lives, but in detail, with a lot of pondering and questioning. It’s conversation in which the opposite party will respond to your questions about life, and join in with your ponderings. It is relaxed. It comes to life, but the atmosphere is relaxed. There is no pressure to be or behave in a certain way.

Recently, a lot of people have asked me “What are you doing at the moment?” and “Are you working?”. Both are questions that I’m not entirely sure how to answer. Do I say “Well…I’m working with a small, inclusive theatre group. I’m also working with another small, inclusive youth drama project, on Saturdays, helping with the workshops and teaching a lot of sign-language. I blog a lot. I’m a part time student, with the Open University, but I’m currently on a year out. Oh, and I’m also starting to think of getting into photography…but more professionally.” Phew. That’s a very long winded answer for a question that is fairly simple. Except, the thing is, I always had a feeling that I wouldn’t be happy with doing just one job. For the last few years, it has become more and more apparent that I am a lot happier when my day to day life is different, with new challenges and projects. The work that I am currently doing, is creative, and it gives me what I need. So, really, I should have expected the difficulty in answering that question. I could say I’m a “freelance theatre practitioner”, but I’m not. That’s not how I see myself. I could say I’m a “photographer”, and whilst that is partly true, I still don’t feel like I’m quite there yet – for example, I was asked the other day if I had a portfolio…and my answer was no. So where do I fit in? How do I describe myself and what I am currently doing? I often end up saying “I’m working, and I’m a part time student.” But more questions follow, and people want more details… Hmmm, just something that I’m going to have to work out.

Real talk? Oh, I love real talk. I love to sit with someone, with cups of tea, coffee…hot chocolate, mmm…and just have deep, and long conversations. About life. About relationships. About people and their natures. About this, that, and everything. Travels. What we want from life… Don’t you love those kind of conversations? They often happen with friends, but they can also happen with a kindred spirit, with someone who is on your wavelength. That has happened a few times lately; the best is on Saturdays. The old friend who set up the inclusive drama project for young people, well, we get along really well. When work is finished, and we’ve packed the car up, we’ll stand outside the school and have a long talk about anything and everything; seriously, anything goes. For the last few weeks, when this happens, we end up losing track of the time, laughing and talking…until it starts to get dark and we realise that we really ought to get a move on. Go home. Have cups of tea. Those Saturday talks are becoming legendary. Have you experienced that, though? A meeting of the minds, someone who is completely on your wavelength? It’s so lovely.

In a way, my blog is like that sometimes. It’s become a friend. Somewhere that I can explore my thoughts, and feel no pressure. I can be free. I hope that you all have something like that, because at times, I would go mad if it weren’t for my blog. The boy said to me the other day “I think you think too much, and I think you overthink. Maybe it’s because you blog so much, and it has made you think too much about the details in your life…?” Oh, boy. I had a bit of a discussion with him about that. He said this after I had been talking to him about people, and how I either feel relaxed with them or not relaxed at all…and he thought I was getting too focused on the little things that I should just brush off. It was over the weekend, and I hadn’t done a proper blog post (apart from 365 photos, and the like) for a while…and I said to him that blogging helps me to brush things off, it helps me to arrange my thoughts into the right pecking order and it’s a big release. After I’ve blogged, I feel like a big weight has been lifted, and I can focus again on the things that really matter. The little things. I feel that if I didn’t blog, I would not be so positive, or perhaps I would, but my thoughts would be rather cluttered. This blog is a big part of my life, and without it…I would feel lost. A little empty.

Life makes us closed, at times. We close off from people. We shy away from large groups. Sometimes, if you’re a shy person, or after a bad experience, we have to consciously make an effort to open ourselves up. It doesn’t always come naturally. That is why finding a kindred spirit, or engaging in deep conversation, well, it feeds our soul. It helps us to enjoy life. It reminds us that we are all the same, yet fundamentally different. It reminds us of the balance in life. And, let me tell you, life is good. It is all in the way you think about it. Let loose. Shake things off. Talk to people. Engage in good conversation, real talk… Small talk is fine, if you can do it well…but, if you’re like me, don’t worry about it. There are plenty of people in the same boat. And we can all feel the same way, moan about it, and then engage in the conversation that we love. Kid, don’t dwell on it. Just smile, laugh the awkwardness off…and move on.

365: Day 77

At work on Saturday, I was set the task of sharpening a bag of pencils…and I relished the task, because there were many, many colours. If half of the name of this blog is anything to go by…I love rainbows, and I love every colour of the rainbow…I was kept happily occupied for at least half an hour! I can sharpen a rainbow…

Unfamiliar

Lately, there have been many thoughts rushing through my mind. Different thoughts. Things that I am not used to. They’re not always bad thoughts, just…unfamiliar. Things have been different recently; different good, and different bad. The good: lots of work projects, working with great people, feeling close to the boy, things slotting into place. The bad: detachment from special people, feeling lonely, bad luck hitting those I love. We all know that there is a gentle balance in life, a balance between the good and the bad, and it is down to us how much the bad things take a grip on our lives, it is down to us to pick ourselves up and carry on. This last week has been like that. The last few weeks, even.

At times, I don’t always know who to talk to anymore. Or, rather, the people who were the ones I would always talk to…don’t seem to be here. Sure, one of my closest friends happens to be far away, in India right now…! I miss her. I miss the talks we would have on Facebook, I miss getting notifications from her. Being deaf, I have to find different ways to connect to the people in my life; so although I’ve not always been the greatest fan of Facebook (I went AWOL for half of last year!), it is a great way to keep in touch with some people in your life. So, I am already missing one friend, and when one person is missing, it’s like a chair leg disappearing. Another close friend refers to her friends as her chair legs; she has four, good, constant friends, and they are all her life support, in a way, and, sorry Lizzie, I like stealing that metaphor! Attempting to go through these new adventures in my life, without one of my chair legs? It’s hard. There is so much I want to tell her, so much I want to share…I want to see what she will say…I want to be excited with her. But I also hope that she is having some great adventures of her own in India.

It is unfortunate that another of my chair legs is missing at the moment. Life gets busy. I know that full well. But sometimes it’s good to share that with your friends, to release the burden, to laugh. That is essential. And, right now, that is missing from my life. So, my four chair legs (more or less) are down to two. I am seeing the original chair leg (ha, get it…if you make the metaphor, you are the original…sorry, sorry, not that funny…?) tonight, so maybe I’ll be able to borrow some good words from her. Lizzie is the friend who always seems to be a little older, a little wiser, even though she is only around 6 months older than me. Perhaps it’s because she’s one of my only friends who went away from home for University? When you’re away from home, your experiences shape you, and sometimes you have to grow up a little quicker. That’s not to say that we don’t still have moments when we’re together…when we can be kids again! Just, I know that if I talk to her about anything…more often than not, she will have words of wisdom to make it seem right again. It’s good to have a friend like that. It was Lizzie who told me, when I was being indecisive about staying at Uni, or leaving, to do what would make me happy, because it’s my life. I remember reading that text. I read it in Manchester, in July 2009. It helped. It made me smile.

The boy has said that this week, he has really learnt to value the people in his life. He appreciates all that they do for him. The people we surround ourselves with, well, they are the ones who keep us going. They know what to say. They know what to do. They know how to make you smile again. That’s important, and that is why I feel quite sad, inside, that I can’t do that for some people at the moment. It never does good, in life, to focus too much on yourself, on your own problems, on your own little world, because you’re then forgetting about the other people in your life…and when people genuinely want to be there for you, when they want to be in your life…why shut them out? It will only make you lonely, sad. Friends help to lighten the load on your shoulders, they have the right words (most of the time), they have the perfect ingredients to make you smile, laugh, cry, even. It’s good to cry sometimes. If you’re reading this, I miss you, tiger.

I have been smiling. I have been keeping busy. I have been doing what I love, and loving what I do. I have a feeling that I am going in the right direction. So, even though it may seem unfamiliar…that’s okay. The things that aren’t quite right in my life right now, well, I’m sure that with a few cups of tea, they can be right again. I just don’t know when those cups of tea will be made. Not right now. Soon, I hope. But…for now…I have a (fake) sunflower, pretty pictures, quotes, teacups with candles in them, spider-diagrams, to-do lists, and my own cup of tea…and it’s all in the comfort of my own room. I will make today productive. This will be a good day. My advice to you? Go in an unfamiliar direction, and make it sparkle.

365: Day 61

The sun came out to play yesterday, and I love those days when the sun is out. The sunshine casts a warm glow over life, and it feels as though people are more prone to smiling when the sunshine is present…so yay for the sun! It was a nice day yesterday, culminating with a trip to the West End with work…who says work can’t be fun? Most things I have done thus far have been fun, with the occasional stress thrown in; you’ve gotta keep yourself on your toes, y’know, tic for tac, fun has to be balanced with stress…otherwise, how would you ever appreciate the fun, if you had never known stress? It’s the balance of life…and without the clouds, we would probably not appreciate the sunshine as much as we do…