There is a profound difference for me between speaking my thoughts and writing them out. Throughout my life, I have always preferred the latter. It is not so much that it is easier, it just flows more naturally. Growing up I would try to find meaning in this; was it because I was deaf? No matter how many times I would be praised about my voice and it’s clarity, it did not change how I felt about speaking up. Although different now, I occasionally still have moments where my voice dulls to a quietness that cannot be deciphered by the listeners. I used to wonder at this a lot, and mostly put it down to shyness and a lack of confidence in certain situations. It is more than this, though, and it took me until the last few years to realise it; yes, I may have doubts in my speech ability (although I needn’t have any, I am told), it is more than just because of my deafness. Of course, being deaf plays a big part in it, but as with most things other factors are involved.
One of the biggest things I took away from 2014 is this: I am a very good communicator. Whether that be through speech, sign-language, the written word, my photography…or on the stage. I can effectively get complex meanings across to others, once I understand the complexity of the ‘thing’ myself. I have always wanted to change the world, through helping others. Yet at the very same time, I have often felt like I am a lost spirit. It is clear that I am not one to like being held down by anything, my heart wants to be free.
Another thing I have learnt is that if I believe in something enough, I will be committed to the cause wholeheartedly. When my heart starts to give up, that is when I need to listen to myself. My intuition is fierce. I will get a sense of unease about something, often before I am even aware what it is trying to tell me. The fight or flight instinct will kick in, and I will do whatever allows me to stay true to myself. When my deep-set morals are abused, and my sensitive heart is warning me that nothing can be changed…then I withdraw. The only thing you can do sometimes.
If you open your heart to all the things that life is offering to you, there is a lot that you will learn. If you remember to observe, you will see things for how they are. If you experience things with a genuine curiosity, life unravels itself to you in a myriad of ways.
Even though 2014 taught me something I have known with strong certainty for a long, long time, it was reaffirmed: life is hard, but oh so beautiful. It is up to each and every one of us, individually, to seek the beauty of life. To persist in this quest for beauty, even when we are having to say painful goodbyes to souls who are taken from our lives. To still believe it, when life is trying to drag you down. To carry on seeking the beauty in others, because you know in your heart that there is good in every person.
A friend said to me this week: ‘We all make our own choices.’ – and how true that statement is. Decisions and choices are what pushes our lives forward. Follow your heart. Have faith in yourself.
The start of the New Year brings with it opportunities to refocus on things. To do this, you may have to fully let go of things that are not healthy for you. Even though it is hard to remember things from the past, I must remember what certain things taught me. I need to remember to put myself first occasionally, as this is often the only way I can help others. It is all very good to talk the talk…but we must walk the talk as well. That is immensely important to me.
Stand by what you believe in. Listen to others, but do not allow them to dictate your own thought processes. Put yourself out there. Be…you.
“Just be yourself. Let people see the real, imperfect, flawed, quirky, weird, beautiful, magical person that you are.” – Mandy Hale
This weekend is giving me the much needed space to think; refocusing and redefining what is important to me.